On Purpose

~41~

I can't count the days I've been staying in my house, two days, then I left to go on a nightly walk, then I was back in my house, pacing, texting Isabelle, lying to her, telling her I'm fine.
She seemed to be enjoying her time in Miami, I'm glad, I truly am.
I wanted to reach out to Stacey's parents, tell them I'm terribly sorry for their loss, but it seems like Stacey didn't have any. She was married from what I found out, but I didn't see his name.
I was crushed when Bill told me, I couldn't function right, it all just didn't seem real to me anymore.
I sat on my couch and finished the book, If I Stay. What a way to title a book. It had me thinking about my grandma and grandpa. Would they choose to stay if they had the choice?
I couldn't imagine myself choosing to leave my loved ones behind, but I don't truly believe they had a choice, I think they allowed it to just be what it is.
I closed the book and played with the small book that took me long time to finish.
I closed my eyes, I had to breathe, I had to keep these thoughts in my head quiet, but why? Why does bad shit keep happening to me? What did I ever do to deserve this? Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished for telling Mariah her breath smelled bad? That would be a fucked up way reason to punish someone.
I start to fiddle with my hands, I've started to do that since I locked myself away. Well, I wouldn't say locked away, my dad forces me to visit him, and today we're visiting mom, to settle our differences. To make a mends.
I was okay with it, I just wasn't ready to actually hear what she had to say, but not everything is about me. If the tables were reversed, I would want my son to hear me out, especially if I have a good explanation. Even if she doesn't have one, I'll still hear her out.
I stood up from the couch and placed the book down on the table.
My grandpa was right, everything a book can do, a computer can do a million times better, but a computer won't make me want to cry while I grip the pages and tell myself to stop reading knowing I'll just keep going until my eyes dry up from not blinking, and my muscles tighten up from not moving.
I don't make it to the stairs before someone knocks on my front door.
I had two people in mind, Jessie or my dad.
Wrong.
I open the door and see Isabelle smiling at me like I gave her candy for dinner.
I couldn't hold in my smile, I quickly snake my arms around her neck and hold her in, and cry.
The tears fall faster when I feel her arms hold me close. Just the feeling of her made me want to die for her and get reborn just to die for her again.
"Isabelle." I sobbed.
God, I'm so pathetic.
I could feel her smiling against my shoulder.
"It's okay" she says softly which makes me sniff and hold her tighter, but she doesn't complain.
"I'm here." Her hands touch my back, I feel a shiver, but I ignore it.
When I look at her, she had tears touching her eyes.
"You don't have to tell me anything," she looks happy, her smile bringing light into my world like a sun. The sun that died along with my grandpa.
I touched her face, our eyes locking.
She didn't seem hesitant, I searched her eyes for any hint of discomfort, but I see trust, love and need reflected back at me.
I know what I want in life, I know who I gave my whole heart to. Isabelle. And I didn't intend for it to happen.
She stood on her tippy toes then whispered, "You're annoying, Dip-Noodle."
I smiled as our lips touched. Her lips were everything I knew they would be: soft, and perfect. They moved with mine like a song and lyrics, a play with a beautiful ending.
Her hands cupped my face as our kiss deepened. I should have pulled her into the house and kissed her, but I grew impatient and now my hands held her hips as her soft lips press against mine. She filled me up with so many feelings at once I felt like I was five again, bouncing off the walls from a sugar rush.
I broke the kiss and looked at her with a smile and she whispered, "I wonder what your bed feels like."
It was pretty cold outside, but my cheeks got extremely hot.