Why does love have to be this complicated? Why does another one have to hurt when the other is on her way to happiness? Why can't we both be happy? Love is a beautiful thing? Siguro nga... kung wala ka sa posisyon ko.
Pero sa totoo lang, kung pag-ibig lang naman ang pag-uusapan ay masaya talaga ako. Masaya ako with Grant. I love him and I love everything about him. But if you would put guilt into the equation, then it's a different story. I'm in that situation now. I feel guilty about hurting Cody. And I know no matter how hard I'll try to just let it go and move on, as what I've originally planned to do, this will haunt me. I guess I'm not that much of a bitch after all.
********
"You're awfully quiet today," Grant suddenly said.
"Poopie..."
"What's bothering you?"
"Si Cody."
"Cody's bothering you?"
"Yes... no... hindi ganun. Kasi he called me about a week ago. Sabi n'ya pakiramdam daw n'ya na may boyfriend na ako ulit and he wants to know kung sino."
"Why does he have to know?"
"For closure daw. Hindi pa daw s'ya over the fact that we broke up. Medyo napagtaasan ko s'ya ng boses pero hindi ko sinabi sa kanya ang tungkol sa atin."
"Bakit hindi mo sinabi? Ayaw mong malaman n'ya?"
"Hindi sa ganun. Pareho lang tayo ng reaksyon. Tinanong ko din ang sarili ko kung bakit kailangang malaman n'ya at uminit ang ulo ko kaya medyo nagalit ako sa kanya."
"And then what happened?"
"He said he doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore. He said hindi na n'ya ako kakausapin ever kasi nasasaktan lang s'ya."
"So you're bothered because you're hurting him?"
I nodded.
"Why?"
"I dunno. Siguro kasi alam naman nating mabuting tao si Cody and he doesn't deserve this. Napaka unfair ko sa kanya."
"So what now?"
"Hindi ko rin alam. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish tanggapin na lang n'ya na wala na kami so we can move on in peace."
"Paano kung hindi talaga n'ya matanggap, aaminin mo ba sa kanya ang tungkol sa atin para matahimik s'ya? O maghihiwa..."
"No, Poopie. That's not an option," ang mariin kong sabi.
"But why do I have a feeling that it is?" ang malungkot n'yang sagot.
I reached out for his hand and intertwined my fingers with his. 'Eto na naman po ako, pati ba naman si Grant ay sasaktan ko rin? That's definitely not my intention. At this point, he is the last person in the world that I would hurt. Yes I am bothered about this whole Cody thing but if I would be ask to make a choice, there will be no second thoughts about choosing Grant.
"Sorry if it seems that way. But no, wala 'yan sa isip ko. Siguro sanay lang talaga ako sa maayos at tahimik na buhay. 'Yung tipong lahat ng tao sa paligid ko ay maayos at walang may sama ng loob sa akin. Is it too much to ask?"
"Sometimes it is. Life is complicated at times. I doubt that it can always be as simple as you would want it to be. Pero ito ang tatandaan mo, hindi lahat ng tao ay pwede mong i-please. Minsan sa kagustuhan mong maging masaya, hindi mo sinasadya ay meron palang nasasaktan. You are not doing it on purpose, it's just the way it is. You are not a bad person if you can't make everything right because you can't win them all."
"Poopie, mali ba ako for not telling him about us?"
"Well, everybody deserves honesty. Unless ayaw mo talagang ipaalam sa kanya."
"Sa totoo lang wala naman talaga s'yang karapatang malaman ang tungkol doon pero kung gusto talaga n'yang malaman, I mean if he asks me again, I will tell him about us. Nainis lang talaga kasi ako at how he asked me. Parang demanding lang. Sino ba naman kasing tao ang gustong malaman kung sino ang bagong boyfriend and girlfriend ng ex n'ya?"
"The person who has not moved on yet," he simply replied.
Oo nga naman. Kaya nga heto kami, di ba? Hindi pa kasi nakakamove on si Cody.
Nakahiga na ako sa kama ko at hawak ang cellphone ko habang pinag-iisipan kung tatawagan ba si Cody o hindi. I am thinking about telling him about me and Grant. He needed to know so I will give it to him.
I decided to send him a message first before calling him: Hi Cody! This is Clarq, in case you've deleted my name in your contacts. Can I call you?
After a few minutes of waiting, he replied with: If this is another talk about moving on, then don't anymore. Mas matutulungan mo ako kung hahayaan mo na lang akong ganito. I know I will get over this but it will take time. Tinatanggal na kita sa sistema ko kaya 'wag mo akong bigyan ng dahilan na ibalik ka ulit. Please, Clarq...
Dammit! Why can I feel his pain?! Nakakainis! But I guess that's it for me. Sabi ni Poopie Cody deserves the honesty pero sinabi rin n'ya that I can't please everybody and I can't win them all. At least I tried. Ito ang gusto n'ya kaya ibibigay ko na lang.
I am now officially closing the chapter in my life where Cody is a part of. Tapos na. The End. If in the future ay maisulat ulit ang pangalan n'ya sa pahina ng talambuhay ko, ito ay sa masayang pagkakataon na. Hindi ko na s'ya nasasaktan at wala na akong guilt na nararamdaman.
But for now I just hope I can live with myself knowing that I made him miserable.
