Hashtag Boys Series 2: #StupidLove (Silas)

Day 630.5

(Phone conversation) 

6:45 PM 

Silas:
Hello?

(Silence)

Alice:
Hi. (Pause) Sinagot mo pa rin ang tawag ko. 

Silas:
Nasa'n ka na? 

Alice:
I don't know... and I don't think you should know. Kasama mo na si Chacha? 

Silas:
Hindi pa. Pauwi pa lang ako sa Roseville. Sinabihan mo ba siya kung nasa'n ka na? Baka nag-aalala 'yon.

Alice:
I called her first, don't worry. 

(Silence)

Silas:
Bakit ka tumawag, Alice? 

Alice:
(Sighs) I'm... I'm just remembering a lot of things. I don't know if it would make sense to tell you... but I wanted to tell you. 

Silas:
Ano 'yon?

Alice:
Remember the first time we met? Nakita mo 'ko sa department store malapit sa school... trying to buy rat poison? 'Tapos sabi mo, parang maraming daga sa amin. Sabi mo, ikaw na lang kunin ko para mag-exterminate ng rats. 

Silas:
Oo, naaalala ko. 

Alice:
Well... I was the rat I wanted to kill. 

Silas:
Nasabi nga ni Chacha noon. 

Alice:
Oh. 

(Silence)

Alice:
(Long sigh) I really did love you a lot before. (Pause) I was crazy about you. You made me so happy... (Swallows) I wondered what happened to me too. Lately lang nag-dawn sa 'kin lahat. You made me so happy... a perfect contrast to the miserable life I was living. You loved me so well... a perfect contrast to the manipulative love my parents were saying they had for me. (Sighs) I was ready to fight for you... and I thought I was getting used to it. I thought the happiness I was feeling whenever I was with you would be enough. And for a time, that was enough... Pero sa bawat saya ko sa tuwing magkasama tayo, lagi pa rin akong babalik sa nakakasakal na bahay namin. Sa tuwing maghihiwalay tayo at uuwi ako, I'd get so anxious I'd have panic attacks. I wanted to be with you exclusively.... so I asked you to take me away. I asked you na itanan ako... (Chokes) but...

Silas:
Pero hindi ko ginawa.

Alice:
Yes. Hindi mo ginawa. (Swallows) I think... that's when my feelings started to get twisted. I relied on you to take me far away... 'Di bale nang wala tayong makakain... or maghihirap ako... or kahit I'd die poor. You could make me happy and you loved me so much... I know I could endure anything. I relied on you to save me... from my own house. To save me from my parents. But you didn't do it. You wanted me to endure, but I felt like I was enduring all my life. (Long sigh) I loved you so much that I hated you so much and I wanted to punish you for not saving me. So I used you. I took it out on you. I hurt you... until I became this horrid girl trapped in a cycle of missing you and punishing you. 

(Silence) 

Alice:
Believe it or not... no'ng mga panahong nagkikita pa tayo, it's only you. Luke's already my boyfriend, but I wasn't even comfortable kissing him. He said he understood me. Makikipagkita ako sa 'yo na iniisip na sasaktan kita... kahit hindi naman 'yon ang totoo. I hated you and I loved you. 

(Silence)

Alice:
Hello? 

Silas:
Nandito pa 'ko...

Alice:
Alam ko, wala nang sense 'tong mga sinasabi ko sa 'yo, and I'm not saying these to worry you or to try to mess with what you have with Chacha... I guess I just want to say... I didn't mean it when I said you were not worth it. (Swallows) You were my first. You were my love. You were my courage... Thank you for the best years of my life, Sil, and thank you for the love you still gave me even when I didn't deserve it. Thank you... (Silent sobs)

Silas:
Okay na 'yon, Alice. (Swallows) Sorry din kung... hindi ko nagawang itakas at ilayo ka noon. Sana sa desisyon mo ngayon, maging mas malaya ka at mas masaya ka anuman ang magiging buhay mo. Mula ngayon, isipin mo lang ang sarili mo at ang magiging anak mo. Alagaan mo ang sarili mo, Alice. 

Alice:
Yes. Kakayanin ko... para sa baby ko. (Silent sobs) Thank you, Sil. I'm so happy I got the chance to tell you everything. I should... go. Take care of Chacha. 

Silas:
Oo. Mag-iingat ka. 

Alice:
I will. Take care of yourself, too. 

Call ended.