Typically... A new day.... I've always been told that my attitude should rise and become brighter with the sun when I wake up after previously having a bad day. But another day I continue to ache. Throwing on a false smile as I wake that gets destroyed by my clothes 10 minutes later. The stress I feel rising as it becomes even closer to the time I must be out the door and on my bus. Some days I would fall back, cry, come in late, but today, i managed to find an outfit. Yeah, I cried. I felt like a whale. I looked in the mirror and stared at myself in Pity... I hate myself.. but at least I'm making it to school on time today. I am not comfortable in this skin, but I am alive. Onto the bus I go. I'm the first stop. I sit in whichever seat I believe will be the least problematic for myself. If I sit too far back I'm usually harassed and told I'm too young to sit back there, and up front is kind of awkward.. so I choose a middle seat. As the kids pack on the bus, I fear eye contact. I hope somebody will sit next to me, just not the wrong person. Today we happen to have a double load. My anxiety cranks. I start to lose sight of where I am. I start to feel everything around me closing in. I start to panic. Panic. Panic. ALL THE NOISE! There is too much light! I put my head down in my book bag, close my eyes, and cover my ears. I just want to escape. I can't explain this feeling. I can only just isolate and cry. Finally, we're at school. I'm too anxious to get out of my seat so I let the other kids pass. I hear the giggling. I just don't understand if it's about me. Off the bus I walk, insecure and afraid. And to first block I end up still anxious, still upset, still wishing things were different. As I sit through class this feeling strengthens. It feels as if I'm seeing things different but it all looks the same. I don't understand who I am even though I remember my name. I can't take the light from the class room and I hate the huge crowd. I can't raise my hand, I can't walk out, I can't do anything, so instead I cry. I cry. I go unnoticed, and if noticed, they laugh. Until the teacher views and comes to check on me. I can't say anything. I just sit rubbing my eyes. Crying so hard that I can't breath, hyperventilating. I am sent to the guidance office where I am encouraged to talk about it all. But what would I say? There's too many people? They laugh? No. I stay silent. I try to calm down. I sit until second block and then I must go back to a class. Chorus class. Today we are choosing partners for our project. My first choice friends are together, and I remain alone. Each kid has a partner, but me. And when they realize that, the jokes spread around "nobody likes her" "She's so weird" "She tries to be cool". Every few minutes somebody looks and laughs. And alone I work.... I am drained. I wish I were cooler, but I am not. I am nothing but ugly. Annoying. Fat. Stupid. Unpopular. A clown. A joke. I AM SO DONE! I try to stand up for myself but the teacher looks at me as if I am a bad kid, failing to realize the treatment. It is so underhanded and so lowkey that of course it goes unnoticed. Of course, I always get called out. The bell rings, onto my next class.
¨What is the most important thing a father can give to his children?¨ I ask myself. He's given me so much.
Yet the pain is horrible and I don't understand why. I have the support of my family. I have the support of
my friends. Although it did not feel like much when I was alone in my room at 3am crying. I felt rather
alone in this world. I felt consumed in darkness. A feeling in my body that I get on darker days. Days I try
to stay positive and just can't take it anymore at the end of the night. This is not me this is a whole
different girl. She takes over my body. She tells me I am worthless. She makes my heart drop to my toes.
She makes my breathing heavy. She is the one who hurts me, I am the one to watch. She is stronger than I
am yet she uses the strength against me. I am myself while I am crying, she is the three hours after when I
cannot cry anymore and all my tears have faded away with my emotions. I am emotionless. I am
worthless. I am empty. She is a shell of me when I cannot be present. She is every flaw I see pointed out
and brought to the surface. She is iniquity
Iniquity I love you. I love you with all my heart. You are part of me and although I don't need you, you teach me how to have a sense of control. I just wish that when I came back to it I had no bruises and scars from the constant biting and cutting of my wrists, moments of you punching yourself in the head and thighs, bruises from the head banging on the wall, and more. You hurt me even though when you're present, I feel something different than pain. I feel something more like a darkness. Although I may not want you here, you seem to appear at broken times. You sometimes pop up and sometimes I feel you consuming me until the tears are gone. When you are in control I am angry. Not at anyone else. At myself. I hate me- no, you hate me... and that means I hate myself. I hate me because of the fucking fat on my stomach and the way my arms flap when they move. I hate me because of my unaligned teeth that just couldn't grow out okay and ended up yellow and chipped because I'm stupid. I hate the fact that all I do is grasp for attention and all that pulls my hand in return is the negative kind. I hate that everyone hates me. I hate me. I hate me. YOU HATE ME. But I have to love every part- I have to snap out of this- you are this. I used to think of you as an emotion, but we talk to each other. I tell you to stop and you give my heart that drop and consume me even more with darkness and upsetting thoughts. While you're here I could write 100 reasons to hate me in 10 minutes. When you're here- I'm powerless.
No matter how much I love you
We will always dislike myself.
