Looking out onto the empty street ahead of me while waiting for the taxi, all I feel is an overwhelming sense of guilt. All I've wanted for so so long is to be wanted by Charles in the same way that I've wanted him, and now I've messed it all up.
It doesn't even matter right now what he says about seeing Charlotte today, because even if his actions were completely innocent - mine weren't.
For years in my head I've pictured and fantasised about what it would be like to finally be with him, and now I'd finally got it - I've ruined it. I can't go back and try and resolve any of this and not tell him the truth about what happened with me and Lando tonight. As much as I'd love to do that and pretend and go on like it didn't happen, it did.
The taxi finally arrives and I jump in, "good evening miss". Its certainly evening but I'm not sure about good. With only a ten minute journey back to Charles apartment, I don't have much time to get myself together and prepare what it is that I'm going to say but I'm going to have to figure this out.
I've lashed out and behaved like a spoilt child. I know I don't want to be with Lando - I want Charles, he's all I want and he's all I've ever wanted and i've been so so stupid. I think I just liked the attention Lando gave me, when I most needed it, and don't get me wrong - he's absolutely gorgeous and I do like him but I should have never acted on attention or lust, but I did.
The taxi journey seems to be over in the blink of an eye and before I know it I'm pulling into Charles' street. He's standing there, waiting at the front door as I get out the taxi and begin my shameful walk towards him. My heart is racing so fast and every part of me is trying to hold it together and not to shatter into a million pieces or burst out crying.
"Lilly. Tell me what's going on now, why have you been with Lando? is there something going on between you two? and please don't lie to me." He says.
All I can do while I'm trying not to break down is grab him and hug him. "Charles I only want you, I'm so so sorry. There's never going to be anything going on with me and Lando I promise you. I've messed up so badly and I'm so sorry for being with him today, I was so mad about seeing you with Charlotte and I know that's not an excuse but it really got to me Charles." I say.
He looks at me with such a sadness and uncertainty in his eyes, still saying nothing in response.
"I was going to get lunch with Lando and I saw the photos of you and Charlotte, you didn't respond to me all day and I just didn't understand what was going on."
"So you saw a few photos and just assumed the worst?" He says.
"Yes Charles, obviously. You told me you were training and then all I see is photos of you with Charlotte? Do you really expect me to just be ok with that and not think anything of it? What would you think? Put yourself in my position."
"I understand that, and its easily explained - let's go inside. I just still don't understand why you were with Lando?"
I don't know what to say to him. I don't want to lie but I also don't want to tell him what happened tonight. I know I need to and it's the right thing to do but it's going to ruin everything.
As we walk inside the apartment heading towards the living room, both in silence - you could cut through the tension in the air with a knife.
"I was training this morning working on my breathing so Andrea and I did some diving, when I got back to the bay Charlotte was there. She only came over to give me the key back for the apartment and asked if I could give her a ride 5 minutes away from where we were. Yeah maybe I should have said no but it just didn't seem like an issue, I was going that way anyway and it wasn't just me and her to be clear, Andrea was there too."
I felt so stupid. Why did I instantly assume the worst and think he was sneaking around with her, I know him better than that. Here I go again letting my overthinking completely control my actions.
"Why were you with Lando." He asks.
"We bumped into each other yesterday at the storage unit and I met up with him just to go for lunch today while you were out training. Charles it really isn't anything to worry about." I say.
"So it was just lunch?" He asks.
"It was just lunch Charles, I enjoy his company as a friend but it's you I want to be with."
The second those words leave my lips I know I'm in trouble. Why can't I just be honest with him. I don't think I do have any feelings for Lando but I should at least have the decency to be honest with Charles and tell him what happened tonight. He deserves the truth. I flash back, remembering the day I called him a coward, but its me that's being the coward now.
"So you didn't get mad at me and fuck him? I know how impulsive you can be."
What the?
His words feel like a knife in the gut. As much as i'm hiding the expression from my face, I'm so upset that he would think that of me. But I think i'm more upset because he's actually right. I am impulsive and act out when things don't go my way, and the truth is, if Lando hadn't have stopped - that's exactly what would have happened.
"No I didn't fuck him Charles."
"Good because that's my job."
Im trying not to laugh because I know the seriousness of the situation but in my head all I just heard was that it's his job to fuck Lando, I get the intention of what he was trying to say but the execution was definitely a little off.
"But I did kiss him."
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Should he forgive her or is this the end of Lilly and Charles? What do we think?
YOU ARE READING
DNS
FanfictionThey were drivers, they were best friends. No one was expecting lockdown to happen in 2020, and Lilly and Charles certainly weren't expecting for their story to turn out like this.
