The Medic

Never again

„Im so sorry. So so sorry"

He whispered these words over and over again.
Not letting me go.
I could feel his body trembling.

„Johnny don't. You don't have to apologise! I'm ok. I'm alive. And nothing of this is your fault"

I said soft and wrapped my arms around him.

„I'm so sorry. I should have-„

„Johnny shut up!"

He stopped and finally looked at me.
I was still holding on to him because standing was rally exhausting right now.

„You did what you were told to. You followed my orders. And I'm so proud that you did. I'm the stupid one. I should have said something. Admit that I can't take it. I should have known better. Not you."

Now I felt that I was crying as well.
Seeing him so broken.
Broken by this guilt.

„Johnny....i wouldn't have made it without you there.
I would have just given up.
But I couldn't. I needed to be there.
With you.
I needed to know you're ok"

„Fucks sake Missy! Always thinking about others.
You could have died! You almost did woman!
You're not playing hero ever again!
I...I should have prevented this.
I...I'm the reason you look like this"

He stroked over my face.
His glassy blue eyes inspecting my scars.
It was clear that he hadn't had the guts to visit me.
I roled my eyes and smirked.

„Well I thought i look pretty badass"

His eyes shot up to mine.
I could clearly see how he had the urge to laugh but pushed it back and narrowed his brows.

„This is not funny"

„John. We both now we can't change anything now.
It happened.
And yes we were BOTH reckless.
But I'm alive. Please stop drowning in guilt.
I can't stand seeing you like this. I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself.
Well and maybe this giant idiot right there for not telling me his feelings earlier but that's about it"

I nodded in direction of König.
And he looked not amused at all.

But Johnny bursted out in laughter.
Suddenly I was lifted off my feet and thrown over Königs shoulder.

„That's enough. You're on time out Maus"

„Let me down! KÖNIG!"

I kicked the air and laughed.
König started to carry me back to my room.
I grabbed Johnny's hand in the last minute and pulled him with us.

König set me down carefully in my bed.
He sat down in his usual chair.

„You're gonna be the death of me. Both of you"

he groaned.
I took his hand and shook my head.

„You should rest Schatz. You spend so much time here. I doubt that you sleep enough"

He didn't even answered me but his look told me he would go absolutely nowhere.

Johnny sat down on the foot of my bed.

„Schatz hm? Damn I missed a part here"

„Well you decided to hide Mactavish"

I said raising my eyebrows.

„Well..."

He scratched his neck nervously.

„Don't be like that Maus. It wasn't easy for any of us"

I huffed and nodded.

„Alright alright. But if you avoide me ever again I'm gonna beat your ass"

„Yes ma'am"

Johnny smiled again.

„Well I could just run but-„

„I'm gonna get you either way Johnny!"

I laughed.
This genuine smile on his face was all I needed.
I had my Johnny back.
I scanned him carefully.

„You haven't been eating properly"

I said with narrowed brows.

„There's nothing you don't see huh"

He mumbled.

„No not one thing!"

I grinned.

„Leave him Maus. He had a hard time too.
And don't judge anyone for not eating properly! Have you seen your eating habits lately? You lost a lot of weight"

„Yeah that's nothing bad when it's about me. I probably needed that. But Johnny don't"

„You didn't needed that! I liked you the way you were! So since John now speaks to you could you please eat again?"

I rolled my eyes.
I didn't even knew why König was so concerned about this.
I was fine.

„He's actually right Missy. I know I'm one to talk but you need to eat."

„It's enough that I have to live with this scars! Why can't I get skinny to compensate that?"

They both looked at me in disbelief.
König looked like someone had slapped him right across the face.
Johnny just blankly stared at me.
Before König could do anything Johnny grabbed my face hard and made me look at him.

„Listen here young lady!
I may never forgive myself for what happened.
And I know we all struggle with that.
We all felt guilty.
And I deeply hate myself for that.
But I will never ever allow you to feel that way.
You're beautiful with that scars.
Just like every other scar on your body!
And you were stunning before and you will be stunning every other way.
But you won't starve yourself to fit some stupid standard!
Not under my watch!
Let's make a deal.
We eat together.
I'm gonna be here for every dinner.
We make this together.
And nothing less than 3 meals a day!"

„I'm pleading on 2 meals a-„

„I said 3 meals!"

He hadn't even loosened his grip on my face.
The stare he gave me was terrifying.

I could see the concern, the guilt the pain linger in his eyes.
I sighed deeply.
I held up my pinky and nodded.

„Alright. 3 meals. And dinner together"

He relaxed slightly and locked his pinky with mine.

„Deal.
And if I hear you say such bullshit again you're in serious trouble! Because then I'm gonna tell the whole team!"

„ohhhh you wouldn't Mactavish"

„I would"

He knew how annoying everyone could be.
No one wanted an hour long monologue from Ghost or the scolding nasty looks from Gaz.
And I especially didn't wanted to fight with König.

He just watched us.

His eyes shooting from Johnny to me and back.
I could see Johnny was a bit too close and enthusiastic about this for his liking.
But he said nothing because he knew this was bullshit. And he cared.
Maybe more than any of them.