I'm afraid to show myself to the world.
I'm afraid that you're reading this.
Yet I'm writing my deepest thoughts and feelings out and choosing to post them publicly.
Because i cannot hear your thoughts and feelings about it back through a screen.
You are just an observer and I am just me.
I would prefer they all just observe;
Not say a word about who they think I am
Not make a point to tell me who they think I should be.
If they have judgements, just leave.
A silent loss.
But still, I think I would be afraid regardless of if they spoke on it or not.
Afraid of their silent opinions.
Afraid that no matter what I do, I will never be good enough.
To an extent that's true.
I will never be good enough.
Not for every single person, and certainly not for a majority of people.
It's hard to accept that I am not always valuable in every situation and in fact I rarely am valuable to others at all.
It's hard to accept that the only person I'm truly valuable to is myself.
I think my sense of value causes me to long for the approval of others.
I want their opinions of me to be good even if their opinion is silent and only implied.
I'm so afraid to show myself to the world because the more you show to this world, the less this world will accept you.
I choose to release these writings so that you, the reader, can be one of the only people in existence to ever truly know what I'm feeling.
Well, ok.
I choose to publish things like this because in my mind, I don't feel so alone.
There's a sense of comfort that comes with publishing vulnerable states of mind to the internet.
There's also this aspect of me that believes that nobody at all is going to read this.
These words could just get lost inside of internet coding forever and nobody would ever truly know how I felt.
After all, whose really going to take the time to read all of my craziness?
A certain part of me wants to believe that after I die, this will all get discovered by those who loved me and they will take the time to sit and read through this time capsule.
So if I'm gone and you loved me, I loved you too.
If you're reading this hoping to find some sort of answer, I'm just as confused as you are.
If anybody is reading this, I am genuinely surprised...
But if you made it this far, you are wasting your time.
I am just a human with a fear of trusting others who decided the internet was a safer place to put my words rather than directly telling an actual human because I know that those who care enough to read this must care a whole lot about what I have to say for whatever reason weather it be good or bad.
So to whom it may concern,
You, the reader are the very thing I am afraid of.
You, reading each word and placing your own meaning to them.
You, wondering who I am and seeking answers within my writings
You, who could possibly only be myself in the future.
