On Purpose

~39~

    I didn't talk to Isabelle. I didn't tell her how I felt. I didn't tell anyone I was leaving. I felt all of that guilt on my flight home. I felt that guilt when I took a taxi to my dad's place. I felt the guilt when my dad opened the door and stared at me.
    "You're home." He smiled and pulled me in.
    "I'm home." I didn't sound so enthusiastic when I say this.
    He steps aside and lets me in. When I walked in, everyone felt different. It feels odd to not have Isabelle and my dad bullying me and Chrissy have their side all the time. It's just us, me and dad. Back to square one.
    Why does that hurt?
"Dad, we need to talk."
    "You got her pregnant?"
The look I gave him made it seem like he slapped me in the face. He might as well, I least I would see it coming.
    "What? No!" I said with exaggeration.
He sat on the couch.
    "Stop being so sensitive, I was joking. What do you wanna tell me?" He reaches over and grabs his beer. He doesn't drink it till after looking at me to make sure I was gonna speak.
   So I do.
   "Dad, I-"
   "Want a beer?" He said, holding up his bottle.
   "No, I'm okay."
   "Then sit down, you look so uptight."
I don't tell him that I am, I just sat down next to him, my legs shaking a little bit. I haven't eaten anything since this morning which was a Nature Valley I found on Kyle's bed.
    I rubbed my face as my dad puts a commercial on mute. This time it was an allergy medicine commercial. A girl is going hiking, pretending like everything is all peaches and cream just because of a stupid medicine. I wish I could have that right now. A medicine to take all of this away. Maybe my dad was right, maybe I am sensitive. I can't even tell a girl I like her. What, am I scared of her? Am I scared of rejection?
    My dad rubbed his hands together when he sees the game turn back on. He was watching soccer, my dad doesn't really care what sport is on TV as long as he can watch it and he gets to look at scores.
    "Dad, I got fired."
I ripped it off before he could unmute the TV. He looks at me and frowned his brows.
    "What? They can't fire you, you've been working there for three years!" He yelled. He actually seemed pretty pissed, why does that make me feel better?
    "I know, Boss Man texted me."
    "When?"
    "Yesterday afternoon."
    "That bastard." He mumbled.
    "What are you gonna do?"
That question has been on my mind for a while. 'What am I gonna do?' I don't know, find a simple job? I can work at Starbucks with Nicki, I bet she would love that. I wonder if she knows about her husband's affair.
    "I don't know." I sighed.
    "I have a lot on my mind. After seeing mom again, I..." I closed my eyes, he needed to know anyways. I opened my eyes when he didn't say anything.
    "You heard me?" I asked him, searching his face for any shock, but there wasn't any. He was...calm.
    "Oliver, I..." wait a second! He knew! He knew mom was still in Orlando?!
    I jumped up from the couch, I don't know why the heat in my body began to boil.
    "You knew and you never told me?!" I yelled. "I suffered for twenty years!"
    "You don't think I suffered like you? She was my wife!"
I went quiet.
    "Jesus, Oliver, not everything is about you. Jessie left you and you want me to comfort you, I can't hold your hand for every little thing. Be a man!"
    I nearly stumbled back. Those words, I've heard them before when I was nineteen, but it hits harder now.
    "I didn't want to tell you about your mother because I saw that you were doing better without her. If you would have saw her again you would act how you're acting now. You lost your job-"
    "Me losing my job has nothing to do with her!" I yelled.
    "That's not the point!" He shouted back. "You were doing so much better without her, you even know it."
    I went speechless, not because I had nothing else to yell at him about, but because he was right. Him and Kyle. If I would have known that my mom was here earlier, I would have let it consume my thoughts with hatred. I would spend my whole life mad at her. I forgot all about her when I talk to Nicki, when I'm at the bar with Kyle, when I'm taking Miss. Purpose around town to find new things she likes.
    My dad knew I had a life, and me knowing about my mom would have ruined that, and it did. It still is.
    I sat on the couch again and sighed.
    "Dad, I'm so sorry." My voice shook, he grabbed me and pulled me into a hug. Not one of his boring hugs, but the hugs he gives to Isabelle, the hug that mattered. I began to cry in his arms as my dad held me.
   "You don't have to apologize for having feelings, son. I just want you to know what you want, and be strong enough to go get it. Don't come looking for me or anyone to help you. If you fall, get back up."
    I knew he was right, but I was sniffing like a goddamn tired dog I could let really speak. He knew I had a lot to say, so he grabbed me and held me at arm's length and said, "what do you want?"
    I already knew my answer, I wanted a purpose. A reason for someone to wake up in the morning and think of me. A person who smiles when they see me. I want someone to die for and cry with. I want to fear of losing them and them fearing of losing me. I want Isabelle.
    "I think you know what I want." I laughed a little and wiped my tears.
    "So go get it." He shrugged nonchalantly.
    "But what if-"
    "Oliver, stop living your life in buts and maybes. Live for now and not for doubts."
    I inhaled, then let it out slowly.
    "You want it, go get it, starting with your job."
I let out a small laugh.
    "Yeah, thanks." I turn to look at the TV.
    "I mean now, if you ain't got a job, who's gonna pay for my groceries."
    That made me laugh harder.
    "Sorry, sir, I shall go get my job back for your benefit."
    He nods.
    "It's the least you can do for yelling at me."
I rolled my eyes.
    "Okay, dad."