I am?

I

I for Incoherent

Some days I wake up feeling nothing. A screen of just static. Most days I wake up feeling not human, like something isn't right.

And half the time it would be both.

I'd try my best to be human. I'll eat, shower, and sleep like everyone else. I'll smile and laugh when I need to. I'll interact with people if I need to. But I am a bad actor. So bad. So very, very bad. If I was a better one perhaps I would feel more normal or at least not get this bad.

Everything I say, do, and feel seemed all so artifical. So very fake and wrong. My writings seem so devoid of emotions that I wonder if I'm some emotionless bastard.

Sometimes I entertain the idea of someone killing me. Painless and quick. Maybe a gunshot to my head. Ah, but I really want to come out as a hero. Maybe I died saving someone, wouldn't that be so nice? That way I finally achieved something.

Somedays I feel like I might snap. Like I'd deicide to drive off the bridge in that split second. I think the feeling of falling would be nice but the crashing no. I want to endlessly fall and at least in that way I'd feel something other than static nothing or the feeling of wrongness.

But really, I don't understand. I really wished I wasn't here. I wished that I was dead. I wish I was anyone but myself. I want to live as a normal person in my next life. I want to be seen as normal. I want to be normal.