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Part 51 - Run

Almost 3 months had passed since Austin.

I ran away.

I couldn't face what I'd done and I didn't want to be involved in that hurt, the hurt I'd caused. The quiet countryside of Surrey has been my home for the last 11 weeks, living within the small four walls of a hotel room which believe it or not, is beginning to feel quite comfortable and homely.

There's nothing to do here and I don't know anyone really besides Adrien and Leah but I don't see very much of them outside the base. I've been burying my head in the gym training as much as possible, spending a much time on the sim as I can, and I've had a few more run outs in the actual car itself on track.

I desperately want to prove myself as a driver this year, being the only woman in F2 I can't get away with just being ok, I need to be the best - as much as people will say it's not an issue, being a woman in motorsport is far harder. If I make a mistake on track it's because I'm a woman, if a man makes a mistake on track - he's just made a mistake.

Charles hasn't spoke to me since that night in my hotel room in Austin. I tried - for weeks. He even stayed out of his apartment so he wouldn't run into me incase I came back looking for him. He packed all my things and sent them to my house in Monte Carlo.

All I can do now to feel any form of relationship with him is to watch every interview he does, every media encounter, every fan sighting or post he makes. Just so I can feel close to him in some way. He won't speak to me.

Lando's reached out to me multiple times - he doesn't know where I am. I've stayed clear of posting on all personal social media and only made a few posts with the team the last couple of months. It didn't feel right to continue anything with him after how much I'd hurt Charles, it wasn't the right thing to do, and I didn't want to after how I was left feeling in that hotel room as Charles left.

I miss them both so much. Every part of me wants to reach out and speak each day to them, but I can't.

It's 1 week until my first race of the season in Bahrain. I'm ready, more ready than I've ever felt - and the car is good. We actually have a chance of winning races in this car which makes it so much more exciting. I need to execute this race to perfection and make absolutely no mistakes.

A week passes by in what feels like nothing.

It's race day.

The heat of Bahrain is so overpowering, the high humidity, this is something I didn't even take into consideration. I've trained hard but nothing has has prepared me for how exhausting and hot this race is going to be. With conditions like this it's going to make it much more of a battle with endurance, hydration and trying to not overheat.

My fireproofs are on, navy and tight. I'm already feeling quite hot and I don't even have my race suit on yet. This is going to be tough. My race suit is thankfully white, which shouldn't heat up as much as a darker one. Gloves are on. Boots are on and laces tied. The only thing left - my helmet. Or Lando's should I say.

Just looking at this helmet, gripping it tightly in my hands almost brings me to tears. I've felt so alone these last weeks, but as I slide this helmet on over my balaclava, I can smell him. It sounds pathetic but it gave me the strange sense and feeling that he was here with me in a way.

This helmet means a lot to me, and I do hope he's watching the race and sees me wearing it. I didn't stop talking to Lando or cut him off because I wanted to, I wanted him badly and that was the issue. I cut him off because it was the right thing to do by Charles - and the least I could do given how much wrong I'd done by him.

As I walk towards the grid, ready to go. Already sweating. I see him.

20ft away from me there stands Charles giving an interview. He doesn't see me yet. His wide leg blue jeans and a simple white T shirt, his wild hair that looks like he's grown it a little - he looks beautiful. Smiling with his eyes they're full of light as he laughs with the interviewer. It brings a smile to my face just seeing him look so happy.

I walk slightly closer, needing to pass by to get to the grid and get myself sat in the car ready for lights out. That's when he notices me, he can't see my eyes - my visor is down. But I can see his.

He leaves the interview excusing himself and marches over to me, every emotion running through my body at once because I have no idea what to expect. He throws his arms around me, holding me so tight I'm sure I was close to breaking ribs, but I didn't want him to let go. I never thought he would hug me again, I needed this more than I knew.

Taking my helmet off so I can see him properly, I have 5 minutes before I need to get in the car. All I can do is burst out "I'm so sorry I've missed you so much."

"Now isn't the time for that or sorry's, you have a race to go and win - make sure you show everyone that you deserve to be here. Do you really think I'd ever miss your first race back. You've got this ok. Now go and get in the car." He says.

I wasn't expecting this at all but it couldn't have made me feel any better. I thank him, kiss him on the cheek - then make a run to the grid before I lower myself into the car.

I'd qualified in 5th, which I wasn't exactly unhappy about but it could have definitely been much better - I had to make up some places quickly in these earlier laps before I allow the cars ahead to get away.

And we're off.

I get an incredible start - up into 4th on the first corner, but I stay here for the next 10 laps, unable to pass Piastri in front. He was defending brilliantly before eventually locking up and losing his rear momentarily as I put him under pressure, finally I'm past him and up into third!

I want to win of course, but if I can get a podium in my first ever F2 race after being away for so long - I'll be more than pleased with that, especially considering my team mate who's the number 1 driver - is down in 14th.

Lap 28 of 32 and my tyres are gone. It feels like I'm driving on ice going round any low speed corners, but I need to hold onto this P3 and get to the end of the race.

I get slightly distracted as my eyes dart to the big screen while I'm flying down the main straight, it's Lando! He's here and watching. This must have spurred me on actually because on the next lap alone I'd made up 2 seconds on Lawson in front of me who was in second place.

It's lap 30 of 32, I go for the overtake on Lawson to get myself into second place, he breaks hard, and so so early causing me to hit into his rear wing and spin, what the fuck is he doing?! I spin at a 90° angle on the track so I'm straight across the width of the tar mac - but I'm on a blind high speed bend.

The yellow flag doesn't appear in time.

His race engineers didn't have time to warn him. Piastri flys round the bend, trying his best to break and avoid me but he can't - ploughing his car straight into the side of me.

Darkness.

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