DNS

Part 16 - A new chapter

Sitting opposite Charles on the plane, the only thing separating us is a small table that I wish was bigger so I could slide myself down and hide underneath it.

My face is expressionless right now but I am screaming internally.

I was hoping to avoid talking about it for as long as humanly possible. As much as I craved for answers as to why he reacted the way he did the morning after we had slept together, I was terrified the answers he was going to give, weren't the answers I wanted.

Nothing but dark blue below us as I glance out the tiny window of the plane, I take a deep breath trying to compose myself and prepare for this conversation, "Ok let's talk about it. Why were you so cold towards me? You spoke to me like I was nothing Charles."

"You're everything to me. I was angry with myself for crossing a line there is no coming back from."

His response completely confuses and angers me. I made the first move, I crossed the line, and Im glad I did. Him saying there's no coming back from it, what does that even mean? All I feel is an overwhelming sense that he completely regrets what happened between us.

"Do you regret it? I ask.

"I don't regret doing it but I regret the outcome."

What?!
What outcome?

Has seems to have created some terrible outcome that happened after we slept together that I'm completely unaware of. I just don't know what to feel thinking about how opposite our reactions were that morning waking up.

I was so happy I thought I was going to burst out of my skin, physically explode. Yet he looked and sounded like he wanted the ground to swallow him up.

"What outcome? What was SO bad about sleeping with me Charles?!"

My voice breaks a little as the words leave my mouth, trying to hold back tears and not let on how upset I am.

Instantly he stands from his seat, both hands on the table between us leaning forward with his eyes only centimetres from mine...

"NOTHING was bad. NOTHING." He shouts at me. "I know what it's like to be with you now and it's all I can think about Lilly! I regret it because we can never do it again!"

My body is completely stiff for a moment as he shouts in my face, he's never even raised his voice at me before, and rarely calls me Lilly. He was so visibly angry, so frustrated and I don't understand why. I don't understand why we can't do it again, or why we can't be together if we both feel the same way. It doesn't make sense to me - if we can't go back and we can't go forward what do we do?

"Well I want to be with you again, and I don't regret anything" I scream back in his face.

Out of nowhere both hands grab my face as he leans across the table to bring himself close to me planting his lips on mine, all I want is this. Kissing me with so much passion and desire, his soft lips, the feeling of his stubble under my fingers as I hold his face - I don't want this to end.

He pushes my face away from his, sits back in his seat, his head in his hands leaning forward on the table as he growls "aaaargghhhhh". "We can't do this!"

"What is wrong with you!!" I scream at him. "Why are you making this so difficult?!"

"I can't lose you."

Leaving my seat I run to the toilet and lock myself in the cubicle, it's barely big enough to move inside but I just need a moment to myself to breathe and calm down.

He says he doesn't want to lose me but right now he's doing a pretty good job of it. He wants me then he doesn't, then he does, then he can't? He's making issues where there aren't any and all I can think of is that he doesn't want to do this because he doesn't want to be with me. He might want to sleep with me and kiss me, but he doesn't want a relationship with me.

A message from the cockpit feeds through the crackling speakers, "please be seated for landing".

Great. Now I need to go back and face him, maybe he will kiss me then tell me he hates me this time, I just don't know what to expect or think anymore.

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