As I lay here on this cold floor - cold but clean floor, I can't shake the feeling of being completely torn. Wishing my dad was here so I could just talk to him and ask him for some advice. I'm clearly not cut out for making any remotely reasonable decisions on my own. I've proven that recently.
Do I stay here a while? Do I go back to Charles apartment? I don't know what to do. Staying here on the floor for hours isn't really an option, and I can't even stay in this house without keeping myself busy, but there's nothing left to do.
I can't call Charles to pick me back up yet either, after what? cleaning for 5 minutes and the whole house is finished - yeah sure, sounds plausible.
A feeling washes over me and something in my gut just tells me it's time to call Sara back. I'd forgotten all about telling her I would call back until this moment. it was almost as if I were being nudged to call her. Staring up at the ceiling, still laid on the floor, I pick up the phone and call her.
She answers straight away.
"Hey Lilly, I was just this second about to call you again, how strange." She says.
"I thought I better call you back, I'm sorry our last call got cut short - I just have so much going on right now. Are you ok?" I respond.
"Yeah I'm really good actually, but you don't sound like you are, is everything ok?" She says. I can hear the genuine concern and care in her voice.
"No I'm a little allover the place and I honestly feel lost without my Dad here to talk to. Right now I'm laid on the floor of our house in a really shitty situation and I have things going on with two guys one of which I'm in love with and one which i have no idea about, I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore."
What is wrong with me? Why am I divulging my life story to a girl I don't even know. Trauma dumping 10 seconds into the phone call. She probably just wants to find out about how our situation even happened and here I am providing her with a really weak episode of Jerry springer.
"Ok wow, well I know we don't really know each other at all but you can talk to me, I'll just listen."
I think that's all I needed. To speak all my thoughts out loud and have someone listen.
I think I've told her my entire life story - we've been on the phone for 45 minutes at this point. I've explained everything that's went on the last few months in detail and also gave her some background context about my relationship with Charles.
"So you've kind of already made your choice from what I'm hearing Lilly." She says.
"What do you mean?" I respond.
"Well you've just spent at least 20 minutes telling me how much you love Charles and want to be with him, but you haven't been able to stop mentioning the desire you're fighting for Lando when you're with him. Do you really think if you loved Charles and wanted to be with him as much as you say that you'd have these feelings for Lando at all?"
I'm lost for words. I have no idea what to respond. This advice is not what I want to hear at all - but is she right?
"I don't know Sara I'm just torn, it's not a question of love and wanting to be with Charles because I know that's what I do want, it's that I can't trust myself around Lando. I want a future with Charles and a life, where as that isn't what I see with Lando - it's stupid in the moment lust."
"I guess you kind of have to make a choice then, if you want this future with Charles then you just need to completely cut Lando from your life."
She's right. That's exactly what I need to do.
"Thank you for listening to me ramble for so long I honestly needed this and it's been so long since I've been able to get anything off my chest, it's really helped me Sara. When the restrictions lift in the USA let's make plans to meet because we really need to see each other in person, maybe then we can talk about actual things that matter as opposed to my crumbling love life."
"Yeah I can't wait, and it's not crumbling right now but you just need to make a decision before it does! It's been really nice just getting to know you Lilly - I'm going to have to go though I need to get to work." She says.
"Thank you! Ok bye, speak soon Sara."
That was such a nice call, we laughed and joked about my dilemma but we're so so similar in a way. I needed that and it's made it clear to me what I need to do if I'm to make sure I don't ever ruin my relationship with Charles, and that's to completely cut Lando off.
Charles calling -
"Are you ready come home mon amour?"
"I am"
"Great I'll pick you up now."
I just want one perfect night with him before we don't see each other for a few days.
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YOU ARE READING
DNS
FanfictionThey were drivers, they were best friends. No one was expecting lockdown to happen in 2020, and Lilly and Charles certainly weren't expecting for their story to turn out like this.
