Just College

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Daya stared at her mom as she silently went about her chores. It's been so long since she stayed for her father's memorial service. Two years ago was the last time. Sungkyunkwan hardly let their spring break enter April not to mention 15th. So it was saddening for her to see her mother this way.

"Is uncle coming?", Daya asked.

Damin dropped the bowls of rice on the tray she held. "I doubt so?", she smiled, "Set them carefully on the table", and she was back to being silent again. That smile wasn't even real.

Daya walked to the table, kneeling down and gently setting down the two huge bowls on the table. She left as quickly as she came, not wanting to see her father yet.

Damin turned to her. "Why do you have your hair up?"

"Because I want to. Grandma has hers up", she dropped the tray.

Damin dusted off her hanbok. "Sit with Dayeon. I am really okay"

"I don't want to sit there"

She was really giving attitude but Damin just let her be. Passive aggression was a way kids expressed themselves these days. She tucked her short locks behind her ears, picking up the incense sticks and candles. Daya took the matchbox and they entered the living space again. Dayeon watched them light up the candles around the table from where she sat on the couch with Seolran holding her hand beside her.

They were all on white socks, they couldn't step into the place with slippers on and could make mistakes and forget to pull them off if they went about with them, so they ditched wearing slippers entirely today.

Seolran got up with her grand maknae, walking over to the place. Dayeon stood behind her as she picked up an incense stick from the table and lit it up with the aid of a candle. Seolran pressed the stick into the pot of sand, keeping it upright as the smoke filled the place, the scent wafting through their noses. She looked up at the frame. "Dowook-ah, are you well?", she started in a deep accent the man used to love when he was alive. Those words and Damin was trying hard not to break down. "You are doing well, right?. It's another year marked, since you left. Please look after us", she rubbed her hands together, and proceeded to bow next.

She dropped her body in a real bow till her head touched the floor, three times. Praying silently that the man, was resting well. Even though its been five years.

Damin went next, picking a stick and making it stand beside her mother's in the pot. She sniffed quietly as she did this, smiling softly. She had so many memories of this man, but each day, they seemed to fade away and she was scared. Scared that she wouldn't have all those memories of him anymore.

Looking at his picture with tears in her eyes, she resulted to say whatever she wanted him to hear. "Training the kids is hard", she finally confessed. "But I will do it well. I am Jeong Damin. I never ever stumble or crumble. Even if I do, I will get up again. I..", her tears ran down her face, "I just want to live long with them. For them. I.. I will stay with them for a long time. I will see them grow and see their grandkids grow because my mother did. You just stay safe on the other side. I will be here struggling for them. Because that's what a mother does"

I miss you.

She bowed. Her sobs got louder which each bow and the women behind her just watched, hearts breaking and breaking with each sob.

It was her turn.

She didn't want to move. She felt like the greatest sinner and didn't want to taint her father's eyes with her sinned form but she had to move, to give her maknae her own time with their dad. Her fingers shook as she took an incense stick from the table. She was the only one who knew what was wrong with her. Why she was feeling this way. All that she did in Seoul, in school, in her room, every hidden corner there, only she knew. Her father had to know. He was dead and could see her thoughts, her mind. The women behind her didn't know but her father definitely knew. He always read her quite easily. She was his innocent baby girl, even after he died when she still had 2 years to go, in high-school but that ended after she left her little town, went to Seoul and entered Sungkyunkwan to study.