The Medic

Escape

I couldn't believe this just happened.

This wasn't me.
Why was I like that?
Am I a thread?
A thread to people close to me?
Why couldn't I control myself?

After all this time.
And I still couldn't.
What was wrong with me?
They treated me like one of them and I do this?

I didn't ran upstairs.
I needed fresh air.

I ran down the hallway and out the back door.
My flight and hide instinct kicking in, I went down the couple of steps to the garden.

Directly on the living room was a big veranda.
On the sides were stairs down into the garden.
It wasn't much.

Right in front of the veranda were some bushes.
I ran down the stairs and sat down right in front of these bushes.

No one would see me if they just looked out the window on the veranda.
Even if they would look from the veranda into the garden.
You had to lean over the railing or come downstairs to see me.
I pulled my knees to my chest and burried my face into my hands.

Why was this happening to me?
They had to hate me.

___________

König realised too late what was happening.
He could see this look in her eyes.

This pure form of panic.
The trapped animal.

Before he could react she was out of the room.
Markus was rubbing his arm and looked after her.

„Im sorry I didn't wanted to-„

he looked apologetically to König.

„It's ok. Its not that easy for her. Are you ok?"

„Yeah I'm alright"

Clara slapped Königs arm.

„We have to find her!"

„I know"

König sighed.
Seeing her this distressed and panicked hurted him. She didn't deserve this.

They searched the whole house.
Clara, Emma, Celine and König gathered back in the living room.

„No one can find her. She wouldn't run away would she?"

Clara asked nervous.

„No. Not directly. She's probably searching for something quiet."

He thought for a moment.
He looked out the glass front and nodded.
Of course.

„Outside. The garden of course."

„Ok get the others. We're gonna look for her"

Clara said shoving him away.
König shot her an angry look but did what she said.
Arguing with Clara was never a wise option.
Especially not now.
Mel needed help.

König hurried and informed the others.
They all went in the kitchen.
Leaving finding and calming her down to the girls.

König couldn't help but go and look.
He had to make sure she was ok.

He cared to much.
Actually he just wanted to find her and hold her. Telling her that she was safe.
Safe with him.

He went on the veranda.
He could hear quiet sobbs from the garden.
Then he heard Emma's voice from directly under the veranda.
He stepped quietly on the railing.

„Shhhhhh it's ok Missy. No ones angry"

„I'm so sorry. So sorry. I didn't wanted to-. I swear"

König could see them sitting right in front of a bush in the snow.
Mel had pulled her knees to her chest and was holding her head with both hands.
The other girls sat around her.
Clara had an arm around her shoulder.

„Missy. Missy look at me. No ones mad. It's ok"

„No it's not ok. I hurt him.
I always hurt someone.
You treat me like one of yours and I hurt you.
I don't want this. I don't deserve this."

The pure pain in her voice made Königs heart ache. Hearing that she thought like this.

„Missy it's ok. This can happen."

Celine tried to calm her.

„It shouldn't.
What if I really hurt one of you?
What if I hurt Max some day?
I don't want to hurt the people that I love"

Königs breath stopped.
What did she just say?

„Missy you're not gonna hurt us.
It's normal. We know how hard your missions are.
You think Maxi had never leashed out? He and Markus fight all the time"

Clara caressed her hair.

„She's right. They had broken bones all the time. Your job is hard and I don't wanna imagine what you have seen. It's normal to react that way. It happens"

Emma said calm.
They were right.
Even König lost his temper sometimes.
It was normal for someone like them.

„If only it were because of that!
I could life with that!
But it isn't!
I have seen so many things. My whole life was a shit show. But nothing influenced me this way.
I'm like that because of some stupid reason"

Her sobbs and her broken voice pained König.
He knew why.
And it made him furious every time.

„What do you mean?"

Celine asked confused.

„I knew nothing but pain in my life.
I did everything myself since I was about 6.

My mom and my stepdad were alcoholics.
They didn't cared. I lived from sandwiches and instant meals because I didn't knew how to make anything else.
I went grocery shopping and to school all by myself.

And when I spend money on groceries, money they needed for the alcohol I got beat.
It was my life.
Till my stepdad went to far.
As I was around 12 he was particularly drunk.
He poured boiling water over me and beat me senseless with his belt.

Nonetheless I went to school.
It was my safe space.
We had P.E. Some of my friends saw the marks and alarmed a teacher.
I got separated from them.
Put in a Forster family.

But who wants a traumatised teenager?
No one.
So they only let me stay the couple of months they are supposed to.
Then I was moved to another family. And that went on till I was old enough to join the army."

She took a deep breath.
Königs body was shaking.
He had never heard her talk about it so clear.
On one hand he felt so proud that she still had become such a great woman, she really reached something.
On the other hand he felt so sorry.