Switching sides

19

Camila

" camz, can we talk"

The words nobody likes hearing.

I was sitting on the balcony swing letting the wind flow through the strands of hair that kept falling out of my ponytail and I finally stopped trying to get them back in. It's only been a few days, it's been slightly awkward since I've been talked to many times by the police about Shawn. I felt awkward having to tell them details of my life that nobody else knew.

I felt wrong.

I glance up to see Taylor standing at the edge of the porch swing, her hand inching toward the edge to pull herself up.

I nodded my head and she joined me. We sat there for a while quietly taking in the birds and nature. The swing slightly moved with the wind, seeping me into a sense of comfort. If I tried hard enough I could fall asleep.

"You seem distant" she speaks out

Her voice disrupted the calm that once settled in my head. The chaos erupted. I feel so lost, so alone. Pressure on my hand caught my attention and I glanced down to see Taylor's hand over mine.

My eyes stung and I wanted to run and hide, I hated crying in front of people.

"I'm sorry" I whisper out

Maybe I can tell her those words and she's okay, she would leave me and let me be al-

"That's not what I'm asking for," Taylor said.

I knew that, she knew that. So why was I acting like things have changed?

Things have changed.

"I don't know what to do" I choke out holding a sob down, I try to keep my composure together.

Taking a deep breath in I try to keep the tears at bay.

The swing shifted when Taylor scooted closer to me to the point where our legs were touching. She didn't say anything and her arm wrapped around me and she pulled me back. She was relaxed back on the swing and I was pulled into her chest, her arms stayed around me as she hummed a melody.

So much has happened the past few days and even the time spent with Shawn, I don't know who I am anymore, what I want to do with my life, where to live when Taylor gets sick of me, I need a job and a car, an income.

My thoughts make my stomach clench and I shove them back out. Too much to think about right now. I can't.

My body relaxed into hers more and I felt comfortable, the most I've been in a long time. Her arm draped around my body and her other arm hung over the back of the chair. I noticed her legs were slightly parted and I held back a snort.

Such a boyfriend Taylor move.

At least she got the girl.

I think

The sun was setting behind the mountains when Taylor shifted and I realized I was in a daze, almost asleep. My body was exhausted.

"Have you thought about seeing a therapist " she whispered breaking the silence.

Anger shot through my body. Here I was trying to open up to Taylor and she was suggesting I go talk to someone else, a stranger.

I shifted away from her with a huff.

"No, I don't understand why you would even suggest that" I shot out

Her arm fell off my back and the rejection set in. She doesn't want to hear my crap, message received. Maybe this was all some pity charity case for her to blow up again on social media.

I shot off the swing and made a beeline toward the door.

"Camila wait- that's not what I meant" Taylor called out from behind me

The tears were back and worse than before.

Why do I keep crying so fucking much?
Why am I so weak?

I pushed the door open and swung it shut continuing to go up the stairs. I didn't hear the door shut so I glanced over my shoulder to see Taylor shutting it- following me.

"Leave me alone right now- please" I called to her while turning back to the stairs.

I knew Taylor could take three steps at a time so I pushed further. I don't want to be near her at the moment. I needed to think.

"Cam, let me explain what I meant" she yelled

" message received " I yelled back

I made it to the guest room and slammed the door locking it, then went into the bathroom and shut that door and locked it too. With my back pressed to the door I let the sobs out, sliding down I curled my knees up and cried.

I wanted to go home, I wanted to have a home.