On Purpose

~Before~

When I first had a girlfriend, I was twelve. Her name was Mariah Baker. She was the prettiest girl in school. I was lucky (said every guy who knew about us) to date her, only because I didn't like her myself. I never asked her why she liked me. But as I grew up and watched more TV. I found out that it was because I didn't like her.
She was known to get everything she wanted. If she liked a guy, they'd already liked her. With me, it wasn't that at all. She had a reason to be shy.
When she ended up confessing, I told her she was cute, but I was too young to date anyways. I still had dinosaur posters above my bed.
She was heartbroken and I heard she didn't come to school for a week. Which is why I dated her that year, because I didn't want her to be sad.
She started wearing revealing clothes to get my attention, but I was twelve and that type of stuff didn't impress me at the time.
She was a nice girlfriend when she wanted to be. She picked fights with me half the time. She expected me to be like the guys on the TV. I knew I wasn't that.
I wanted a girl who had tough skin, but when it came to it, she broke her walls down for me. That wasn't Mariah, she was soft no matter what.
When our first kiss came around, she wanted it to be perfect. While it was my first kiss, it wasn't hers. She kissed a whole lot of guys at school, which I wasn't okay with.
When her lips were on mine, I wanted to puke. All I thought about was her doing this with half the guys at school. Her lips on theirs. Her hands on their face.
In my eyes, I was kissing them too, we all were just kissing each other, and that made me disgusted. So what did I do? I pushed her off of me and said, "Gross, your breath smells." And I ran home.
After that, Mariah transferred schools and I never saw her again.
I told myself I'd never kiss or do the thing with a girl who's done it already. I wanted us to be each others first and last. But in 2023, things are slightly different.