Gabi na ngayon at dahil sa pagod ni Cali sa paglangoy ay nakatulog ito kaagad at katabi niya naman si Rach na mahimbing din na nakatulog. Kaninang umaga ay pagkatapos ng tagpo namin sa Restaurant hindi na muli kaming nagtagpo pa dahil busy narin ako sa pag-aasikaso sa anak ko.
I opened the door and went outside. Gusto kong magpahangin malapit sa dagat dahil hindi ko rin maintindihan ang sarili ko kung bakit ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko ngayon. I walked with bare feet para maramdaman ang buhangin. It's very soothing. Naglakad-lakad ako sa dalampasigan and admiring the beauty of the sea, sky and the moonlight.
Nang mapagod ako ay umupo na lang ako sa malaking bato na malapit sa pwesto ko. I smiled bitterly. Ang sakit parin hanggang ngayon. Kaya siguro hindi ko kayang magmahal ng iba dahil narin sa hindi pa naghihilom ang mga sugat ng nakaraan. Hindi ko pa kayang magpapasok ng bago kung nakakulong parin ako sa ala-ala naming dalawa. Minahal ko siya ng tapat pero hindi naman talaga mapipilit ang isang tao na mahalin tayo gaya ng pagmamahal natin sa kanila. That's the harsh truth that I don't want to swallow but I needed to.
"You are here." A voice from behind interrupted my train of thoughts. I didn't turn around to see who it was since I already know just by her scent and voice. I miss her despite hating the fact that I still miss her. Naramdaman ko itong umupo sa tabi ko. Her scent became stronger since she's near beside me. But I smell that she reeks in alcohol too. But I didn't give her any glance.
"You, treating me this way, makes me regret what I did in the past." She said and sadness is evident in her tone but I still didn't look at her. Kahit gustong-gusto ko siyang yakapin ay hindi ko kaya. Masakit na makita siya na parang walang nangyari noon. Na parang ako lang ang apektado hanggang ngayon.
"I thought what I did was the best way to save us from the future pain which is now but seeing us, seeing you, it aches a lot more than what I have expected." She continued and I listened and let her be because I have nothing to say. She's drunk so prolly she will forget about this tomorrow. Nanatili lang ako rito dahil gusto kong namnamin ang malapyos niyang boses. Kahit ngayon lang hahayaan ko muli ang sarili ko na makasama siya dahil baka bukas mawawala na naman siya ulit.
"But if I didn't do what I had to do, a lot will suffer. You will suffer. I can't bear to see you suffering because of me. You fought for us but I am selfish so I fought for you because I know you will not do that." I heard her sob afterwards. After a few second, I felt her head in my shoulder. She leaned on me. I am only wearing a sando, so I felt her tears rolling down in my skin. What did really happen? Pinaniwalaan ko ang sinabi niya na mahal niya pa ang ex niya dahil yun naman talaga diba? Tinanggap ko na hindi ako naging sapat sa kaniya na mas ikakasaya niya kung nasa piling siya ng ex niya. But during our situationship, she never really mentioned she has an ex. Could there be something more behind our break-up?
"I am now too late, Cy. It breaks me knowing that I missed my chance being with you forever in this lifetime just because I suck in making decision. My heart is in pieces knowing that you have a child that is not mine. You build a family without me, and it hurts a lot. I really thought we will be the end game, so I endured everything. Every threat I got, I always make sure to protect myself and I secretly put security behind your back because in politics I have made a lot of enemies. I was making sure we will both be able to live till the day destiny will decide to let us meet again in a right time. Because after I broke your heart, it breaks mine too but that didn't stop me from loving you afar." She cupped my face and made me look at her. Her eyes are screaming in pain so as mine. Umiiyak narin pala ako. Marami akong tanong. Gusto kong magtanong kung bakit at paano? I cried heavily and she wiped every tears I make. She sooths me like the sand under my feet. Why do I feel comforted with the person who hurts me the most.
"I was ready to fight. I was ready to lose everything I had. I was ready to be with you despite having nothing. I was so ready to go against the heaven and the earth just so I can be with you but you left me hanging. Not just that, you left me and makes me feel like I was not enough and will never be enough for you. I'm so ready that time to hold on but you were so ready too to let go of my hand." Puno ng hinanakit kong sabi at napahagulhol kaming dalawa. Eight years have passed but the wounds are still fresh. Hindi parin naghihilom ang sugat ng nakaraan. Hindi ito maghihilom hangga't sa mahal ko pa siya.
"I'm so sorry, baby. I don't want you to lose everything just because of me." Marahan niyang pinahiran ang mga luha ko pero hindi ko iyon magawa sa kaniya. I shook my head.
"Zero." I uttered to make her remember and I saw a hint of acknowledgement that she knows what I am saying. Zero the number of her jersey. Miss Zero that's what I called her in the past.
"Zero is a quantity of nothing. I was ready to let go of everything just so I can have nothing. Just so I can have you but you left." I said in a whisper, my voice were full of pain. She looked at me in an unreadable eye.
"I don't want to regret what I did. Because look at you now, successful and have a family to call your own." She gave me a genuine smile but I couldn't return it. How can I smile with everything I had when I only need nothing and that is her. She must have read my expression so her smile were fading away.
"Let's go you are drunk Miss." I said and stood up. Hindi ko na kakayanin pa na marinig muli ang nangyari sa nakaraan. Pilit ko itong kinalimutan para hindi na masaktan pero nandito naman sa harapan ko ang dahilan ng paglimot ko sa nakaraan. Pinapaalala ang kahapon na parang lason sa aking sistema.
I was taken aback when she stood up and hugged me. I gently pull her away from me, but she is much stronger than me and remained sniffing in my neck. My knees were weak because of her action.
"For years, I am dying to do this. To hold you and smell you. To be close to you. I am dying to do this so please baby let me do this tonight. Let me feel you tonight because for so long I have waited for this to happen." She said so I stopped pulling her away but I didn't hug her back. I can't. I won't let mu guard down anymore. Sinaktan niya ako noon at kung hahayaan ko siya ngayon ay sasaktan niya lang ako muli.
"You are drunk, Miss Cardell." I said sternly but she shook her head under my chin.
"I love you, my Cyril. That's my drunk and sober thought." She uttered then I can feel her breath became even.
She fell asleep in my arms and that's the time I put my hand in her back and caress it. Tila ako yung nalalasing sa amoy niya. I missed her so much. I still haven't gotten her out in my system. I still love you Calissa Cardell but it's best to not associate myself with you anymore.
"I love you, I still do. Pero hindi na sapat ang pagmamahal ko para manatili pa sa iyo." I kissed the top of her head a lot and then I called someone to carry her back to her room.
BINABASA MO ANG
Intersected Lines
RomanceA part time instructor with a major in Math. A student that aims to be a statistician. They were intersected by their faith in theorems and love in data. Will they be able to use the theorems that they've known and data that have been gathered to...
