I'm alone
It feels harder right now than normally.
Maybe it's the hormones talking.
Maybe it's the withdrawal.
Maybe it's the winter depression.
Maybe it's winter break having me not busy at all being out of school, therapy, and training.
Maybe it's the holidays.
I just know I feel alone.
I just know that when I have intense feelings or thoughts that cause shivers down my spine...
I wish I could share them with somebody.
Sometimes I have to talk to myself.
Usually, I talk to myself.
I tell myself that "it's ok".
That "things will work out"
Sometimes I say "you are important." Or "You are beautiful." Or "You deserve it"
Other times I just need to tell myself that "I love you" or "I want to see you do amazing"... especially a "I'm proud of you" and at last... "I will always be there for you."
Things I need to hear;
Things that I wish I could hear from somebody else.
I get chills just going thru so many feelings while writing this short story.
Sometimes I feel so alone that I start crying....
Now, I really don't want pity... I don't know what having friends or a partner (or just anybody who cared beyond being paid in order to care) would do for me because I genuinely don't think I'd even talk to them about how I'm feeling if I had that.
And maybe I do have friends. Maybe I do have partners.
I'm alone in the sense that I've realized nobody understands me and nobody will ever understand me not because I'm special or anything but simply because I've slipped out of this illusion that so many people hold on to... the illusion being that people actually have the mental capacity or time to give a fuck about many other people beyond the surface.
I've realized that nobody cares deep enough to understand me and that's ok.
I'm not saying that it's impossible for somebody to get to that point with me or with other people....
It's just very rare and I'm not sure if it will ever happen to me.
I've learned to be okay with being alone, I have.
Sometimes though, I long to be cared for genuinely.
Sometimes I wish I was the first option.
Sometimes I wish I was a priority.
Lately though, I haven't even been a priority to myself.
I've put my things aside and slept through the days and nights.
I've eaten myself into comas day in and day out.
I've cried into the palms of my hands until I felt numb again.
I've masturbated to distract myself from my mind.
I've fucked people to feel some sense of intimacy.
I've surrounded myself with people who aren't genuine.
I've skipped days at the gym.
Had days where I did not a damn thing except for eat and sleep.
I did quit smoking though....
I did one thing.
But no, I haven't been a priority.
Maybe that's why I feel extra alone.
Because I feel so discouraged by everything around me and everyone else that I can't even love myself lately.
I wasn't ever shown the kind of love that I needed as a child so it's really hard for me to take care of myself.
My parents tried their best, they did... but like I said, people sometimes don't have the mental capacity or time to understand or care for others past a certain level.
They did their best with me and for that I truly appreciate it.
It's just hard for me to care for myself.
It's hard because all I have is myself
And I could really use a hug... or an ear to listen to me
I could really use somebody who understands me the way that I understand myself right now.
But yeah... I'm Alone.
I'm alone and that's ok.
I'll get through it.
I don't need anybody else.
I'm alone.
