They say the only way to conquer your fears is to face them.
Well, Im afraid of the silence
Not when Im alone
The silence that lingers when I'm with somebody else
Long pauses in conversations
Even light hearted conversations
Sitting in silence eats me alive
Makes my stomach turn inside
Makes me wonder if I did something wrong
Even when I'm staring into somebodies eyes
I can't tell what they're thinking when they're not speaking
Yet again, I can't tell what they're thinking when they're speaking either but at least it's a distraction
And I myself love to speak
I say I love attention.. and I do
But I'm afraid of the kind of attention that I may receive when in silence..
Because it feels like people are silently judging me
I'm not using my words to distract them
They're not using their words to inform me
So I'm afraid of the silence...
Or maybe it's not the silence I'm afraid of...
Maybe I'm afraid that I can't influence their perspective when things are quiet.
Maybe I'm afraid that they'll have time to think negatively of me as we sit in silence.
I've been told I'm loud.
I've been told I talk a lot.
I've been told I'm obnoxious.
Maybe in the silent moments that cause me discomfort I choose to be loud.
Maybe being loud allows me to feel more comfortable in the moment.
Eventually, I regret it though.
I've never regretted the silence.
Maybe it's time I realize that the reason I'm uncomfortable with the silence is because for so long I had to be loud to be recognized.
Maybe it's time I realize that I will be recognized through my silence and the recognition I receive from being obnoxious isn't the kind of recognition I desire.
Maybe it's time I conquer my fear and face the silence.
