The Human in Hell (new version)

Western Energy

A/N: Thanks to Renowned-Wolf for helping with a couple things.

Episode opens on Stolas, Andrealphus, and Stella are shown sitting at a ritzy cafe to discuss the divorce.

Stella: Stolas.

Stolas: Stella. (sips)

Stella: (sips) Cunt.

Stolas: Witch.

Andrealphus: Aurgh!

Stella: (slams hands on table, gets up) FUCKISH. IMP. SUCKER!

Stolas: Why did you insist on meeting me here?

A tiny imp server pours tea for Stolas. Stolas looks at his phone that says: "Reminder: Deal @ Ozzie's set".

Andrealphus: Ahem! We wanted to properly discuss the terms of this divorce. I feel my darling sister deserves a bit more...compensation. After all, you did CHEAT on the poor thing. Surely, you owe-

Stolas: Andrealphus, cheating implies there was a betrayal. This woman never gave two shits about me or our very much arranged marriage. As far as I'm concerned, this divorce is far overdue.

The imp server looks out to see Bombproof is seen racing toward the glass window.

Stella: Up yours! (flips Stolas off)

Andrealphus: (groans) Stellaaa, for fuck's sake, stop making this harder to bullshit! (clears his throat) Stolas, there was one other thing we needed to talk to you about; that amulet you gave to your human companion. (lowers voice) You know that it is illegal for demons to give Hell magic to humans.

Before Stolas can respond the window breaks, revealing Strika posing on a table. She discards her poncho and twirls two angelic revolvers in her hands. She fires one and the bullet hits the window near Stolas' head. Stella grins evilly at Stolas as he dodges more bullets. He flies out toward the exit. Strika wraps Stolas in glowing white rope before he can escape. Stolas falls to the ground in an alley, captured.

Stolas: Oh, dear...this is worrisome.

Cut to the IMP van driving through Sloth. Moxxie and Millie are in the back while you are sitting in-between Blitzo and Loona, petting and comforting the latter. 

Blitzo's phone lets out a bird ringtone.

Blitzo: Oh, shit. (answering) Stolas! It's really not a good time, buddy...

Stolas: I'm sorry it's a bad time yet again, Blitzy. But, umm...I seem to have found myself in a bit of a sitch. I'm tied to the back of a horse at the moment.

Blitzo: Pffttt...lucky bitch.

Stolas: Um, well, no. Rather unlucky. I seem to have been stolen by that little cowgirl friend of yours.

Blitzo: Ohh, which one?

Y/N: How many cowgirls do you know? (To Stolas) What does she look like, Stolas?

Stolas glances up at Strika's grinning face as she rides her horse.

Stolas: Umm, unhinged and...sexy?

Y/N: Aw, crap. Strika's bac..

Blitzo: Oh, for fuck's sake! Can't you just get away? Aren't you powerful?

Stolas: I believe she has bound me with blessed rope, which limits my ability to free myself, I'm afraid. So, I think you should come save me.

Blitzo: Oh, shit. Stolas, I can't today, alright? I'm sorry. I-I'm literally on my way to take Loona in for her very important Hellbies s-h-o-t.