king and queen

thirty-seven

Alexa's POV

I sighed. "I'm gonna cut to the chase. And I'm telling you now this is gonna have some awkward conversation to it."

"Alright. Go ahead." He said.

I sighed. I had this all playing through my head on the way here and it seemed to have just vanished as I looked at him.

I studied him.

I looked more like him than I let on. I always thought I looked more like mom. But I guess I never really looked at him.

I didn't know where to start.

I was going through my list and I finally said something. "Why did you leave after mom died?"

He thought for a moment. "Alexa, I don't have a good answer to that."

"I just want an answer. Lay it on me straight."

"I was upset. I was grieving. And that's how I had to do it. Looking at the place was just a constant reminder of her. Looking at you was a constant reminder." He paused. "It was so unexpected. And I didn't want to bring my problems to you."

"Your drinking?" He nodded. "Dad, we needed to grieve together. We needed to learn how to move on with the two of us instead of three."

"You were a kid."

"Exactly. I had just lost my mother. I lost the only person in my life who had cared for me. I lost my support. My guidance. And on top of it all, I lost you. I lost the guy who was supposed to teach me how I wanted to be treated when I was older. How was I supposed to stand up for myself? How was I gonna get through life? That were things that mom couldn't give me. I needed the help. Mom telling me that kindness would get me far didn't work in some situations. I needed to learn assertiveness. And instead, you left your nine year old daughter alone to figure it out on her own. And I'm still struggling to learn it."

"If I could go back I would. You're right."

"I know I'm right." I said quickly. "What went through your mind?"

"I wanted to numb the pain. I drank and drank and drank until I couldn't think about her anymore. I lost my wife. She was my support, too. And I didn't know how to live without it. I thought you were too young and I was selfish. I didn't think you would be able to help. I thought you were too young to process it all and I realize now, I was completely wrong."

I thought for a moment. "Was there ever another woman?" I asked.

I could see him tense up. "Yes." He said plainly. I raised an eyebrow. "It was about a year before mom passed when I started seeing her. I was drinking and there was no excuse for it. She was younger. We only saw each other for three months at most. Not that it's any excuse."

He paused to catch his breath. "Mom found out after the first month and I had to beg her to stay with me." He smiled slightly. "That's the thing about your mom. Forgiveness was her strong suit. I didn't deserve it. I tried to cut it off for two months with her, but I couldn't. Then I saw your mom get sicker and more exhausted and I stopped seeing her. Her name was Carly."

I frowned. I couldn't believe he would do that to her. "I guess I always had a hunch." I said softly.

"I know you did. I knew it. But we tried our best to keep it a secret. You were more grownup than you let on."

"Well, I guess that's the thing... when your parent isn't around, you have to grow up alone. It brings in the topic of abandonment. I was finding out who I was and what it meant to be human. And all I knew was loneliness. Life was hard and you had to work alone to get what you wanted."

"Alexa, I never meant to have that for you. When I found out your mom was pregnant, we were young. We were engaged, but moved the wedding up, because we had to. I was so scared that we weren't going to be able to give you the life you deserved. But once I held you in my arms for the first time, I had your entire life envisioned in my mind. We were going to be a perfect family. And we were going to be there to help you through everything. I'm sorry that wasn't the case."

"Yeah, I'm sorry, too." I said with a sarcastic tint to my tone.

"Alexa, I'm sorry I couldn't be a demonstration to you. If anything, I should have been the opposite. Show you how men should treat women. Show you how to care for your family. And I wasn't there."

"I wish you understood how I felt dealing with that alone. I was too young to understand boys when I was nine. Of course, mom never felt the need to talk to me about it. I had no interest in them. I know she would have been there to talk me through it all, but she never got the chance."

"She would have, but I should have been there. I should have told you how to be treated. And I realized this far too late."

"Yeah. You did. I guess I'm naive. I thought that everyone's got some goodness in them. And I realized the hard way that people are just bad."

"I know this might not be something you wanna talk about with me, but I guess I'm curious now. Has a guy ever taken advantage of you?"

I sighed. I did mention earlier this was going to be uncomfortable. "Yeah. But not in a nonconsensual way. I just didn't know how to say no. But I've moved past that. I'm seeing someone else now. He's got a soft spot for me." I giggled a bit. "His names Dallas. He and I won Homecoming king and queen in New York. He was also the reason I opened your letter in the first place. Ask Margaret about him. She knows him."

"She knows him? How old is he?"

"Seventeen. My age. Almost eighteen. It's a lot to explain right now. She can give you the full story." I looked at the clock. "Umm... I better get goin', dad."

He frowned. "Really?"

"Yeah. I kinda got what I wanted out of this."

We both stood up. "Can you come visit every once in a while? I wanna make this up to you."

"You had seventeen years to make this up to me." I said plainly. He frowned. "We'll see how time heals. See ya."

Before he was able to say anything I walked out the door.

I never did see my dad again after that.