Tennessee Whiskey AU

CHAPTER FORTY EIGHT

"If the words that I used to try to explain how something inside me started to break. Ah, but one by one the words just got in the way."

Scarlett's POV

The look on his face makes me laugh so much.

"I mean, you could, you all look like big strong men, and she does most of the work anyway. You just need to stand still." Rob adds also trying not to laugh.

"I don't think I'm up for that, it scares the shit out of me just watching you do it." Jay laughs, I place my hands on his chest trying to calm him.

"I'll do it," Steve says getting up.

"Like fuck you will, sit ya ass back down before I hurt you. You will definitely drop her." Jay says.

"I'm sorry maybe you watching wasn't such a good idea. I've done worse. I mean be glad you haven't seen us making up routines. Rob spends half his time dropping me and then the other half I lose concentration and fall."

"Not helping Darlin'," Jay says, shaking his head.

"I know, but just hear me out, ok? I'm telling you all this to also let you know we are always safe. We use crash mats until it's perfect, we know how to handle things when they do go wrong, how to move our bodies to cause the least damage. And if it helps, I've hit Rob in the balls a few times. You saw how quick I came down just. One time of not being tucked in enough," I say trying to make him smile. They all laugh again, and it seems to be calming Jay down a little.

"Honestly, I think you're even more incredible now. I mean watching you this morning work the ranch and then coming here."

"Maybe it's not a good idea to have you shadow me for the whole day. If you guys want to head back, you can do. Chill out for the day."

"I can't speak for Jen, but I would really like to carry on, I'm hoping there may be someway to help, just to say thank you for having us here. I thought what you just did was awesome by the way." Jase says.

"That would be cool with me, but if Jen wants to head back, I'm ok with that to." Steve adds.

"What have you got left to do?" Jay asks.

"Well, we have about half an hour left here to practice then we have to head over to the bar, because we are catering the event tonight ourselves and then probably finish setting up in the barn. That's pretty much it I think."

"I'd like to help out, are you sure you are actually going to put us to work or are we gonna stand there and watch, whatcha say can you actually give up a little control, darlin'?" I gulp at the hidden message that seems to be in that whole question. Do I think I can give up control to him, in every way? I think the jury's still out on that one.

"Well, if it helps it's all hands on deck. All of us are helping. So, she's already completely out of control." Rob answers for me. Which I'm grateful for, not the reminder of what's about to happen, however.

"I was trying to forget about letting you lot loose in my kitchen. Fuck it, what's four more." I say sighing and trying not to let panic set in.

Rob and I spend the next thirty minutes or so having a laugh and teaching the guys random dance moves. Let's just say some have more rhythm than others. I already knew what Jay could do with his hips but he's actually good. I might be able to work with him on a few dances. Nothing like what Rob and I do, but I love to dance, it's my second happy place. Slowly becoming my third as curling up with Jensen seems to be climbing towards the top. So, If I can share that with the person in my life that would be amazing. Not that I'm thinking he could be my person or that he would want to be a permanent fixture in my life. Men like him don't stay with women like me. I'm far too broken for anyone to think I'm worth loving and he is too much of a perfect man for this to be real. How do I trust in this, believe in us? There are some days when I struggle to see a future for myself. There are days when I feel like I can't move, the weight of everything holding me down, I feel like a can't breathe. Like I'm under water and drowning fast. How is anyone supposed to deal with that and who in their right mind would look at that and go yeah ok, I want to be with you despite the fact that you are a lunatic who can fall apart at any given moment. Jay thinks he wants a future but my times running out before he sees my dark side. The scary part I keep hidden there's only Erin and Rob that know that side of me and I know it gets too much for them at times. I get it no one wants to watch their friend self-harm when she gets to the point, she feels so out of control in her life that it's the only way to deal until she gets that control back. How do I even explain that to him? Erin didn't understand at first, she thought I was trying to end it all. Trying to explain to her this is a pain I can control when the world, life and pretty much anything knocks you so much over and over again. When I hurt myself it's a pain I control! I decide what hurts and when. I can't even say I cut myself, I've actually broke my wrist once. I have enough scars without adding to them. I have done it before but then hated myself afterwards. I tend to inflict more severe pain. I've spent a few days in hospital a couple of times. Ranches can be dangerous places full of accidents. I wish I could say it was something that started after my run in with David, unfortunately if I'm being honest, it was something that started when I was around 16. It's been a while since I've done anything like that, but that doesn't mean much. A year was the longest I've ever gone, but that led to a mental three months straight afterwards. I've got good at hiding things in ways people would think is normal, burns for a chef is commonplace so is the odd slip with a knife. I may have even taken the top of my thumb off once. Bruises for a dancer, that explains when I've hit myself into walls repeatedly. While I'm trying not to drown in the emotions flooding my system I'm pulled away from my dark headspace by Jay grabbing my hand I know he felt me flinch, I saw it in the look of disappointment on his face.

"Hey, you OK? It me OK, just me," he takes me in his arms and just holds me, I try to soak up his warmth and tenderness. Draw in the smell of him, at this point it feels like he's the medicine I need to pull myself away from the edge of the Cliff I was about to throw myself off. He must have given the others a sign to carry on because when I do finally pull back there's just me and him.

"I'm guessing wherever you just went it wasn't good. I'm sorry for grabbing you I should know better but you walked past the bar and you didn't respond when we shouted you"

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be like this. I think it's just a long day and a lot of stress. Plus, no sleep. It's a bad mix. I haven't for a while."

"It's OK, bad days are OK Scar. No one is perfect and I think you hold yourself together pretty well all things considered."

"Looks can be deceiving Jay. You've only seen bits. A lot of it isn't good."

"Then show me, I want all parts of you. I want to see it all, learn it all. Help you deal with whatever it is you're going through. Not like I want to make you better I'm not stupid enough to think that's something in my ability. But I want to be by your side, walk hand and in hand with you through it all Scar. Every time you let me in, I feel so much. It breaks my heart that such a strong woman as you has broken parts, humble that you let me in and share these things with me. Then pride that the woman I love is so fucking incredible." The tears I've been trying to hold in are now free falling. "Yes scar, I love you. If you need to believe it's friendship to make it easy for you to cope, I'm OK with that. I will always be here to do anything you need, I'm a patient man darlin'."

"You say all this now, but it won't last the dark times will come and it will scare you and then I lose you." He holds me again his strength holding the crumbling mess that is me together.

"Is that honestly what you think?"

"Yes, no, I don't know. I know how scary all this is."

"I don't scare easily Scar. I will prove it to you. I will keep showing up. When you need. When you least expect it. Until you're ready to see what's in front of you, OK?" I take a deep breath and nod. I just can't seem to form words at the moment.

"Just tell me whatever this was today it isn't one of those things you deal with on your own?"

"No Erin and Rob know about this one, helped me more than once to deal with it. It's OK. I'm OK now. Thank you." He puts his hands on my cheeks as I smile at him. It sort of squishes my cheeks together and I laugh. He smiles then too, and it eases the tension. He kisses me. Different again to any of the others. This one is designed to make me feel what his words said.

"Come on I believe we have work to do." He takes my hand, and we walk into the kitchen, as we enter Rob gives me a look and I give him a small nod just so he knows I'm OK. I put the music on and start giving out jobs to people, while putting them into groups of two. We've got shit to do people!