i refuse to sink.

chapter twenty-seven.

"W-h-a-a-t?" I choked. I heard Harry sigh next to me. "So I'm mentally ill?" I asked.

"No, you have severe depression and bipolar disorder, it can be fixed with medicine." My therapist informed me.

"So, I'm insane?"

"No Morgan, just stop, okay? You are fine, I will be there to help you get better." Harry said and squeezed my hand.

"You will have to take two pills a day, one before bed and one when you wake up. For the first few weeks you will be tired, and you may get mad easily, but its just the side effects."

"Okay, thank you, she will take the pills." Harry said before I could have a say. I looked at Harry and he smiled at me. Don't smile at me. I groaned and buried my head into the pillow.

"And for the medication to work, you need to eat. Your eating disorder is what led up to this, so you need to get back on your normal eating routine in order to get better." The therapist who is basically telling me I'm insane told me.

"Fine, when can I leave?" I ignored what she told me.

"I don't have a say in that, but the doctors need to run some test and then they can tell you." She said. I nodded.

"Okay, thanks for---yeah.." I trailed off she frowned at Harry and smiled at me and nodded.

"You will get better Morgan, it all will. I will inform the doctors that you need your medication." She said and walked out the room. I looked at Harry and that's when the tears started streaming down my face.

"Shhhh, Morgan everything will get better, I am here for you, we all are. We want to see our old Morgan back, so we will do everything we can, okay? I love you, no matter how many pills you have to take." Harry whispered. I laughed into his chest and nodded.

"I love you Harry." I whispered.

"I love you too baby." Harry kissed me and snuggled me into his chest, where I drifted off to sleep.

*****

"I will call you later tonight, okay babe? Don't forget your medicine." Harry said through the phone. I groaned.

"I know Harry, Love you." I said and hung up after he said bye. I had been home for four days, three days ago I found out I had to take medication. Three days ago I found out I was bipolar. Three days ago I found out I had severe depression. Three days ago my life was ruined.

I know what your thinking, yes I think my life is ruined. Harry is constantly reminding me to take my meds and I know he is disgusted by me, but he is on tour again so he won't have to see me. I know he doesn't want to date a mental person, but I still love him. I get mad easily, and I cry, a lot. But its normal, but I can't help but think that its not normal. I'm not normal. I was never normal.

"I BOUGHT ICE CREAM!" Tori yelled barging in my room. Everyone has been so nice to me, I feel like a baby. They help me with everything and ask me if I am okay, and I hate it. I am trapped in my own body and I can't get out. I feel like such a cockblock, which I am, I know I am.

"Cookis dough I hope." I laughed at Tori. I smiled, but it was fake. Everything was fake now.

"You act like we aren't best friends babe." Tori joked. She handed me my cookie dought ice cream. My favorite. I thanked her and handed her a movie, we planned on watching movies all night. I still can't do much, since I almost died and all, but my medicine makes me exhausted and crabby all the time.

"Want to go shopping tomorrow? Or can you? Are you still in pain? I understand if you don't want to. I mean we can just go another time, if you want." Tori trailed off as I glared at her.

"I am fine Tori, sure I would love to go shopping with you." I said with no enthusiasm what so ever. Tori smiled at me and sighed then turned back to the movie. That's what people do to me all the time now. Smile at me full of sympathy and pity, sigh, and turn away. That's all they ever do, and it makes me feel so worthless, how would you feel if you were constantly sighed at?

"I'm going for a smoke." I said abruptly, and I got up from my bed and walked out the door before Tori could say anything. I have been smoking a lot recently, I am not supposed to and everytime I do the girls tell Harry or Zayn and they call me and tell me to stop. Last time Zayn called I told him to 'shut the fuck up, and let me do what I want' and hung up Harry nor Zayn tell me to stop me, they know I won't and they don't want to get me mad.

I will get better, I know I will. I just don't know when, and I lay in bed every night wishing I could be normal again, before my dad died. When I was happy.

*****

"NOOO! STOP!" I screamed at the girls.

"AHHHHH! NO NO MORGAN STOP!" Eleanor screamed back. Tori, Summer and Danielle were laughing beside us.

"Shut up, I am trying to win here." I laughed. I was racing Eleanor in a race car game, I got pretty competitive so I was trying to run her over the edge and she would do the same back.

"YESSS! I WON! I WON! YEAH BITCHES!" I laughed and did a victory dance on the table.

"Get down you filthy slut, you are so embarrassing." Tori laughed and hit my butt.

Yep, I was happy. I was more than happy actually. I was better, finally. I just hoped it would last.