I am?

K

K for Knife

Intense emotions comes in a huge burst for me. just thoughts, memories, and speculations are enough for me to instantly start crying.

Depending on the extent, my chest will hurt as if someone was squeezing my heart—threatening to crush it. Or I can't seem to find my breath, struggling to gain back the steady rhythm.

Everything comes down at once, the most recent worries, troubles, grief—anything remotely negative—taking the helm.

And then nothing.

The feeling and the tears would vanish. In just a short amount of time, a calm stillness took over as if nothing ever happened.

It lingers with me through and I carry it through my life. Most of the time I just go on. Somedays it is too heavy and I just want to do nothing, just lay there by myself and disappear. Rarely does go away which typically only last a day or two.

This can be countered by simply not thinking about it. It sounds so easy yet difficult to accomplish. I find myself slipping back into the negative thoughts and feelings as soon as I stop doing anything. As there is nothing to do but drift to sleep at night, I'm most vulnerable at night.

Perhaps one day I can wake up and become a whole new person. A new conscious, a new body, new eyes, new face, and identity.

Of course if it's me , I'm bound to mess something up. The better solution is to have someone else be me.

I'll feel bad for that somebody though. Having to have to become someone like me—I can imagine how disappointing and embarrassing it is. I can only hope that they don't have the same thinking pattern as me but rather a cheerful and fun person.

But this is reality. Nothing will happen. Nothing will make things better.

The best option is to just keep walking. Ignore the surroundings and just keep walking. Forget about the people, what can they do? Dragging people behind them isn't ideal.

As long as I can walk on my own, it's all good.