Return To Me

Chapter 21

Christmas season is both a gift and a blessing for everyone. It's the long awaited month for children, a holiday every family look forward to, and a beautiful closing of a chapter as you look back to the wonderful year you had regardless of its outcome. December is indeed a beautiful month.

And for me, it is indeed a season of giving love, and receiving one in return, to honor His grace, to celebrate the birth of our savior. Pasko na bukas. At kahit hirap sa buhay, ay sinikap naming magtayo ng lumang christmas tree at magdecorate ng mga kahon ng regalo kahit wala itong mga laman. Kaninang umaga rin, bumili ako ng mga sangkap na iluluto ko mamaya para sa bisperas ng pasko. Hindi ko na inabala si mommy, pagod kasi dahil maselan ang pagbubuntis niya. Hindi siya puwedeng mapagod nang sobra dahil maselan siyang magbuntis. Nawalan na ako ng kuya noon, kaya kailangan mas doble ang ingat ngayon.

Baba, although he doesn't celebrate Christmas, when he had me and mommy, he started celebrating it with us. Islam teaches their people to respect others' culture and values, and baba follows their beliefs. That's why mas maaga pa siyang nagising sa akin para utusan akong bumili ng mga panghanda mamaya habang siya naman ay binabantayan si mommy. Kaya ngayon, nasa kuwarto lang ako at ginagawan sila ng sulat.

I don't have much to give, so using this passion of mine in writing, I will give them Christmas cards that they can read after a few years, to look back at how we celebrated this special occassion.

Dear baba,

Looking back, I would always cling to you. I grew up not seeing your face when I wake up. Yet your embrace is what I have craved more than anything else. I would often feel sad to spend every Christmas without you. But here you are, baba. My idea of a perfect Christmas is to have a family to spend with, and I am eternally grateful that you're here.

You are the best, baba. I would never trade the perfect father for anyone else. You are my first love, and you are my warrior. You hold me up, so I can touch the star. So that I could be one, too. Merry Christmas, baba. I love you.

- Dia 💫

And when it's time for me to write for mommy, my brain automatically stopped. Napatingin ako sa blankong Christmas card. Bigla ay hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko. My mom have done so much help and support during my healing days, but I couldn't forget the harsh treatment I received from her while I was growing up. The pressure and expectations, the painful words, the embarassment and humiliation, and the mark it left my heart, I could never forget at all.

Hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga oras na mahirap siyang kapain, ang mga oras na nanginginig ako sa takot dahil galit siya, ang mga oras na nagdedesisyon siya para sa akin kahit ikasira ko pa. At higit sa lahat, hindi ko malilimutan ang sakit na nararamdaman ko tuwing pinapaalala niya sa akin na mas magaling ang ibang tao sa akin, na mas may silbi sila.

But I wanted to understand her. I wanted to be able to reach her, because I am her daughter.

Kaya kahit na nanginginig ang kamay ko, sinikap kong sulatin ang nilalaman ng puso ko. Ngayong pasko, gusto kong malaman niya ang nararamdaman ko.

Dear mommy,

I always wanted to be deserving of your love.

To be the daughter you are proud of having, that is my lifelong dream. I always look up to you, because you are beyond perfect in my eyes. You are the reason why I am trying. But mommy, i'm just a girl. I was just a child, I was just the innocent little Dia who makes silly mistakes that would often make you mad. I don't intend to hurt you, or make you an embarrassing figure just because I am your daughter. So, I will keep trying to prove you that I can shine, too. Someone told me that I am a star, so I do believe I really could be one. So that I can shine for you.