“May nangyari na ba sa inyo noon?”
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa tanong ni Dani. Nakauwi na kami sa apartment na tinutuluyan ko at si Roilan pa rin ang bukambibig niya hanggang ngayon.
Bago makaalis sa hotel kanina ay sinubukan uli ni Roilan na lumapit sa akin, pero naharang lang siya ng ilang mga kakilala kaya hindi rin tuluyang nakalapit. Dani saw it. Kaya hanggang sa makauwi ay kinukulit niya ako at maraming tanong tungkol sa nangyari noon. Ngayon lang siya nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na usisain ako kaya sinasamantala niya.
“I know your relationship with him was very quick lang, but I’m still wondering kung sa maikling panahon na iyon ay nagchukchakan na ba kayo. I know it's a private matter, but I'm just really curious.”
Mabilis ko siyang nilingon at matalim na tiningnan. Talagang iyang word pa na ‘yan ang napili niyang sabihin. His favorite word! And why would he asked me that?!
“Based on your reaction, mukhang binigay mo na ang perlas ng silanganan!” he accused me, his eyes were wide as he looked at me.
I rolled my eyes and put the wine glasses on the counter. Tumalikod ako at kinuha na ang wine at binuksan sa harap niya.
“Oh my god, Elvira! Did you really— Binigay mo na talaga?”
I sighed. “We were in a relationship and I think it’s normal naman na? We were so horny kaya… Nangyayari naman talaga ‘yun ‘di ba when you’re in a relationship. It’s not a big deal, Dani,” I said casually.
“Not a big deal?! Elvira? As far as I remember, kahit na marami ka na ring naging boyfriend, hindi mo basta-basta binibigay ‘yang sarili mo. Ingat na ingat ka pa noon. You told me you want to give that to the man whom you will love forever. The man you will marry. Ang corny-corny mo pero naniwala ako sa’yo. Kaya bakit mo binigay kay Roilan Siverio?!”
Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi ko at nag-iwas ng tingin. “Well, Roilan is handsome and hot, kaya…”
“That’s not enough reason! I know you! Tell me, Elvira, did you love him? Kaya mo binigay?”
Natigilan ako roon. Love? Really? That’s a big word. Masyadong malalim ang salitang iyon.
Bitterness crept inside me as I realized, Roilan will never fall in love with me. I know that's too impossible.
Sumasakit ang dibdib ko sa bilis ng bawat pintig ng puso ko. Huminga ako ng malalim at umirap, pilit na pinagtatakpan ang tunay na nararamdaman.
“No,” I answered firmly but I still couldn’t look at him. “I didn’t love him. How could I love a person that I've just met? It was just sex. I only had sex with him. We weren't in love when we did that...”
Suminghap siya. “Whoa, Elvira. I remember you saying that sex is sacred, you honor your virginity and you want to save it for marriage, yet you spoke as though it were just simply an easy thing. Sabi mo marriage before sex. Na kahit papalit-palit ka ng boyfriend, naniniwala ka pa rin doon. You have such high boundaries and standards, you wouldn’t just give it to some random guy. And I know, Roilan Siverio is a standard but giving yourself to him just because he’s handsome and hot doesn’t make any sense.”
Inabot na kami ng madaling araw sa hindi matapos na usapan namin ni Dani. Nanindigan naman ako sa sagot ko, dahil iyon naman ang totoo. He just wouldn’t believe me.
It was all just sex.
My belief just changed when I met Roilan. But I wasn’t in love with him. Our relationship was purely physical. No feelings involved.
We weren’t in love.
I sighed. Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi ko habang inaalala ang nangyari noon. I know I said what we had was purely physical but there was a moment that I thought he had feelings for me…
