Disaster. The whole weekend is a disaster. Charles and Seb wipe each other out on the first lap and both are DNF. But the worst part of this weekend, dare I even get into it...
Arriving in Austria the air is brisk and I've spent most of my travel time just sitting and thinking about what exactly it is I want from life, and how I can ever explain to Charles what's happened without crushing him. I don't think he would ever even be friends with me again after this - were so so far past that point.
He was right all along. We should never have crossed the line.
I really do love him, so much. He's everything to me, he always has been. And I wish he always would be, but I've ruined that. I've ruined us. I question everything. Is it that I'm not in love with him, or is it that I just want them both equally? Is it even possible to be in love with two people at the same time as much as one another - but both are entirely different.
I don't know what's going on in my head anymore. If i'm being honest with myself for once - I don't think it could ever work with either of them, because I'd still always want the other. I can't believe I'm admitting that but I don't think I could ever say no to either of them, I don't think I could ever be in their presence and not feel something.
I just want to see him. I just want to see Charles.
The second I arrive at my hotel, I empty my bags - put some comfy clothes on, and call him.
"Hi I'm in room 11 on the 6th floor, can you come here please."
"I'll be there in 5 minutes."
My heart is racing. I'm not mentally prepared to have this conversation, I don't want to admit what I've done, because it's the worst possible thing I could have.
The quiet tapping makes me stand to alert, bracing myself as I slowly walk to the door and open it. Before I can speak a word, Charles hugs me as he enters the room.
"I'm sorry, I should never have spoken to you like that - I was just freaking out and scared, I saw all the posts but I couldn't get in touch with Charlotte. It took me hours to find out that it wasn't true." He says desperately.
His hug is everything. I fall into his arms hugging him back tightly. "It's ok you've done nothing wrong at all I understand how stressful that must have been. When I saw it my heart broke Charles, I thought that was it for us. Because I know you."
"What do you mean because you know me amour?"
"If she was pregnant, you'd have gotten back with her in a heartbeat - because you will never have a child that isn't raised in a family and I know that better than anyone."
He can't speak for a moment, because he knows I'm right - it's a rarity I'm aware, this time I know that's exactly what would happen, and that's what hit me in the moment. I thought it was all over for Charles and I. Which it would have been.
"You're right but that doesn't mean I don't love you and she's not pregnant so we don't need to worry about that."
"Charles the fact is, you would have got back with your ex if she was actually pregnant, and in that moment I went to Lando. I know we both love each other but I don't think we can be together without hurting each other." I say.
I can't believe I've spoken those words aloud. I'm the only one of us here that's actually caused any true hurt, but I also could have just as easily been dropped for Charlotte if she was actually pregnant.
"What do you mean you went to Lando. And you don't want to be together anymore? I don't understand, what changed? Everything was perfect when you left."
It was.
"Everything changed Charles, I thought everything was falling apart! I thought you were going to be having a baby and getting back with her, and then you didn't reply to me at all! I was left miles away in another country not knowing what was going on, and then when you did speak to me you screamed at me down the phone and hung up. If I didn't think things were bad enough already, I did after that call!"
"I know and I'm so sorry I shouldn't have done that but what do you mean that you went to Lando? Just tell me the truth!" He begs.
I can't. I can't physically do it. The words won't leave my mouth.
"He was just there for me when I needed him Charles, I was upset and you weren't there - and he was."
"I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THERE." He screams at me, his voice almost breaking as if he were about to burst into tears.
This is breaking me.
I throw my arms around him, shaking and crying. He has always been there. Always. In his one moment of weakness and fear he lashed out - and I betrayed him.
What have I done.
"I'm so sorry" barely able to get the words out. Silence. 30 minutes at least of no talking, just crying and holding one another. I don't deserve this man. He's perfect in every way, yet somehow that wasn't enough for me to not ruin this.
Tears are forming in his eyes as he grits his teeth.
"I just wanted the truth."
What?
"If there was ever hope of us fixing this, all I needed was the truth." He says, tears in his eyes and a look of anger and hatred. A look I'd never seen in his eyes before.
Putting his hand in his pocket, he pulls something out. Places it on my bed as he begins walking away towards the door.
"If you ever loved me all I needed was the truth, I'd never betray or lie to you like this. It's done Lilly. We're done."
My heart is breaking.
He slams the door and leaves my room, I scramble to see what it is that he placed on the bed, every part of my body goes cold.
The white thong.
The white thong with Lando's name still boldly written on the label.
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DNS
FanfictionThey were drivers, they were best friends. No one was expecting lockdown to happen in 2020, and Lilly and Charles certainly weren't expecting for their story to turn out like this.
