A Time To Be Alive

Chapter 27- "I Walk the Line"

December 1st 1961 ( Friday)

     I've been avoiding having the talk with Johnny. Really just avoiding him. It's sweet he wants to explore options but im just trying to convince myself it isn't true when there is a possibility. They had sex, while out of their minds. I doubt the first thing on their minds was a condom.  Sure Monica's crazy but what if she's actually pregnant, or worse, pregnant with Johnny's kid?

     It was a chilly day so i wore an orange sweater tucked into a black skirt. I threw a coat on and headed out for school. I open the door and Johnny is there about to knock. "Hey Rina im glad i caught you!" "Can't talk im running late. " He stops me in my tracks. "How bout you let me take you and talk on the way?" "I can't ." He pulls me close. "Cmon doll how long are you gonna avoid me?" "I just need space." "That's what ive been giving you but please, don't ignore me forever.  It's torture. " "Im just thinking how lives are gonna change.  What will happen with us if she is pregnant with your kid?" He sighs. "Well what if it's not mine? What if it's someone elses or she's lying?" "Well we wont know. I have to go now." "Marina. Let me take you to school please. You'll freeze to death." "Fine."

     I was quiet the whole ride to school. There was nothing else to say. I really like Johnny but i dont think i want to be a stepmom. Especially under the circumstances.  "Johnny, i think you should be with Monica. For the baby." He turns to look at me. "Are you out of your god damn mind?" "Well i mean, who knows if I'll even stick around?" I pulled a cigarette out of my bag. I came quite accustomed to smoking while stressed. Lately its been more frequent. "Rina, what are you saying? Youre gonna leave me?" I took a long drag. When i turned to look at him he looked almost teary eyed. What can i say, i love the man but i also don't know if id be here forever. This will be the best solution.
"I just think thats a probability. I dont know if ill stay the rest of my life. This whole experience was memorable but, i have to go back one day." I swear i saw a tear roll down but he turned away.

     We arrived at school. We didn't talk most of the ride. As i was getting out of the car he stops me. He pulls me close and kisses me deeply. When he pulls away he looks at me like he wants to say something. "We'll figure this out alright? Just dont do anything rash." "Ok." He gives me a soft kiss. I get out the car and head to class. What am i going to do?

     I sat alone at lunch. I needed to decompress.  I snuck off onto the football field and lit a cigarette. Man does that feel good. I sat on the bleachers and thought. What if i did leave? It wouldn't be so bad would it? I'd just go back to my old life. No Betty, no Lucy,no Peanut, no James, no Monica thankfully, and no Johnny. What else do i have here? I kept taking drags till someone was approaching me. It was James.

     "Hey Rina." "What are you doing here? Dont you go to school across town?" He takes my cigarette from me and takes a drag. "I ditched. I needed to see you." "Why?" "Just to see if you're ok. I know things ended badly between us but i still care about you." "Thanks. Howd you know i was here anyway?" "I asked Bettie and she said she saw u walk off towards the field. What's on your mind?" "The whole Johnny Monica situation. Im thinking of going back home." "Oh i can take you home." "No i mean, back to Sacramento. " James had a cold look on his face. "Why would you leave?" "Johnny wont leave me, so i have to leave him. It's the only way. He has to be there for his kid." I feel my eyes get watery. I know it sounds ridiculous but i feel i have no options.

     I find myself in James arms. He was comforting me. He pulls away wiping my tears away. It was sweet. What caught me off gaurd was him leaning in to kiss me. I pushed him away. "What are you doing?" "Oh! Uh im sorry i thought we were having a moment. Sorry if i misread you." "Right. I have to go." "Where are you going?" "I just have to get out of here!"

     I run down the bleachers and head towards the office. I looked for Lucy but didn't see her anywhere. "Miss Hernandez may i help you?" The principal asked. "Yes i just wanted to let Mrs. Davis know im going home early. I don't feel very well." "Oh goodness well get yourself some rest ill let her know!" "Thank you."

     I walked home from school. I needed to clear my head from all that is my life at the moment.  What can i even do? I think i should head back home. I have to at some point i guess. I should go home and pack. Before i do, im stopping at the diner for some real fresh burgers and fries before i go back to the processed frozen stuff.

   I arrived and ordered 3 burgers, fries, a pop, and a hot dog. As i waited for my order i stood outside and smoked. The place was pretty empty since school is in session. I look around and see Monica and some other chick standing at the corner, smoking aswell. Shouldn't she not be smoking while pregnant? I was gonna go up to say something but one, times are different people dont know better and two, my food is ready.  So i grabbed it and left. I hope the kid is happy and healthy.

     When i got home i see Johnny's car parked outside.  Great. I walk up to the patio and Johnny is sitting there with flowers in his lap. "What are you doing here?" His face lights up and i get the feeling again. "Marina! Please don't go! Dont leave!" "Johnny i have to. Theres nothing for me here. This was all fun but i think its time." "Let's not make life changing decisions, lets go to the beach and talk it out,please?" I sigh. "Fine. We can share this there." I held up my bag of food.

     We hopped in his car and went down to Santa Monica. We made a mini picnic and kept repeating the same argument. I should go back. "Rina we can deal with this! You're being unreasonable!" "Really? So if James got me pregnant, would you stick around for our kid?" He stayed quiet. "Right. Im packing tonight Johnny.  I dont think i could be here when you raise your guys' kid." "What if it's not mine? Then what?" "So what you want me to wait and find out?" "I just dont want you to go Marina." "I dont want to go either but I'd have to leave someday."

      He holds my hand. "Please don't leave tonight or soon." He then leans in and kisses me. I kiss back. After a while he pulls away and looks at me longingly. "Marina, i love you. Im in love with you." I froze. "You, what?" "Marina Hernandez im crazy about you. Ill do anything to make us work. Kid or no kid, i dont want you out of my life." " Johnny are you serious?"   He smiles and kisses me again with so much passion. His hands were exploring me, tangling in my hair. I pull away, "i love you too Johnny!" We made out on the beach till the sun set. He told me repeatedly that he loves me and i did the same. The weird feeling lingered throughout the night.  I really hope we can work through this.