Disgusting.
Disgusting is how I feel.
I'm afraid to leave the house.
I hate the way I look.
I constantly am reminded of how disgusting I am.
Putting my socks and shoes on is a struggle that leaves me out of breath.
Bending over causes me not to be able to breathe.
I have isolated myself completely; no friends, no relationships, just family, school and therapy.
I deleted my social media, im tired of hearing about my weight.
I have no interest in making friends as I'd be the "fat friend".
I'm carrying 140lbs of excess body fat and I feel my weight with every step.
Walking from my car to my classroom leaves me out of breath.
I cannot please myself anymore because I am so fat that my arms simply do not reach far enough down for it to feel good.
I'm 260lbs, when I began my fitness journey again in 2023, I was 30lbs lighter.
My attempts seem to constantly fail, I'm embarrassed so I even lie to my doctors and trainer about how I've been eating.
I've been drinking way too much alcohol since I turned 21.
I've been eating anything in sight.
None of my clothes fit correctly.
My belt no longer fits me either.
I can't control myself at all, I just wish that I could so that I can get my surgery.
I feel so guilty.
I feel so out of control.
I keep over eating.
It doesn't matter what I do.
Sometimes I wonder if I even want to lose weight.
I stopped working out because every time I workout I remind myself of how out of shape I am.
I can't run even 1 minute without my feet hurting intensely while I wheeze.
I miss the weight I used to be.
Calculating it puts into perspective just how bad I've gotten.
I used to be 180 and thought I was so fat....
Now I'm 260 and at a loss for words as to how I even gained this much weight.
I feel like everyone smaller than me is treated so much differently than me.
I feel like people who don't struggle the way that I do don't understand.
They say they relate to me but they couldn't even begin to fathom what I go through.
The constant thoughts in my head obsessing over my next meal.
The constant urge to eat that doesn't even stop when vomit comes back up into my mouth from overeating.
The constant obsession with something sugary and then something salty.
The constant self hatred.
The constant arguments that I have with myself.
I am so embarrassed.
Part of me thinks maybe this is just karma for everything wrong I've ever done.
Part of me feels like everything I've ever done was wrong.
Part of me wants so badly for me to be okay.
Part of me is hesitant and doubtful that my future will be any better.
Is this as good as it gets?
Is this how I'm supposed to live?
I want to lose half my body weight
I want to walk without being out of breath
I want to jump
I want to run
I want to feel physically free
I want to enjoy sex again
I want to enjoy going out in public
I want to look in the mirror and not have to force myself to think "wow I'm beautiful"
My face has blown up and gotten very round as of lately
That's how I know my weight has gotten bad
I've never seen weight impact the whole structure of my face before.
There was a time where I believed my face was pretty but since my face has gained so much weight, I hate it.
I look so ugly.
I feel so much shame.
Whenever I meet up with somebody to do a job for them, in the back of my mind I wonder if they even want me to work for them after seeing how fat I am.
I wonder if I could even be successful at my career being so obese.
I am so tired all the time.
I am so emotionally beaten down.
It takes so much effort for me to do little tasks like bathing myself, cleaning my room, going for a walk, or doing my laundry.
I can't do much without needing a nap.
I can't do anything without needing a snack.
The more I'm told I need to workout or stop eating the less I want to do it.
The more I hate myself, the more I eat.
I will do anything to get this surgery...
But I'm afraid that what if this surgery isn't even enough to help me..
What if I never get to a healthy BMI?
What if I'm always going to be the fat girl?
What if it's my destiny and I'm doomed to this life?
Silly, right?
It's silly of me to be so delusional.
But it's how I think.
I feel like a burden all of the time but when it's time to talk about things, I don't want to say that I feel like a burden because I'm fat...
So when you ask me how I feel and I say "good"...
Really this all is how I'm feeling.
24/7, All of the time.
On my best days.
On my worst days.
I think my weight is my worst attribute.
I think I am disgusting.
