Fuck.
A weight is lifted off my chest finally managing to bring myself to tell him the truth, but that feeling quickly changes to complete and total fear of losing him, and guilt.
"Charles I..." "Get out." He cuts me off as I'm trying to explain.
"Lilly get out." He repeats.
He lashes out, swiping at the lamp sitting on the side table sending it flying across the room before it smashes off the wall, then storms into the bedroom attempting to slam the door. I manage to block it wedging myself in the gap and grab at his wrist pulling him back to me. "Charles please just let me explain." I plead.
"Lilly stop."
"Did you do this to hurt me? Or did you do this because you wanted to kiss him." His question takes me by surprise and I'm a little startled because there's really no good answer here. I either say I did it to hurt him - which is horrible and not true or I say I wanted to kiss him, which was true in the moment but equally not a great response.
"I didn't do this to hurt you, I'm so sorry." Is all I manage to say.
"I'm so sorry." I repeat.
"I just honestly need you to not be here right now. Can you stay at home tonight and we can talk tomorrow, I just need to think."
I don't want to leave, I want to stay and try and fix this but from the look on his face I can already tell that's not going to happen, at least not tonight.
I grab a few things and throw them in a bag, before turning back towards Charles. "Ill give you some space but I'm coming back in the morning, and please don't write us off. You're the most important person in the world to me Charles and I'm so so sorry for doing this."
I'm not sure what else to say.
Leaving Charles' apartment I feel almost numb, and so lost. I'm the cause of all my own problems.
Slowly beginning to get dark as the sun draws behind the cliffs, the winding streets are quiet and empty. It's peaceful and I really need the long walk home tonight to try and process my feelings and think about what on earth it is that I'm doing.
An hour ago I was questioning the entirety of my feelings towards Charles because of a single moment with Lando. I tell myself I know what I want and how I feel but I don't actually ever think I do really know. All I'm certain of is that I absolutely don't want to hurt Charles.
Instagram message
Lando Norris
Lan: So do you need rescuing?
Yes. In general. From life. I don't reply saying that but it's definitely how I'm feeling.
Lil: I'm ok thank you, just having a walk
Lan: I take it things didn't go well?
Lil: No, my heads just really messed up - I probably shouldn't even be messaging you back right now
Lan: But you are. Where are you going on your walk?
Lil: To my house for the night
Lan: Oh, it went that badly
Lil: Yeah, I've established I'm actually a horrible person
Lan: You're not a horrible person I'm just irresistible, it's understandable
Wow. This man really is something else, but here I go again smiling at my screen, I don't know what it is with him. A second message comes through.
Lan: Are you sure you're going to be ok staying in that house on your own?
I hadn't even thought about it, I was just wandering aimlessly down the streets. Drinking for numerous days after finding out about my Dads death was the last time I'd stayed in that house, and I didn't pay it any mind I was so out of it. Suddenly I'm really nervous about it, but I smile a little at the fact he's remembered the details of our conversation that night at the storage facility.
Lil: I think I'll be ok, well I'm going to have to be really I don't have another choice
Lan: You can stay here if you like
Is he ok? That's a terrible idea.
Lil: I don't think that's a good idea at all Lando, Charles hates me right now and staying at your house would just be the nail in the coffin
Lan: Are you 90? That's something my parents would say. If you change your mind or need company just let me know. My spare room is free if that's going to make you more comfortable than having to stay on your own
Lil: 22 in a week actually! And thank you Lando I really do appreciate the offer
Lan: Oh, anything nice planned? Its my birthday on the 13th of November if you'd like to mark that in your calendar
Anything nice planned? No? Absolutely not. My life is in complete turmoil, my two closest friends are studying abroad and are on a completely different time zone so we don't speak as regularly anymore, my best friend / kind of boyfriend hates me and might never speak to me again. I'm currently going to stay in my empty house filled with reminders my Dad is no longer here, things could definitely be better. Anyway enough of the self pity thought train.
Lil: Nothing planned, I mean things are a little crazy right now
Lan: I'll make some plans
I really don't know what to do here. If I have any form of relationship with Lando, even as friends, that's me completely giving up any chance of fixing things with Charles. But I also just don't want to stop talking to Lando - at all.
I'm so caught up in this dilemma I've walked completely past my house, by a good 100m. Turning back around I slowly make my way towards the front door, standing here just feels different. It doesn't feel like my home anymore. Eventually I open the door and head inside, walking straight upstairs to my room. If I'm going to stay here this is at least the place I feel most comfortable.
Closing my door behind me I realise how quickly this place has begun to look like it's an abandoned house - I guess it kind of has been in a way. Dust lines every corner of my room, the bed sheets smell like dust, the windows a little dirty and condensed, it just feels - dead.
Message to Charles -
I hope you're doing ok, I'm at home now - it's really strange being here and it feels lonely and completely abandoned, and it's so so dusty. I know you probably don't care about all that but I'm really sorry Charles, I just wish you were here. I wish I hadn't messed this up.
I do wish he was here, and I know I love him - I'm just not sure what kind of love it is anymore.
As my stomach begins to cramp I realise how hungry I am, having eaten nothing all day - the only calories I'd consumed were from the wine. I brace myself and walk downstairs into the kitchen, I'm unsure why I thought there was going to be any food here - there's nothing, not even some plain dry pasta or anything I could fashion the most basic of meals from.
Putting my shoes back on and grabbing a coat, as it was a little colder tonight than usual for this time of year, I leave in the search of some food. I've walked for about 5 minutes before I see the first little restaurant light in the distance - I just need something to eat now and I don't really care what it is.
It smells amazing.
It's almost hidden away around a corner leading onto a little alley, the tucked away places like this always have the best food - I grab a menu and start to scan.
"You just can't leave me alone can you?"
What is he doing here.
"Hey Lando."
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YOU ARE READING
DNS
أدب الهواةThey were drivers, they were best friends. No one was expecting lockdown to happen in 2020, and Lilly and Charles certainly weren't expecting for their story to turn out like this.
