I stay awake wondering about anything and everything. Like how the moon follow my mom's car home every time she would drive somewhere it honestly made me smile or how the sun would make every single plant in the garden smile I kind of think about those kind of things because it makes me happy. I guess I miss having an imagination. I miss having everything around me feel like it's a fairytale I miss when I used to believe in talking animals and talking plates! I miss believing in the prince or princess existing without having to get married
I miss thinking that princesses and princes had a happily ever after, and not have to think about life ever again I miss everything about my childhood, that I could've explained in stories I miss being a kid in general I just wonder what changed just one day I stopped believing in fairytales one day I just stopped believing in everything around me. I just stopped Everything I just wonder if I would've kept believing; everything would've been different that's the type of thoughts that linger
The worst thoughts are the ones that I have at night though the ones where I constantly think people are gonna leave me if I do this or if I don't do this nobody's gonna want me near them. I hate having the feeling that I have to fit in or no one's going to like me , I hate the gut retching feeling of butterflies feeling like daggers when they punch to my stomach when I see everyone around me having fun but me I miss the feeling of being happy. Sometimes I miss the feeling of being social I don't really like people now at least because I have bad claustrophobia and I don't do well in crowds, but yet every time I try to hang out with people, there are big amount of crowds that try to be nice and pity the poor girl who barely comes outside.
Sometimes I wonder if I didn't sleep I wouldn't have the nightmares that I have. I keep waking up nightly or daily from my naps, breathing heavily and my heart fastened. I hate that feeling I hate the feeling of feeling like I'm suffocating myself or drowning I don't know how to explain it without being close to death , I just don't want to feel like I'm panicking when I sleep because that's all I ever felt. I don't know I'm just confused about my dreams. I honestly make up scenarios in my head before I go to sleep so I can help myself for fill daily sleeping patterns whether it's just trying to get my sleep schedule together. I hate the fact that I can't get my sleep schedule together because I try so hard that I can't seem to make it work, if I fell asleep too early, I will wake up at two in the morning if I fall asleep too late, I will still wake up at two in the morning. I can't seem to find a balance where I actually sleep all the way through the night without struggle it bothers me that I can't sleep correctly.
But even if I do sleep all the way through the night, I usually end up waking up in the morning drenched in sweat, because I was running away from something in the nightmare. I constantly have a bad fear of some thing coming into my house and hurting my family and making me be alone The dying part doesn't scare me I can die for all I care in my dreams, but I hate having to see some thing happen to my mom or my siblings because those are my world, they are my world. They constantly have been by my side since day one I mean my mom had no choice but my siblings love me like a mother and that's kind of how I see myself to them.
I kind of wish I had the same hope as my siblings because if I did, I would be way better than I am now I would be happier. I would be smiling so much more I would be outside playing in the backyard. I would be outside picking flowers and making flower crowns, and being happy and not pretending like I go in my room every night crying hoping that everything for me is going to look up. I'm tired of looking for that glimpse of hope. In my eyes it's fading. It's dimming like a candle. It's going out and soon enough Someone's going to blow on it and it's not going to come back. Everyone is like a living flame people can either add wood to flame or blow you out with water either way my flame is never settled. I wish it was settled. my flame needs to settle my flame needs to get happy and big and bright. So then I can shine like the rest of my family yet it seems like people keep taking more wood away from me and I keep getting smaller soon enough I'm going to vanish and that's not going to be a happy story now is it I just wonder if I could've done something different to make people like me I have that obsession a lot I guess..
I have the weird obsession with people liking me. I need people to like me so I don't feel like such a bad person if I feel like a bad person that I'll think I'm a bad person, and on top of that, I will ramble and rant about how my life sucks and how everything about it is not perfect. I told my only best friend a.k.a. my girlfriend that I wish I could fit in everywhere. I wish I was every shape that there could be and I explained to her my problems, I told her my woes, I cried silently, she knew I was crying because my voice was cracking. She knew my tears were running down my cheeks, and my nose is red, and my cheeks are flushed . She knew my eyes were shining and glistening, because of the fact that every time I do cry, my eyes seem to show the brightest colors.
She hates seeing me in pain. She wish she could see me differently than what I am now she wishes that I could I don't know be me I guess without having to worry that I would need to be perfect for anybody else cause I explain to her my problems like a two year old I told everyone to me as a shape you are quadrilateral because you seem to fit in everywhere and you don't seem to find that you were out of place or out of pocket wherever you go you find a friend or two or three or four she seems to fit in everywhere to me. She is perfect to me. She's everything I want to be , but I'll never be her because I am myself. I am me and she is she and that will never change. I told my girlfriend that my parents are different shapes as well. My mom is a circle because she has no sharp edges. She's perfect in every way, shape or form my stepdad is a star because he's pointy and outgoing and angry, my sister is a triangle because she has her ups and downs but still she is perfect in my eyes. My baby brother is also a triangle cause he can be outgoing as his father but because as kind as his older sister. My brother is a Square he values personal space, but he also values his ups and downs, like trophies, whether it would be bad down days or a good down days whether he would just have no motivation or little to zero motivation. I wish I could be like my family they seem to fit in anywhere and everywhere we all have a group of people that we find love in but I don't think I have a shape. I am just a blob of paint while, my girlfriend is a quadrilateral we go together somewhat because quadrilaterals can change into any shape. They can be every shape in the universe. If they wanted to be my girlfriend seems to copy what shape I am, so we go together like a puzzle. We still have our ups and downs to the fact that she could be a square or a triangle or a circle or any shape she wants to be but we still try and that's all that matters to me..
Because she loves me, and she always tries her hardest to be the unique her to be the authentic her all that matters to me because I always say to her as long as you try, that's all that matters to me because you try your hardest every day that makes me happy it really does. It makes me smile when she drinks water eats because I know she struggles with a lot and I am not gonna get into that because it's personal and I'm not that type of person but we all struggle with some thing and I help her with her struggles and she helps me with mine. We give each other 50-50
I love my darling shapes
𝓑𝓾𝓲𝓵𝓭𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓫𝓵𝓸𝓬𝓴𝓼
