New to Seattle

13. Elastic heart

T/W- Depression/Suicide

Numb. That's the only way to describe how i am feeling. Fucking numb. It was the morning after the awful night before. Callie and Mark have barely left my side. I appreciate it but I would rather be alone. I haven't spoken a single word to anybody since the drugs wore off and I've been awake. Everybody who has entered my hospital room have spoken to me but all i could do was stare straight through them. Callie did say that she let Arizona know what had happened and that i am now awake. She has not contacted me yet. The only person i would push myself to talk to and she is half a world away. I'm probably the last thing on her mind. Her work at the clinic trumps everything else, including me. When the numbness fades i feel broken and disgusting, thankfully that doesn't last long before the numb feeling comes back. i was told that the cops wanted to come by while a doctor does a rape kit. Apparently they want to ask a few questions. I don't know that i want to do anything. What's the point. It happened. I also don't want to as i know i will actually have to admit what happened last night, actually happened. I don't want that, I don't want to break and i definitely don't want anybody to see me fall apart. As I lay there staring at the ceiling I heard a gentle knock at the door before Dr Bailey announced her arrival.

Bailey(gently)- Dr Grey, the cops are here to speak with you, if you are ready.

I didn't answer I just turned over in the bed to continue my staring but this time aimed at the wall.

Bailey- If you are not ready they can come back later. but we do need to get the kit done sooner rather than later.

She had moved around the room so she was now standing in my eye line. 

Bailey- look, Shell I get this is hard for you. you have had something traumatic happen to you. It was out of your control, but this part of it is within your control, you control what happens next. (taking my hand)- let us in Shell, let us help you going forward. 

I moved my vacant look to her deep brown eyes and nodded slightly. 

Bailey- Do you want me to do the kit on you or would you rather i get somebody else.

Shell(emotionless)- you.

Bailey- okay. I will go and get everything ready okay. I wont be too long.

As she left my room I took a deep shaky breath as I knew the process of what was coming next. When she returned to my room she had Lexie trailing in behind her. I know why and i really didn't care that she picked Lexie. Bailey needed an assist and witness to help her. They emptied the kit onto the table beside my bed. there was a lot to go through. 

Bailey- Are you ready?

Shell- yes.

that was the only word to pass my lips. Bailey would ask the same question and my reply was always just "yes". with no emotion, no tone. just a blank "yes". once the process was over I led back down just staring at the ceiling once again. I didn't think Lexie had left the room when Bailey did and this was soon confirmed by her taking hold of my hand. I didn't pull away instead I held her hand back, as a single tear escaped and rolled down my cheek. I must've fallen asleep because the next thing I knew Lexie had gone and i was once again on my own. I glanced over at the vacant seat beside me which now had a set of clothes and a note. 

Michelle, I am sorry I had to leave before you woke up from your sleep. I got you some clothes to put on. they are planning on discharging you. If you want to stay with us at Meredith's you can. If not I am only a phone call away if you need me. Lexie

I got up out of the bed and picked up the clothes before going through to the bathroom. I needed to take a shower. I pulled off my hospital gown and briefly glanced at my naked body but for the first time ever I looked away as i was too ashamed. no longer were my scars reminders that I was no longer a victim. they were overshadowed by the cuts and bruises from the recent attack. I am a victim, I felt weak. instead of showering, i put the clothes on as quickly as I could so I didn't have to look at myself any longer. I don't know where the clothes came from but they were way too big for me. As I came out of the bathroom, I was greeted by Dr Bailey, who gave me a sympathetic smile.