Switching sides

22

Camila

My job search was not going too well. Most places wanted someone with experience or an education, which I had none.

I close my eyes and try to not let my emotions win, not this silly small battle. Why did I let myself be told I couldn't have a job, an income, or an education? Now I'm going to be screwed.

I feel the rush and hear of the tears and I quickly wipe them away. Being away from Shawn is making me realize how dependent on him that I was. How disgustingly dependent he forced me to be, and I thought that was normal.

GOOGLE SEARCH: therapy near me

I looked at a few sites until one of them talked about shame therapy and I closed out of that window. No way could I handle that. It's a stranger, I reminded myself.

I felt so tired today and it wasn't even that late. Taylor should be back later but I can't keep my eyes open.

"Camz"

"Cam"

"Camila"

I'm pulled from my sleep by my name being called. Groggy I looked around to see Taylor standing there.

"Huh" I groan

"I made dinner if you hungry," she said with soft eyes

Nodding I climbed out of the hammock and followed her into the kitchen. She pointed up the the chair and placed a bowl in front of it.

"Thank you," I said as I slid into the high-top chair.

"Was the only thing you ate today a lunchable?" Taylor asked as she made her bowl of food.

Thinking back to today I realize that IS the only thing I ate, I didn't want to admit that to her though. So I shifted my eyes to the food. It looked like a combination of meat and rice.

"Camila, you need to eat more than that" she huffed

Irritation set in and I took a deep breath. She cares I remind myself.

"I know- it's just that I'm used to eating something small and being fine all day," I say taking a bit of the meat and rice.

She shakes her head

"He fucked you up, didn't he" she snarls

My blood turns to ice. I can't tell if I'm furious or anxious but I lose my appetite. My stomach turns into knots and there's a lump in my throat. I set the fork down.

"Shit, shit, I'm sorry Camila. I didn't mean it like that. It's just I'm so fucking angry how he treated you" she says making her way around the counter.

Her arms wrap around me and when I feel that comfort, hee warmth that I haven't felt in so long, I cry.

My tears come out in choked sobs and Taylor doesn't say a word, she rubs my back and stays with me.

Shawn would have cussed me out and left.

Shawn would have made me feel worse.

Shawn would have hit me.

"I'm sorry" I choke out in between sobs

"No no no, you DONT apologize for feeling your emotions " she says keeping hold of me

My head is resting on her shoulder.

"There's so much going on, I feel lost as if I don't know what to do " I cry

"I know sweetie, I know" she whispers

"Maybe I should talk to someone," I say softly

Maybe Taylor's right

"Do you want help setting that up?" she asks

Nodding my head I wrap my arms around her waste.

"Thank you"

I've been anxious leading up to this appointment. Taylor helped me schedule it with someone she trusts. Better than those Google reviews. But I still couldn't lessen my anxiety.

My legs jittered the whole way there. Taylor reached over the center console and placed her hand on my leg, sitting on the inner thigh. Which in turn just caused more anxiety and goosebumps for a whole different reason.

"You be fine cam, just be yourself and if you don't like how it turns out then you don't have to go back," she said as we pulled into the parking lot.

I nodded but I didn't feel those agreeing emotions.

"What if I don't know what to say, or this won't work, or-

"Then we will figure something else out, there's always a solution" she hummed

Her response helped me slightly. This just bothered me because I've never been and only have ever heard horror stories about therapy and all that.

Taylor pulled into the parking spot and cut the engine.

"Do you want me to walk you in?" she asked

"No, I appreciate it but I gotta try to do this on my own," I said shaking my head.

"Okay I'll be right here when you're done," she said sliding her hand off my leg.

I missed the contact.

Why am I feeling this way?

"Open the door" Taylor snorts, I glance at her to see her smiling, and I have to stifle a laugh. I reach over and smack her arm. Opening the door I step out.

"You got this" Tay yells

"Sush," I say glancing around the shut the door.

I got this... I think.