DNS

Part 44 - Reality

There isn't much time before I'll be leaving once again. After only arriving home from Austria yesterday, I'll be back on a plane making my way to Surrey by tomorrow morning.

The time has finally come for me to sign official contracts and take part in media questioning and create a few videos to promote myself and the team. Tomorrows the day I'll officially be able to say...

I'm Lilly Walker - a Formula 2 driver for Rodin Carlin.

Those words have been repeating over and over in my head for the last week, but once tomorrow is over it's finally going to be my reality. This feels like a dream. There's nothing in this world I want more than to be back on track, racing - winning.

Lando's words are also still echoing in my head every so often as I'm unwillingly drawn back to race day in Austin. I've not spoken with him since and I don't plan too - I just don't think it's a good idea at all. He has this strange hold over me and I hate who I am when I'm around him.

With Covid restrictions still very much in place around most of the world, the second Grand Prix of the season is also going to be held at the red bull ring. Strange I know, but this means Charles will be leaving for Austria again tomorrow.

It's better if he gets there a day before practice starts so he can settle a little and make sure he's in a good headspace. The crazy amount of travel is no good for anyone. Hopefully he can have another great race and get himself on the podium for a second week in a row.

Media and promo duties should be finished by the end of the day on Thursday, leaving just enough time for me to fly directly from London to Vienna and make it in time for final practice ahead of qualifying on Saturday - all things going to plan that is.

I feel like I've not stopped recently, it's been one thing after another and one country to another. It's as if I've not had my feet on the ground properly once.

Im only just getting round to emptying my bags from Austin to do some washing. I have no clean clothes what so ever everything's just been left in different bags here there and everywhere from my various trips lately. I need to get myself together and just have a day of cleaning and organising before all the chaos and travel begins again.

Placing a whites wash in first, the lacy white thong Lando had returned to me catches my eye as I notice a flash of black on the inside while putting it in the washing machine. It's ink? He's wrote on it is he for real?!

Picking it up I notice it says 'Lando's' on the label inside. What possessed him to do this.

I can't help but flash back to the moment his hand was brushing over me as I looked into his eyes and my entire body trembles. Ugh snap out of it!!

It looks like it's been written in permanent marker too so Its unlikely that it's going to come out, let's hope for the best otherwise it looks like they're going in the bin - I might have to bin them anyway just to avoid thinking about him any time I see those pants.

• Washing
• Drying
• Hoovering
• Mopping
• Windows
• Bedsheets

Done.

It felt like the longest day of doing the most mundane tasks, but ironically it was just incredibly nice to be home. Charles apartment felt like home to me, even though we hadn't spent an awful lot of time here, it felt like home more than any other place to me, or maybe that was just because he was here too.

But it wasn't my home, I'd left my own home neglected under what's most likely mountains of dust by now, and it's time for me to get to work on cleaning that house and bringing it back to what it was.

Maybe making that house my own and completely re decorating will make it feel less of a shell, less of a memory - right now in that house it's like a shrine to a moment in time, everything's stood still.

I'm dropped off outside my house. Charles waves goodbye as he fly's off down the road roaring the engine of the Ferrari pista. I asked him to leave, I had to do this alone - I needed to do this on my own.

For too long I've avoided this and needed company when I've been here and now It's time to take a moment and say goodbye to this house, or say goodbye to what this house once was. It's never coming back, he's never coming back - and I think being able to face that and face tackling this house is the last thing I need to do which will finally allow me to accept that.

This chapter of my life needs to close, a new one begins tomorrow.

Taking the key from the hanging basket which dangles down above me, I place it in the lock of the huge wooden door and turn it, and to my surprise when the door opens, it's spotless.

Completely spotless.

I have no idea what's happened here but the house looks fresh, new - dust is gone, the windows are clean, everything smells fresh - it looks lived in again.

An envelope sits on the floor, with just 'Lilly' wrote in the front.

I carefully tear open the envelope, pulling out a letter, and a card which falls to the floor.

What's this? I pick the card up from the floor and notice it's a hotel room card.
Room 4 - Hilton hotel.

The letter reads...

I hope this helps you breathe for a moment, both figuratively and literally now that the dust is gone. You don't need to do everything on your own. When you're in Surrey - you don't need to be there alone either. It's up to you.

L x

I sit down on the floor, the cold wood beneath me - just thinking for a moment. Remembering the night I brought Lando here, he saw me get the key from the hanging basket, that's how he's managed this.

Why is he so persistent? I don't understand why he hasn't gave up yet. No matter what I do to push him away, he's seen me with Charles, I've told him I love Charles. Yet he's still here.

And in a sense, part of me loves that.

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