Imperial Affairs (Levi X Reader) AU

73. Beautiful Lies

Reader's POV

I squeezed his hand in mine. He was hurting and I was the cause. Maybe I should have just brought Mikasa since she wouldn't feel it because she already met them all years ago. There would be a chance that I'd lose him to the Empress but at least he wouldn't feel the pain.

And he wouldn't see me falling.

He wouldn't pity me.

I didn't want his pity.

And neither did I want their vile and disparaging comments as they looked at me and belittled me with nothing but their gazes. Their eyes said everything. They were having fun seeing me fall. They were having fun watching me struggle to stay afloat as something pulled me down into the bottomless ocean until I lost the strength to not sink.

They were having fun watching me squirm as the rock tied to my leg slowly but surely, dragged me down.

It was difficult to have a neutral expression when I wanted to scream and cry. It was difficult to act the part of a perfect prince with a heart of stone when it was shaking in fear and my body could barely keep the vibrations from showing on the outside.

And I hated that the closest thing I had gotten to relief was taken away from me. The emotions I felt because I thought I could finally avenge my mother were crushed in an instant. Had she known? How could she? I didn't know the answers to those questions. All I knew was that the Emperor was going to ingest the poison. And all I could do was watch.

It wasn't so bad actually. I wanted him to die. I wanted my father to disappear from my life so I could finally give myself space from him and properly hate him for killing my sister and pushing me down an endless cycle of misery. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't let him die. If he died then since multiple imperial family members had a claim to the throne and an heir hadn't been announced, there would be a civil war.

I won't pretend to be a good person. I won't pretend to have made that sacrifice because I didn't want to see that endless killing. I would kill for my benefit, no matter what the number may be. I didn't do it to prevent a war. I didn't do it to save anyone's life. I won't agree to die to save people I don't even know the names of. The only people who truly matter to me are my closest. It's the same for everyone. Someone who disagrees is lying.

I won't pretend to be a good person. I'll just be real. I didn't do it to save people. I did it to preserve a lie.

I could only hate my father if he disappeared from the face of the earth and only then could I think about what he had done. I couldn't hate him if I saw him every time I opened my eyes. I couldn't hate him...because my heart didn't get over feelings as quickly as my mind did with thoughts.

Till the very end, I could only be a coward afraid to let go of her father's hands when he had already pushed her away. Till the very end, I could only be a weakling who was too scared to let go of someone's feet and willingly fall into the abyss when that person had used those same feet to kick them.

Till the very end...I couldn't forget the man at my mother's funeral who looked at her grave with dead eyes and cried about her death after hiding in a corner only I knew about.

Till the very end...I couldn't see that my existence seemed wretched to him and all the times he defended me were nothing more than empty lies to himself as he told himself he was protecting my mother's daughter but gave up when he saw his face in me and not my hers.

And he killed my sister so that he wouldn't have to see her face everyday and remind himself of his mistake that day, to leave her alone on that day.

Maybe he also hated me because he took me away that day and I wasn't with my mother to die for her. That was the only way she could have lived.

My father didn't change. He was always the same. He just stopped acting.

All the times he showed his care toward me were nothing more than lies and I desperately tried to preserve that lie by agreeing to die for him.

If I died believing in a lie then it would become the truth for me.

I knew that even after I died, he wouldn't care for me. It would make no difference to him. It would make a difference to my enemy, the Empress, in a different way but at least she would stop to think about it. My own father that I always looked up to, wouldn't.

He wouldn't attend my funeral. I was glad that he attended my mother's because he was always so busy. It was his way of showing that she meant something to him. Not attending mine would be his way of showing that I didn't. That he hated me because the Empress killed my mother when I should have died that day.

And I think he hated himself too. Because he was the one who took me out for that day. If I had remained at my mother's palace then I would have died and she would have lived. That was what he wanted in the end.

I didn't realise...that when I held his hand at her funeral, he wished me to be in that grave instead of her. He wished that to be my photo. And he wished her to be crying over my death.

He didn't defend me from the Empress because he saw a future in me. He defended me because I had my mother's blood in me. But the more and more I became a different person, the more and more he saw no use of me.

Maybe...he is right.

Maybe...Christa would still have been alive.

Maybe...Erwin could have fulfilled his dream.

Maybe...those three wouldn't have to suffer anymore. The longer I live...the more they suffer.

Maybe...I should have died that day...instead of her.

My existence has always been futile. People around me proved that to me. They showed me that no matter what I did, I was replaceable and there was always someone better than me, someone they cared about more.

No one...ever...chose me...like I chose them...over and over again.

A/N = I released a new story called Truth or Date! Please check it out if you get the chance!

I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

November 8, 2023

- Heliaxa