Loving, Mr Waters

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

MATTHEW
"And I'll remind you again, never compare me to your ex Matthew. How dare you?" Thando asks looking at me like I'm a complete strange.
Good for her because that's exactly what I see as I look at her.
"I dare alright, I dare." I roar. "Poor me I thought I would come here and apologize for yesterday but guess what? Only I got the surprise of my life. You have no idea how glad I am that I actually came here and caught you in action."
"You know, I just learned something today about you Matthew."
I listen as Thando tells me calmly her tears still falling and fuck why does it pain me to see her this way?
"Trust me, I learned everything about you."
"I've learned that no matter how much I try to show you that you can trust me, you'll never fully let me in." She says completely ignoring my words. "Yesterday Miranda kissed you right in front of my eyes and I never for a second doubted your word."
I swallow at that, because goddamit it she really didn't.
"If only you took a second to look at me or trust me at that, you'd know I didn't kiss Lucas."
"Then?"
"Just shut and listen." She bark and I recoil in surprise.
"Lucas kissed me and I didn't push him right away because I was shocked, the whole kiss took me by surprise which is why I pushed him that hard the second I recovered from the shock of it." She says me glaring at me with a look that could kill.
"You're so stuck in your past that you don't realize how much you keep hurting me." Another tears fall down her face but this time she doesn't bother to wipe them. "You say you're learned everything about me but in truth you know nothing about me."
I watch as her face goes from hurt to disappointment.
I realize then as I look at her how right she is, deep inside I know that she didn't kiss Lucas and fuck I instantly regret the words I said to her.
"Thando." I say trying to stop her for breaking me with her words but she shakes her head not having it.
"If you know me like you claim you do you wouldn't dare compare me to your ex." She laughs a pained laugh that I feel all over my body. "If you know me at all you'd know I would never hurt you let alone cheat on you.
"How long will you keep on punishing me for the sins of Miranda Matthew?" She asks her eyes full of sadness.
Sadness I want nothing more than to replace on her beautiful face.
"Fuck baby, I'm so sorry." I swallow past the lump that is at the back of my throat. "You're right, I should have asked you instead of accusing you of something you didn't do." I say as panic and guilt eat me alive.
"I'm so stupid for thinking my love for you will ever change you." She whispers but I wouldn't miss those words three words even by mistake.
I ask hopeful as I get emotional. "You love me?"
She chuckles. "Right now I wish I didn't but I love you so much."
Any word is survivable but hearing her say that she wish she didn't love me isn't. I feel a sharp pain in my heart as I listen to her words and how disappointed she's starring at me.
Maybe I should also just confess my love for her and show her how much I love her and trust her? Maybe then she can give me a chance and we can work it out. Right?
"Thando you have no idea how much I..."
"Don't you dare finish that sentence." Thando points her hand at me. "Don't you dare throw those three words at me when you don't mean any of them."
"But I do. I love you so much." I tell her no longer giving a fuck about making this special for her. "I have loved you for so long now and I was just waiting for the right time to tell you, please believe me baby."
"And you think this is the right time? You think after you just accused me of cheating on you is the right time to tell me how you feel about me?" I've never seen Thando angry and honestly I don't blame her.
She have every right but right now all I can do is only hope.
"I planned a trip to the Bahamas for us this weekend, let's go there and talk everything out. Please baby, give me a chance to make everything better."
Something breaks inside me as she sobs in front of me.
"Do you know I've waited my whole life to hear those words from you?" She says as she locks her eyes with mine. "I thought the day you confessed your love for me would be the happiest day of my life but instead it is the complete opposite."
"Don't say that." I tell her as I walk to her holding her hands in mine kissing them. "Just let me fix this."
"No." She tells me as she moves away from me. "I'm done allowing you to hurt me Matthew, for the first time when it comes to you I'm choosing not to listen to my heart."
No, no this can't be happening. Please no.
"I can't spend my whole life proving to you I'm worth a chance you should take, I refuse. I refuse to spend my whole life paying for sins I didn't commit."
"You promised you'd be patient with me." I remind her desperately.
"That was before you shattered my heart in pieces."
Oh God, how is it I vowed to never be in love but yet here I am at the mercy of a woman that currently wants nothing to do with me.
"I hope you heal fully so that you can allow yourself to be loved because you deserve it Matthew. You deserve it all and as painful as it is that it won't be with me, I really do wish you find what you're looking for." Thando stands in front of me  then lightly kiss me before she walks away.
"You're everything I'm looking for and more. Mark my words Thando, you are my lifetime and no one deserves me as much as you which is why I will do everything in my powers to prove that to you." I tell her standing by the door unmoving. "I will win you back and when that day comes I vow to make it the happiest day of your life and to never let you go."
Our eyes lock as she turns to look at me and I simply stare as more tears fall down her face.
"Please allow Trey to call me any time of the day."
She says before she walks out of the door crying and as much as I want to run after her I know I have to give her space.
Space that I am willing to give to her for only a time being because after this they will be no more spaces between us. We will be stuck together forever.
I smile sadly at how even after all the heartbreak I've caused her she still thinks about my son and wish me well. I walk out of the rooftop with a new determination to do everything in me to show her that she belongs to me and that I am ready to fully allow her in.