Tennessee Whiskey AU

CHAPTER THIRTY

"Well, you're the reason why I'm dancing in the mirror and singing in the shower."

I slowly open my eyes as memories of last night flash through my mind, I can't help but smile. Waking up in his arms is everything I thought it would be. It feels safe and like home. Which scares the living shit out of me because this isn't home. This is just a one-day thing. A bit of fun and let loose. Scar focus and keep on track. We had sex three times last night before we both passed out. I've been woken up twice in the night with hands setting my body on fire and I was never going to say no was I. if a man this good wants your body, he can fucking have it and do whatever he wants in whatever position chooses, because whatever he did brought me incredible pleasure. I've lost count of how many times he's made me come by this point. What a bike to get back on or is it a horse? For the life of me, I can't remember the saying. All coherent thought has left me.

Despite being a little sore this morning, I've used muscles I'd forgotten I had. I would still be more than ok if he wanted morning sex. I turn over and roll him with me so he's now lying on his back. I lean up on my elbow and just watch him for a minute and soak him in. Yes, I've officially turned into a creepy stalker. Especially when all I can think about is rubbing every inch of me over every inch of him. It was a horse, get back on the horse. It was as easy as riding a bike. Knew it would come to me, just took me a minute. I think I've lost my mind. While I've been lost in his body, I've failed to notice he's awake now so when he speaks it makes me jump a little.

"Morning beautiful." He smiles at me, but then he starts to frown. "Oh, fuck!"

"Ok, so not what a girl wants to hear after she's spent the night with a guy doing what we were doing. Not a real confidence booster there Ackles."

"Shit, no. I'm sorry. It was more what we did that had me panicking."

"Oh, well when you say it like that it makes it all so much better." I start to get up thinking I might be crying in the shower again for the third time this week. It's been a long week. He puts his arms out to stop me as he starts to speak.

"No. I need to explain that properly. Sorry I'm not making much sense. It didn't come out right. I like what we did. Fuck I love what we did. It was incredible Scar. You were incredible." He kisses my forehead and all I can do is smile as I say.

"You weren't too bad yourself." He has that cheeky smile on his face again now. I run my hands through his hair as I ask the question I'm sort of dreading the answer to. "So wanna tell me what's got that pretty little head of yours in such a spin?"

"We, ah. During the night."

"Yes, we had sex." He takes my hand in his.

"Yeah, and in our sleep-hazed sex-driven state we sort of forgot one important thing." All I can do is stare blankly at him. I came, and I'm fairly sure he came. I don't see what else matters.

"Condom," he says very matter-of-factly.

"Oh okay. That's not as much of a problem as you think. I haven't been with anyone in a while. I was tested after everything happened previously. So, I'm really hoping you are ok too." I smile cheerily and he kisses me on top of the head again. Which I'm thinking is slowly becoming my new obsession.

"I am, I never had sex without protection before plus I get tested regularly. But that isn't the only reason. Condoms also help stop other things Scar." I have to stop my brain from running away and screaming in pain.

"OK, so we have to talk about something. Like the other night, there will be rules. I need to just talk and get through it. No talking until after I've finished. Also, to get through this I'm going to need a few things first. I'm going to need a shower and a coffee. So, if it's ok, you go make me a coffee and meet me in the shower. Then I promise we can talk, OK?"

"Darlin' if I meet you in the shower your coffee will be cold."

"You know what, I think I'm ok with that." I wink as I get out of bed and make my way to the bathroom. I hear him growl behind me and I chuckle thinking I've awoken the beast.

As I stand in the shower, I feel the tears come. Thinking about the conversation I have to have. I know I don't need to tell him everything, but I want to. I want to be honest with him. I want to let this pain out. I hear the shower door open and feel his arms wrap around me.

"Everything ok?" he asks gently. I sort of forgot I was crying. HE never liked it when I cried. So, I learnt really quickly how to cry silent tears in the shower and let them wash down the drain taking the pain away with them. I became my coping mechanism.

I smile as I turn in his arms. "Oh, I'm more than ok. Now what was that plan for making my coffee cold?" He kisses me and I melt. He takes the pain away too and it's a lot more fun than crying in the shower.

He grabs me under my but cheeks and lifts me up, pressing me against the tiles in one smooth motion. The man has skills. The feel of the cold tile against my back and his warm body pressed at my front feels incredible. What also feels incredible is how easily his long hard cock slides deep inside me. I break the kiss to ask. "Not so worried about condoms anymore?"

"Like I said it's not something I've ever done before, but I kinda like feeling you with nothing between us. Plus, I that horse has well and truly bolted by now." The first thing my head goes to is that bloody horse is back again. He smiles cheekily at me before continuing. Now, shush woman I don't know if you've noticed but I'm sort of trying to fuck you here so maybe we could focus on that?"

"Yeah, I kinda noticed that, and by all means please carry on."

I didn't expect sex to be fun, well yes but not in a humourous way. I think I've laughed more than I've come and that's saying something.

After we finished in the shower my brain was running wild. As my first experience of shower sex, I must say it was a thoroughly enjoyable experience, that I wouldn't mind repeating anytime, or maybe it's just any type of sex with Jay I'm addicted to.

Focusing back on the job in hand I dry myself and Jay throws his t-shirt to me. He whispers perfectly in my ear as he takes my hand, and we walk over to the bed. We sit down side by side at the top of the bed.

"Yeah, cold coffee," he says smiling.

"I have absolutely no complaints."

"Me neither darlin' trust me,"

"Ok, so hard conversation before I get side tracked by your body again." He nods reassuringly at me, and I take a deep breath and reach for his hand again.

"So, this is one of the things that no one else knows. It's a weight I've carried with me for three long years. I don't want to unload this on you, but you said I can talk to you, and I want to talk but if any of that isn't ok, please stop me now. I won't mind. Honestly, I understand." He stops my rambling by pressing his lips to mine.

"Tell me whatever you need to sweetheart. I'm here and you can trust me. No judgment. I will just hold you when you need me to." God if I'm not careful I could fall in love with this man. Panic starts to set in, not sure if it's that thought or what I'm about to confess. I take a few breaths. In, out count to five. Here goes nothing.

"I can no longer have children".