Future. | Satoru Gojo

to love

"Just close your eyes, and you'll fall asleep."

I have been repeating this to myself for the last ten minutes. Kai just barely started sleeping through the entire night, which leaves me to clean up my mess of a sleep schedule. I have spent the past few hours tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep. My mind is constantly racing, since Shoko has started attending her classes again, I spend my days trying to keep Kai alive. The garden is wilting from the winter freeze, and I have no motivation to try and preserve it.

I try so hard with Kai, but he just seems stale. Emotionless. He only cries when he is hungry, and when he's awake, he mostly just stares at his surroundings. It angers me that he's so perfect, and I'm not. He makes me feel like I'm undeserving to be his mother, not worthy to be directly connected to such a wealthy and powerful clan. Like I was never supposed to be with Satoru in the first place.

Three months of worthlessness, and three months of a single letter to get me by. I understand that the kids are busy, and don't need to spend their days missing me. That's not what I want. Satoru too, I'm sure he's keeping himself distracted with missions and Rukia.

Rukia...

I chose to forget that name for my own sanity, but the idea of her being around my kids, now that I'm out of the picture, disgusts me. I want her nowhere near my family. I know that she's just a kid, I know that she is just trying to cope with her own injustices, so maybe one day I'll be able to forgive her for telling the higher- ups about Megumi. I will not forgive her for causing my newborn son to be away from his father, though.

What am I saying... I can't blame a child for being the reason that my family fell apart. I had a choice, the choice to tell Satoru, or the choice to run away. I ran away. Every choice I have ever made has led me to this point of my life, and the choices I will make in the future will lead me back to my family.

I can't take this, there's no way that I can fall asleep. I stand from the bed, and I tiptoe to the nursery. Kai is sleeping, his puffy cheeks are a soft crimson color that contrast with his pale complexion. I peek over the crib, and before I can caress his soft cheeks, his eyes open and I am met with his two, blue orbs. We stare at each other blankly, and as I am about to pick him up, he smiles at me.

For the first time, Kai smiles. He smiles at me. I smile back, and I have never felt more like a mother in my entire life. Not with Megumi nor with Tsumiki, and before this, never with Kai. I feel true, I feel like I was put onto this planet to raise my children. Tsumiki, Megumi, and Kai, I live for them.

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"While the world is falling apart, you make it easy to love."

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I actually wrote this mini chapter loosely based around post- partum depression. I myself am not a mother, but I believe that the stigma around mental health should be broken... especially in terms of new mothers. 

Remember, this is a story made for YOU. A story that is meant to be interpreted and imagined by you, I only write. You bring this story to life. Thank you for the support.