The Mafia's Princess

Chapter 21

It's been a few hours. I'm going to go persuade someone to get me books. On the plus side I don't have to leave the house and nobody can look at the trigger warnings. I find Carlo and everyone twenty two and below in the gaming room. I just walk in and sit next to Carlo. 

"How are you coping with the inability to not go book shopping?" Carlo asks me 
"Can you help me?" I ask 
"Sure. What do you need?" He asks 
"Can you help me order books online?" I ask with puppy eyes. His eyes soften 
"of course I can" He says "Here" he hands me his phone "go crazy" he says I grin "only if I can get hugs" He says. I mean I could try. I shrug and lean in for a hug he grins and hugs me. Ok this is nice. I sit there and order books Carlo's arm around my shoulder side hugging me as he and the others play video games. I get all the books and hand Carlo his phone back "Done?" he asks 
"yeah thanks" I smile 
"it's fine only took 2 hours" he smiles 
"well it would have taken me around six in a book store so that's good" I grin he chuckles
"What did you get?" Xander asks I just shrug a small smirk on my face 
"nothing good" Dante says I roll my eyes 
"What genre?" Raffaele sighs 
"Dark romance" I grin 
"Alessandro is going to kill you" Rocco says to Carlo 
"it's not my fault the kid has puppy eyes" Carlo says I just grin sheepishly.

Don't get used to it this 'happy' feeling isn't going to last long 

I feel my smile start to slip a bit at my stupid thoughts. 
"you ok?" a cousin asks 
"Yeah I'm good" I lie putting my fake smile back on he nods. we spend a few hours longer playing video games well me cuddled into Carlo's side trying to block out my thoughts but nothings working as usual. Around six Alessio comes to get us for dinner. 
"come on dinner" he walks in 
"What we having?" Dante asks excitedly 
"burritos" Antonio walks in. Everyone gets up but I just stare at the wall zoned out for a minute "Luna" Antonio says I hum looking at him "dinner" he says 
"I'm good not hungry" I say. 
"You need to eat" he says I shake my head 'no' "yes" he says nodding his head I just shake my head. I don't feel like eating actually I don't feel anything. 

Numbness has overtaken my body and I can't find it in me to do anything. "Luna stop arguing" he warns I just stare at him blankly
"That's fucking creepy" Alessandro walks in "came to see what the hold up was Dante is whining" He says. I just stare at them blankly. "Come for dinner please" he says 
"not hungry" I say numbly 
"Why not?" he asks. I shrug. Just not "you haven't eaten all day" he says 
"I ate yesterday" I say 
"twenty four hours ago" he says "you need more" he says I shake my head 'no'.
"I'm tired goodnight" I walk to my room and lay down in my bed my room now clean. I can't bring myself to do anything so I just stare at the ceiling feeling numb as thoughts surround my head. I just stare at the ceiling for hours till eventually I start to feel something. I feel like killing myself. Fuck. 

I decide to just go downstairs into the kitchen. I see all the draws with sharp things locked. Rude. I go to the alcohol cupboard and grab the vodka bottle and a bottle of white wine. I sit at the bench and finish the rest of my vodka. Then I start on my wine. Yum. At least it's good. Around six Alessandro and Antonio come down 

"Luna?" they ask confused I give a thumbs up 
"What the fuck? Why are you drinking?" Antonio asks pissed. I shrug. It beats killing myself. Jeez I'm really fucked up. Like badly fucked up. A few seconds pass and Lorenzo, Romeo, and Alessio come down 
"Why the fuck are you drinking Luna? At six in the morning at that" Lorenzo asks pissed. I just shrug 
"Start fucking talking" Romeo says sternly. I just put my head on the counter. Dam it. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I be fucking normal? Why am I so fucked? I just want to die for fucks sake. It's like this weight on my chest telling me to die it feels like I'm suffocating and my chest is tightening crushing me from the inside out with guilt and the need to die.