Tennessee Whiskey AU

CHAPTER SIXTY FIVE

"I know you're hurting, You're searching, You're longing. For something more. Well this is the part in the movie scene where I take your hand and say Darling If you let me love you, Let me hold you, You will see those tears run dry."

                      Jensen's POV

I drop my arms from around her as if I've been burnt. 

"Is that what you think? That I'm like him?" I have no understanding how she could say that. Think that. Her face has gone white. She looks like she's about to be sick. I'm not doing so well myself. I need to get out of here. I start to move to stand up and get out of the bath. 

"No. Jay please stop. Please." She begs and puts her arms out to stop me.

"Scar, I just need a minute, ok." My heart breaks with how she's looking at me. I know I'm not helping but I need a hot second to get my head on straight. I need to figure out what this is about, where any of this has come from. I can't believe she would think that. What the fuck have I said or done that would make her think I'm even capable of treating anyone the way he did her. Let alone someone I'm falling in love with. 

I get out the bath and keep my back to her as I wrap a towel around my waist. I run a frustrated hand through my hair. When I finally manage to have my breathing back under control and the ringing in my ears to stop and turn round to face her she's still sitting where I left her. With her arms wrapped around her legs and her face buried, hiding from me. It takes me a minute of watching her silently rock before I notice she's crying. I wouldn't have noticed at all if I hadn't seen the tears drop from her face. It's one of the eeriest things I've ever seen. How can she sit there crying like that and not make a noise, and then it hits me. She couldn't cry with him. She couldn't make a noise. Shit, now I feel like a dick. Ok, that's got my head back on straight. I kneel beside the bath and rub my hand up and down her back.

"Come on sweetheart, let's get you out." It's a bit of a struggle seen as how she hardly seems conscience  and hardly able to move. I just need to get her standing up. I finally mange it. Wrap a towel around her and lift her up. I carry her into her bedroom and lie her down on the bed. Just when I thought she wasn't with it she grabs my arm to stop me from moving away.  I move her over and lie down next to her, just hold her until she calms down. 

"I guess we should talk," she says after she manages to find control.  "I guess I need to say I'm sorry. So sorry Jay."

"It's ok," I say stroking her back. "You ok?"

"No, probably not, but I hope I will be."

"So you want to talk." I say moving away from her to sit up, leaning against the headboard. I sense one of us is going to be hurt by this conversation and I think space between us is the best thing at the moment. She copies my movements to sit next to me. Except she keeps her head down and fiddles with her hands in her lap.

"I didn't mean it the way you took it." I look at her now, with a face that reads bullshit. She meant it exactly the way I took it, even if she doesn't realise it. "I know that's not you Jay. I know you aren't like that." She takes a deep breath. "What I'm trying to explain is, it won't ever be in my past. I'm not over it. I don't know if I will ever be truly free from it. It clouds everything. Even us. You deserve so much better than that, better than me. Better than someone who's head goes there in the first place. Even when she knows it's no where near possible. I feel so much for you and I don't know how to deal with that. Hell, I don't even know how to trust that. How to trust my own mind and judgement."
"What's that supposed to mean? You don't trust your feelings for me?" I ask getting even more confused now.
"I haven't dated anyone in a really long time. I thought I was in love before, but it turned sour. How do I know what love is?"
"I thought we had gone over this before."
"You're mad at me?" She asks. I don't know how that can surprise her but it seems to.
"I don't want to be a dick here Scar, but yeah I'm hurt and I'm pissed right at this moment. Hear me out," I say putting my hand on hers when she starts to speak. "I thought we were ok. Actually no that's not true. I thought we were good, really good. Turns out I was wrong. My gut instinct told me you would regret saying what you said. That one day you would run from it, from us. I was just stupid enough to think it would be longer than a day. Look, I'm not giving up and I'm not gonna let you push me away. Maybe that would be different if you didn't love me, I would have to find a way to deal with that. I don't think that's the case. So you do what you need to. Figure out what you need to. I'm hurt and I'm pissed so I'm gonna need a minute or two but then I'm right here with you. Ok?" I lean forward and kiss her head, it's a gesture I'm quickly learning helps her feel safe. "Let's get dressed and have something to eat. Yeah? See if we can't both feel a little better." She grabs my hand to stop me when I go to stand up.
"I don't regret it Jay. I just need to figure it out in my head. I should have done that first, I'm sorry for that. Can I kiss you?"
"You never have to ask." No matter how pissed I'm feeling I don't think I could ever say no to her. Fuck. I don't even think it's her I'm pissed at.

