Selfish

13.) How I Feel

y'all lucky i like (love) y'all 😛 i rewrote the chapter so here it is. i hope you enjoy 💘

Sarai Nivea Taylor ◆

"We left off with you speaking on Chris' best friend- Ty, you call him?" Julia asked while skimming all of her notes from our previous discussion.

"Yeah, that's his nickname."

"Alright, well let's continue on by talking about how you view yourself," she hands me a piece of paper and a pencil. "On the left side write everything you love about yourself and on the right side write everything you dislike about yourself."

"They do this in the movies," I laugh lightly.

"Yeah, they do since it's an activity that usually works. Now get to it so that we can figure out how everything can either benefit or hurt others."

Without a response to her I begin to write down all of the things that I like about myself and the first thing that comes to mind is that I'm positive most of the time. There are certain times where I have nothing to say besides bad things, but overall I think that I'm pretty positive. I then try to go back and forth between all the pros and cons about me so since I just wrote a pro, I switch to a con.

I'm kind of possessive.

I don't like to share what's mine and I think that's pretty obvious.

Instead of switching to a pro, I continue on with another con since the one con led me to another one.

I'm not very honest.. I can lie and keep the lie going forever really since the saying of when you tell lies you start to believe them is true.

I finish up with the pros and cons about me and then I share everything that I wrote with Julia.

"Possessive? How so?" She asks.

"It's kinda self explanatory. I'm possessive over what's mine. I don't like to share especially things/people that are important to me and I'll always make sure that I never
have to."

Julia just looks at me then she blinks multiple times before she continues on.

WATTPAD WOULDN'T SYNC THE REST OF THE CHAPTER FROM HERE SO I HAD TO REWRITE IT. I AM 10x PASS LIVID. SO WATTPAD SUCK. MY. DICK. (if only i had one for a time like this 😒) ugh

"Confident?"

"I'm confident in the skin that I'm in. Emotionally I know that I have a lot of flaws, but it's something that I'm learning to deal with and move pass. That's why I'm here."

"Short- tempered?"

"I get upset very easily. The littlest things can tick me off and that's one of the worst characteristics to have in my opinion. It's one of my really bad flaws."

"Accepting?"

"I can accept people from any race, gender, sexuality, or any other circumstance. It doesn't really matter to me. As long as you're a cool person to be around I can hang with you. I think people who are against that are ignorant."

"That's a really good trait to have, Sarai. You should be accepting of everyone since they were born looking that way or feeling that way so it's something that they can't change nor help. I'm especially content that you are accepting of the LGBT family. We recently just got the capability to get married in every state in the United States and although a lot of people are against it it's good to know you can accept it," Julia says.

"Of course," I nod my head.

"Continuing on..." She skims my list. "Stubborn?"

"It's really hard for me to admit to being wrong to anything.. I will support whatever I say til the wheels fall off and it's hard for me to let other people try to change my opinion on something or my attitude towards anything."

"Ambitious?"

"I'll work hard to make sure that I'm stable. I don't ever want to struggle so I'll go beyond measures to make sure that I won't have to stress about money or ask others for help. I'm my own woman and I'm going to be independent and take care of myself."

"Problems with being honest?"

"I can lie to someone and keep the lie going and going. I'm not exactly sure why, but it has become a habit. Am I capable of being honest? Yes, but I don't seem to do it since I think sometimes lying is best since it'll save someone from being hurt," I explain.

"Erm, ok. So you have a problem with trusting people? Why?"

"Well, the people that I should trust the most didn't contribute to my success at all. Neither my mother nor my father wanted me and the fact that I can't even trust them makes me wonder why should I trust anyone else? They ruined pretty much everything for me and I hate them for it. It's definitely bad to hate your parents, but I do. That's really just how I feel."

"The rest of your list is all negatives... lazy, jealous, oversensitive, sort of clingy, constantly indecisive.."

I shrug my shoulders. "That's all that's left of me. Negativity which I don't understand since on the outside I'm positive.. I'm happy the majority of the time."

"That's a mask in case you didn't know. You're covering all of the negativity that you're feeling with positivity. Basically you're covering up your tears with a smile.. The reason for that seems to go back to your problems with your parents. All the bad that we discuss always goes back to a problem that you have with them. I think the best way to help you get rid of the negativity is to speak with them."

"You see.. about that... I don't communicate with either of them. Like at all."

"Maybe that's what you need to change," she insists. "You need to get answers from them. Get closure so that you aren't continuing to live life depressed."

I try to consider what she's saying, but I may not be able to. As soon as I was legal to take care of myself I cut all ties off with them just like it seems they did with me when I was a kid. My father left the state without me and my mother lived less than thirty minutes away but there was little to no times at all when she tried to spend time with me. They didn't care for me way back then so what would change now?

I continuously told myself "They didn't want you then. They don't want you now," and soon enough I really started to believe it.

I don't want to surround myself around them now just like I didn't when I first became old enough to take care of myself.

Mom and Dad who??

Does any one at all feel bad for Sarai? She has gone through a lot especially with her parents. Imagine neither of your parents wanting you. Your only hope is extended family. That's abandonment and as a result, she now doesn't know what to do with the ones who are actually showing her genuine love and actual affection- Chris.

I think a lot of you guys are really judgmental towards her, but just step into her shoes. Imagine going through that.

An image describing Sarai is in the multimedia. She feels massive pain on the inside, but covers it with a smile.