Selfish

5.) Sick & Tired

Christopher Maurice Brown ◇

Ya know, when I actually think about it I've never really went against anything that Sarai has ever said to me besides constantly bringing up the two of us being together. I do whatever she asks of me because I love her so much, but do you think she returns the favor to me? Of course not.

Last night, I actually had a lot of fun with Crystal. She can dance and so can I. A girl who can dance is most definitely attractive to me plus Crystal's cute. We hung out all night, danced together, and I finally agreed to hit her up for real this time.

Speaking of, she's texting me right now.

I'm tired asf thanks to you -Crystal, 1:12PM

Thanks to me? What'd I do -Me, 1:14PM

Had me dancing all night long. If I wasn't having as much fun as I did I would've left like an hour or two earlier than I did -Crystal, 1:18PM

Well if you had fun it was well worth it am I right? -Me, 1:18PM

Mm, yeah you're right. If I didn't stay we probably wouldn't be talking right now 💀 -Crystal, 1:19PM

She's actually right. If we didn't talk as much as we did last night I probably wouldn't have replied to her texts just because of the simple fact that I continue to keep my loyalty to someone who actually doesn't deserve it.

I know this, I do, but I honestly don't think that there's anything that she can do to get me to stop fucking with her. She would probably have to do something really really over the top to make me wanna be done with her.

I hope nothing crazy will ever happen between the two of us, but we can never really know.

I'd hope that we would still be able to be friends, but who am I kidding? With the way that I feel about Sarai we'd never be able to be just friends again.

Right now I'm at work although I should probably be at home since it's Sunday, a sort of holy day, but if malls can be open on Sunday so can I. I'm closing about 4 hours earlier than normal, so I leave around 6.

It's kinda slow today, but I'm not complaining. I get enough money during the week to close on weekends, but extra money is always nice.

I heard a beep from the front of the shop indicating someone just entered, so, I stood to my feet to find out who it was and what did they want done.

Sticking my head out from the back where all the work gets done I saw Sarai of course.

I rolled my eyes and headed to the back again and being Sarai, she followed me.

"What now?" I asked her not giving eye contact.

"Ooh what has you in a bad mood?" She frowned. "It's Sunday get happy!"

"Yeah it's Sunday and you still don't know how to return phone calls after two whole days right? It's whatever." I continued to ignore her gaze by acting like I was busy setting up.

"What? You still have an attitude from Friday!?" She rolled her eyes dramatically yelling out, "Get over it!"

"Get over it? Sarai it's hard to get over since it hurts! It hurts that all you ever do is ignore me unless you want or need something from me. We used to be real close until you found out how I felt. Of course if I could I'd be more than just friends with you, but if I would've known it would have changed how you act towards me I damn sure would've thought about it before sharing how I felt with you."

She just looked down at her hand sitting on the arm rest of a chair not replying to me.

I stood on the opposite side of the chair looking directly at her with a face exemplifying obvious distress, but she wouldn't notice right? She won't even look up at me.

I wonder why.

Minutes passed by with me just staring her down and her not even looking my way.

Sighing I sat the box of gloves down on the chair and pointed to the door. "Man if you don't got nothing to say you can go."

"Chris, I-" she began but cut herself off by shaking her head and letting a breath that she was holding go.

"Chris what? Just say it!" I pressed.

She shook her head again. "I can't. I-I'd hurt you," she replied with her eyes beginning to water.

"Yeah right," I made a face making my annoyance with this conversation evident. "You say the same bullshit knowing exactly what I have to say to that. I don't care! I'd rather have a chance with you and get hurt rather than not have a chance at all making me always wonder what we could've been. Sarai, I love you. I do.. So, so much, but I can't keep waiting for you. Waiting for you to finally be ready is making me drop self confidence. You got me thinking there's something wrong with me when there's not. The only flaw that I have is that I'm head over heels for a girl who can't return the feeling that I know you have." I raised my hand to grab a hold of her chin making her look up at me. I looked down at her making her face inches apart from my own. "Let it out. Tell me how you feel."

She stared into my eyes and opened her mouth as if she was about to finally say how she felt about me, but she stopped herself pushing my hand from her chin.

Walking backwards to the door she spoke to me. "I'll tell you soon, Chris. I promise. I'm just not ready yet. You gotta wait for me.. Bare with me." She turned to the door and walked out leaving without another word.

Letting a long sigh out again I held my head in my hands in frustration.

That's all I ever hear. Wait for me. Not yet.

Well guess what? I'm sick of waiting and I'm tired of begging someone to express their self to me.

I dunno, I guess I'm starting to believe we're just not meant to be.

Sarai Nivea Taylor ◆

Immediately after leaving Chris' tattoo shop I headed to my therapist an hour earlier than I should have.

Storming into the building I walked straight through the lobby ignoring the calls from the woman at the front desk saying, "Excuse me you can't go back there! Ma'am! Ma'am!!"

Opening the door to the room holding the answer to my problems I said aloud, with my voice cracking, "Julia I need your help! I can't take it anymore! I need you to prepare me. Prepare me to have a free conscience so that I can be happy enough to be capable of loving him like he loves me!"

After she excused herself from the patient that she was working with she came to me just as I plopped down into the chair right next to the door beginning to sob holding my head in my hands.

I can't handle this.