I now have about four hours left before I have to leave her, again. We've just finished eating lunch together. After breakfast this morning we put anymore talk of serious matters to rest for a while and spent the day curled up together watching TV. We spoke enough for me to say we're OK. Not where we were yesterday but  we're still together which is something I wasn't so sure of a couple of hours ago. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even know if this is ever going to be OK.
"Sweetheart can I ask you something?"
"Anything.  I can't say I will be able to answer it but I can promise I will try." Well at least being honest.
"Have you ever spoken to anyone about that night? I know not friends or family but like someone to help."
"You mean professionally? Yeah, Patrick wouldn't let me move here until I had."
"I was just wondering if it might help was all."
"It might. She kinda gave up on me in the end."
"Did you actually talk to her or just pretend you didn't know still?" She looks so sad I guess my tone was a bit harsher than I should have been, but she needs to start to move forward. She's never going to be able to get past it of she doesn't. For her own sake, even if the worst happens and we aren't together at the end of it all. I would still want that for her. Gor her to find happiness, even if it wasn't with me.
"Yes, I told her everything. Believe or believe not I did actually want her help. I would have done anything. Except for the one thing she told me I had to do. That I couldn't do, so I found a way to push it away. To block it out. To function and get on with my life."
"Turns out it wasn't as buried as you thought darlin'. What did she want you to do? Go and confront him in prison?" I asked. Seething. How stupid could this woman have been.
"Nope. In all honesty I probably could have done that. I had to face him in court anyway. I wasn't scared of him anymore. I'm more scared of being I'm that situation again. Being that out of control. Loosing myself."
"Being in love changes things. I must say I'm not much like my normal shelf."
"Yeah, that's a conversation after this one. She told me I needed to tell someone, that I was awake that night. That I knew it all. She suggested Erin or Pat. When I told her that wasn't going to happen she told me she couldn't help me anymore. So that ended that."
"She could have still carried on surely? Helped you until you could have spoken to someone. How could she not see you needed that?"
"She told me she had helped all she could. If I wasn't prepared to be honest with anyone else and I'm turn with myself there wasn't anything else she could do to help." She shrugs like it doesn't mean anything to her. But I can see it does. She opened up to this person. Told them everything for her to turn round and basically tell her she was a lost cause. No wonder she struggles with the idea of telling anyone else.
"That's not aa easy as it sounds. Even I know that. I also sort of get why you don't want to tell people. Maybe you could talk to your brother? I get you don't want them to think less of you. You have to know that wouldn't do that."
"That's not what it's about Jay. Answer me this. How much did it hurt you? Everything you've heard so far, everything I've told you."
"Yes, it's hurts. It hurts that someone I love and care about went through that. But I would rather know so that I can help you."
"OK, now picture this. Picture it again but this time its Mackenzie telling you all that. That it was your sister that had gone through that. After she had come to you with what she was going through and you had her hidden and safe and she was standing in front of you telling you that not only had you failed to do so, which you already knew but that she hadn't passes out like you thought, had taken comfort in, but instead she had been awake for it all. Still lives with all the pain. Now sit there and tell me how I'm supposed to tell him." She's getting upset again and it was the last thing I wanted to happen. I just hold her in my arms. I have no answer for her. Pat wouldn't be able to stand hearing that. If he had known back then it would have been him being sent down for murder and that's the last thing Scar would have needed. I don't even think she could tell him now. It would kill him. Knowing what she's dealt with since. Having spoken to him about the whole baby thing I know he wouldn't handle any other details well at all.
I just sit there and hold her. Let her cry a while. I tell her we will figure everything out. We will figure it out together. We have to.