I blame myself for your problems. One of them being the fact that you weren't there for me or my older brother I wonder if you are ever gonna be there for us. It's been years and I'm 14 now.
##### is turning 21 and you still look at me as if I'm a little girl it's like I've never grown up to you. You ask me the same questions every year " how's school going?" , " how is your mom?" Where's your brother?" , "Are you doing anything this summer?", "do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend yet?" do you know when you ask the same questions they get boring it's like watching the same show over and over again expecting a different outcome yet it never changes. I wonder if me and you will be closer than we are now I hate how separated we are.
I hate how we barely communicate I wish I was a little girl again, I wish it was like the old times where me and you talk every day and you pick me up every weekend but I'm growing up I guess that's just the karma of it all it's sad because I still love you so much I still do don't you worry it's just I feel like my love is changed it used to be so colorful and full of light but now it's dimmed and slightly fainted.
It's like a old painting in a museum I know weird comparison, but it's the only thing I can think of me and you were so different I think that's why me and you don't talk or it's because of the fact that I don't live with you and you barely text me yet you complain that I never talk to you.
I wish you would stop complaining about things you could change if you just talk to me first, there's nothing I can do or say to change that outcome all I ask is that you still love me and to text me first and stop complaining that I don't talk to you.
It hurts my feelings when you do that I wonder if you'll ever change but hey, I really can't ask much from my father, can I? It's sad to me we used to be so close when I was younger now we barely talk but we grow and we change so I don't really blame you for us not talking, but I do blame you for the fact that I grew up with an absent father you tried to be there, you really did and you still do I applaud you for that thanks for being the best dad you could be.
I love you just the way you are, but I'm afraid you're never going to change and afraid that Momma is right about you not wanting to grow and expand. Do you know I still look back on the memories of us being happy and spending time together it hurts to remember those memories cause I know they're never going to be able to be created again, unless both of us finally get along sometimes I feel like I'm not even your kid, because of the fact that we're so different sometimes I act like mom other times I barely act like you I don't know who I take after mom says I take after you, but you say I take after my mother I don't know who I take after?
I'm afraid I'm just, a result of a bad mixup maybe I take after both of you and you both just see the opposite person anytime I'm standing in front of you that's fine with me. I love you both equally just I'm afraid mom was there more than you could be I feel like you tell me lies about my childhood about how you were there like that like you told me I used to stand up in my crib and wait for you.
Mom says she never calls that happening. Ryan says the same thing as well do you know, I'm afraid that he was a better dad than you could ever be but I don't mean to hurt you. I mean that to say that you could've been there more than you were. I love you no matter what you're still my dad but you're never going to see this note unless I grow up and finally want to tell you how I feel but until then I'm gonna keep my feelings and opinions to myself I don't want to hurt you that's probably where I get it from you, you're scared of hurting people and their feelings mom isn't she's very blunt and straightforward.
She's honest, you are afraid of people you're a social butterfly but your people pleaser that's where I get it from. I'm afraid of what people think of me and about their opinions on my physical appearance and another thing we have in common I put everyone's needs before my own you do the same afraid one day that's gonna get me killed it hurts to be like you because you're the person I look up to the most but I hate being like you I hate being a people pleaser. I hate the fact that I'm so socially awkward and I get it from you my whole personality is like you I hold everything in until I burst it's unhealthy and I don't think I can change that about myself though so I have to live with it and that's OK to me at least but I don't think I'll ever settle for this.
I wish I was more like mom but I don't think I can change who I am, mom says I'm perfect the way I am real but it's hard to believe that when you've had kids around you, your whole entire life telling you that you need to grow up or that you need to change because you're weird when you listen to that for so long you just let it get into your head which really sucks to be honest I'm done with being sorry for you so please when you change text me okay dad?
𝓾𝓷𝓪𝓽𝓽𝓪𝓬𝓱𝓮𝓭
