On Purpose

~17~

I didn't see Isabelle after work. I called her and texted her, but she didn't answer.
I let my mind drift away to another place while I sat on my couch-and honest to God-opened a book.
It was a thin book, I never watched the movie, but here I was, reading a book about a teenaged girl getting in a car accident with her parents and her little brother and roams a hospital trying to wonder if she should go to heaven or stay on earth.
I don't know if that's what it's mainly about, but that's what I got while I read.
I complained about almost everything.
"Who falls in love with a guy in a band?" I yelled at the book how my dad yells at the Green Bay Packers when they miss a touchdown or get flagged for holding or something stupid.
I sat the book down gently as if it would run away, and I dashed towards the kitchen to pour me a bowl of chips I didn't know was in my cabinet.
When I carried my bowl back, I gripped the book and began to read again. I pushed back the voice in my head that kept saying, so much for burning books huh?
I arrived to a part where her boyfriend was trying to come up with a plan to see Mia when someone knocked on my front door. I wanted to ignore it and continue eating and reading, but the knocks kept coming. I sighed and put a piece of mail in the book as a bookmark. I sat the bowl of half eaten Potato Lays on the table and huffed when I got up.
When I opened the door, Jessie stood there with her hair in a messy bun and no makeup on which is my first time seeing her so out of place. She looked as if she hadn't slept as she looks up at me.
"Hey, Jess."
"Hey, are you busy?"
I look around as if I was trying to remember what I was just doing.
"Not really-" she pushed herself inside and said nothing else.
"Reading? You?" She pointed to the book I got at the library and I grabbed it and held it in my hands.
"What can I do for you?" I asked, my tone slightly embarrassed.
"I wanna talk about last Friday, at the movies." I sat the book down and said nothing. What could I say? I didn't wanna talk about it and I didn't wanna tell her no.
"What for?" I ended up asking.
"Do you actually like her? You didn't deny it."
"Because you didn't let me talk."
"Well, I'm letting you talk now."
I took my time with responding, because I had to think about my words.
"I don't like her, not in that way. She's kinda like my best friend. My dad likes her-" Her eyes widened when she interrupted me. "She met Ethan?" I could practically feel her voice begin to rise.
"Yeah, after you left."
She sat down on the couch. Her blank facade made me feel uneasy.
"Jess? You okay?"
Still, no reply.
I wanted to sit next to her, comfort her, but I didn't. I stood with my back up straight.
The silence was becoming suffocating like she was doing it to make my mind run with thoughts and questions until it filled the room and choke me.
"If you're gonna be silent-" "Does she like you?"
Her words yet again cut through mine, but I didn't care about her constant interruptions, it was her inquiry that made me stare at her as if she had a tail growing from her ass.
"Isabelle? No. That's a fact."
That seemed to calm her down.
"Look, Oliver, I still love you. I just want you to fight for us."
"Why do I have to fight for something you threw away?"
I wanted to yell, only because her saying this "Fight for me" crap was getting on my nerves.
"I just want you to really see me, and you did! I saw it at the library, you did it. Then she came along and you changed, you stopped trying."
I didn't say anything. I needed my dad, I needed Isabelle. Kyle. Somebody. I didn't know what to do. I wanted that hole again, I wanted it to swallow me. I felt my throat tighten. I felt like I was dying right in front of her. All of this was happening because I knew she was right and I couldn't take it back.
How I kissed her cheek when she snorted. I wanted to take it all back. I wanna take everything back. Let me go back in time. I can hug my mom and thank her for everything so she wouldn't have left. I wouldn't have thrown my fishing pole, I would've kept trying until I got it.
I would have been friends with Kyle in middle school, and I wouldn't have given Mariah Baker my first kiss. I would've kissed Jessie, she would've been my first, and she wouldn't have broken up with me on Christmas, she would be here, right here, in my arms. Not whining about Isabelle and me being just friends.
"I should go."
I kept silent. I kept my words and pensive thoughts to myself. They weren't needed. They were extraneous to her ears.
I heard her walk out, I didn't look back, or I'd go running back to her, and I couldn't let that happen.
I do this all the time. And now that I think about it, I've done it since I was little.
Having problems and wanting someone to help me, if not my mom, it was my dad. Now I'm wanting Isabelle and Kyle. Why can't I just handle shit by myself? Why do I hide behind everyone? Did I do it to Jessie? Was I doing it when I called her that night to hang out with her on the third day of breaking up?
I slumped to the couch and looked at the book I was reading.
I was Mia, and I wanted someone to find a way to me, I wanted someone to care about me when I was alive and capable of doing it myself.
So why did I reach for my phone and wait for an answer? Why did I call her and wait, and wait?
"Hello?"
"Hey, Miss. Purpose. Can we talk?"