Burning Flames (Chicago Fire Fan-fiction) - Under Editing

Chapter 45: What's the Difference?!

Matthew Casey's POV
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After shift
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I walk over to Gabby, who is standing at her locker changing, and wait for her to finish. As she pulls her shirt on she hugs me.
"So, how about we go out tonight. Somewhere besides Molly's?" I ask her.
She smiles and says, "That sounds nice. We haven't really been out on an actual date in awhile. We also need to figure out our wedding, and work it around Jordan's funeral."
"I know, and we will. Though, you need a break from everything. You know you don't have to launch right back in to work." I tell her knowing that throughout the whole shift she had been stressed, and had been nervous and jumpy, like she was expecting Jones or someone to come up behind her.
"Ok, well let's get going. I am ready to go home and relax for a little while." She tells me.
I smile and kiss her on the forehead. I wrap my arm around her waist, and we walk out towards the parking lot.
"Hey, Lieutenant Casey... um, Bowdan needs to see you." A guy from second watch says to me as we walk towards my truck.
"Ok." I say, and Gabby says, "I'm going to go talk to Shay and Severide. I'll meet you at the truck."
I nod, and head back inside.
"So, your girlfriend come to see you before you left work?" The guy asks me.
I shake my head and say, "No, my fiancé and I were getting off work. We live together, so we usually only bring my truck to work."
He nods as we arrive at Bowdan's office. I shut the door behind me, and turn to face Chief Bowdan.
"Casey, I wanted to talk to you about Dawson. I want you to make sure that she handles everything going on emotionally and physically as best possible. She was injured before the bomb call, and then she made the call that ultimately cost Jordan Jones her life. Do not tell her anything about what you just learned of this call. She will most likely tell you about it, but don't push her for information. I'm not doing this to butt in to your personal relationships, I assure you. I am just making sure that my firefighters are taking care of each other, and themselves." Bowdan tells me.
I nod and say, "Yeah, we were going to head home, and go out somewhere. I'm trying to get her relaxed, she been pretty anxious and jumpy since we came back from Chaplain Rolinski's office."
Bowdan nods, and I walk out.
I walk out to where Gabby is standing at my truck talking to Shay, and put my back in the truck. Then say, "Don't mean to interrupt, but I figured I'd better find out what my fiancé and her best friend are talking about."
"We were talking about going on a girls only vacation. Which is why, we will talk more about it later." Shay says as Severide comes over.
Gabby nods, and we get in the truck.
"So, what did Bowdan want to talk about?" Gabby asks as she buckles her seatbelt.
I shrug my shoulders and say in reply, "He wanted to check in on you. Make sure you weren't beating yourself up, and I told him that you were doing good. That you were alright. A little jumpy, but fine."
She nods, and asks, "Do you think that maybe we could just stay home for the night? It's not like it would kill us, but I don't need to drink... at least I don't think I need to."
I laugh and nod. Then say, "Yeah, as long as your happy, and don't mope around all depressed."
She gasps with a smile, and hits me on the shoulder.
"I have not been moping!" She says trying to stifle a laugh.
I laugh as we pull into the drive way. We get out, and walk up the front porch. Then I remember the whole in the wall that I had punched three nights earlier.
"Gabby, don't get mad, but there is kind of a little, small, tiny whole in the wall." I say to her as I unlock the door.
Her smile slowly fades as she asks, "How big?"
I hold up my fist, and point to the wall beside the door. Then say, "About fist sized. I... um... kind of punched a whole in the wall after the wedding. I was going to leave, but Severide called me just as I was hitting the highway. I already have all the supplies ready, but I haven't had time to fix it..."
"Matt... why can't you ever just punch a punching bag or something? How come it's always one of our walls?" Gabby asks as she runs her hand over the wall, only half there when she says it.
I turn her to face me, and take her face in my hands. Her eyes are glassy, and she's not focused on me. She's looking past me at something. Then I say, "Gabby, I know this isn't about the wall. You made the call, and it was your best option when you made the call. It's not your fault. I'm not going to baby you about this, and I'm not going to sugar coat it... I have lost firefighters before because of the calls I've made. Is it hard? Yes. But I don't act like a kicked puppy dog. I know this isn't the first time that you have lost a partner when you were the one in charge. What makes this different?"
Her eyes focus on me, and she says, "The difference this time is that I could have prevented it. Last time we had no idea that the shooter was still in the house. We both walked in, and were both in the same amount of danger. Church and I both took a bullet. The difference is I was shot in the leg, and he was shot in the head. I couldn't have prevented that, but I could have prevented Jordan's death. Matt, I could've... I could've..."
I pull her into my arms, and she leans into me, desperate for relief.
"Baby Girl, I know it could've been prevented, but I know that she had a part in the decision. She wanted to help, so she did. Do not do this to yourself. I know what it feels like to lose a firefighter. I have nearly lost you a dozen times because of calls that I have made, and you have made. Do not do this to yourself, because it is not worth it." I say into her hair.
She starts to sob as I pick her up, and carry her upstairs to our bedroom. I pull her shirt, jeans, boots and jacket off of her, and then I quickly undress. I lay down next to her, and she wraps her arms around my neck. She falls asleep a few minutes later, and I quickly glance at the clock. It read, "7:38 pm"
Damn it felt like it had just been a little after noon when we got home and Gabby had fell asleep, but obviously she had been crying in my arms for hours and I hadn't realized it. Then, I fell asleep...