Tennessee Whiskey AU

CHAPTER THIRTY ONE

"So, I'm gonna give all my secrets away this time. Don't need another perfect lie."

Jensen's POV

The moment the words left her mouth my heart broke. My heart broke for her, but also for me. I feel like such a selfish jerk for thinking it, but I couldn't help it. I did want kids, not loads but maybe one or two. I didn't think I was thinking too much about a future between us but now this changes things and makes me one giant prick.

"So, no concern about what happened between us now right?" She tries to joke it off, but I can see the pain behind her eyes, and it finally hits me. If I'm feeling this lost what the hell is she going through?

"Can I ask questions, or do you just want to talk? I know you said earlier you wanted to talk like the other night, but I think this goes deeper darlin'"

"What do you want to know?"

"You said anymore, so there was a time when you could?"

"Yeah, there was. I didn't know it at the time, but I actually was when I managed to get away. The last few months, possibly close to a year. I wouldn't sleep with him. He felt it was his right as part of the relationship 'rules' he owned me and could take me and do what he wanted anytime." She laughs and I'm feeling slightly confused. It really doesn't fit with what she's saying. It's just I remember thinking the same thing about you earlier."

"Baby, I promise you I would never. That's why I made sure to ask the first time. If you need me to do that every time I will. Whatever you need. I hate the fact that you had to go through that."

"God no. Not in that way. That would really start to kill the moment. I guess I wasn't clear. I was thinking how you could have me anytime, anyplace, anyhow you wanted. I wouldn't say no. I feel safe enough with you that if I wanted to stop you would. You proved that the other night remember." She gives me the sweetest smile and it warms me inside out. I want to puff out my chest with pride. I gave her just what she needed, and I didn't even realise. I was just being me. She wipes some tears from her cheeks before taking my hand again and continuing.

"That's the difference, I guess. It's nice and I will always be grateful to you for reminding me how good this can be. Does that make sense?"

I lean forward and kiss her before I speak. I need a minute to control myself. I'm feeling far too many emotions right now. "I love hearing you say that, but it does make me feel like you're now going to go out and find any man."

"Like you've unclogged my pipes and now I'm good to go." She laughs as she wiggles her eyebrows at me. So, I do the only thing I can think of and kiss her again.

"Yeah, really not happy about that thought." She leans into my chest, and I can't resist the urge to wrap my arms around her.

"I fought at first, tried to stop him. It never worked out well for me. So I think I just became numb to it. But that's a story for another day. One of these times obviously left me pregnant. I'm guessing protection wasn't his top priority whilst he was beating and raping me. Guess he had other things on his mind." She chuckles a little, but it sounds so hollow. She's so matter of fact about what she's saying that it's scaring me a little. She's completely disassociated with it and I can't say I blame her, but it is breaking my heart. Whatever she needs to get through this. I can see where it's going, and I don't like any of it. I rub my hands over her body and hope I'm showing my support.

"I guess I was close to five months gone that night. Nineteen weeks they said. What he did that night I barely survived, let alone a baby. Poor thing never stood a chance. Everything is still there. They just said things were damaged. They wanted me to have a hysterectomy, but I couldn't do it. They said there was about a five percent chance I could ever conceive again and then a one percent chance that I would actually be able to carry the baby full term. But my heart just couldn't let that one percent go. I don't know why. At the time I never thought I would want to be with anyone else let alone have kids with them. You know?" I nod and kiss her head. I don't think I could speak if I wanted to. So many words of her words are rolling around my head. A one percent chance, how much that would hurt. To know she's carried this on her own all these years and not told anyone. The fact that she said she had barely survived that night, kills me. I had noticed a few things now I had seen her naked. She has so many scars inside and out. How dark would the world be without her in it? But the thing that's really rolling around the most is when she said she didn't think she would ever find someone she would want to be with. Does that mean she has now? Could I be that person to her? The next words out of her mouth floor me, she keeps surprising me and with everything she does I fall a little bit more. I know what she's doing and why she's doing it. She wants to forget and if she wants to use me for that I promised I would give her whatever she needs.

"So do you want to have sex first and then eat or food first then sex?" I smirk as I flip us over so I'm lying on top of her.

"How about sex now then sex in the kitchen while trying to make food before coming back to bed for more sex."

"I like the way your mind works Ackles." She kisses me and I know it's going to be a fun couple of hours. I feel this need to take all her pain away and replace it with pleasure.