The Phantom Wolf

Chapter 53 (The Letter)

*Pearl's Letter to the Cullens*

Um, right. So, I'm usually better at writing about how I feel than talking about it. So, that's why I'm writing this. If this sounds really awkward and weird, then, well... that's how I feel right now, so it's appropriate.

Anyway, usually when I need to share something about myself or admit to feeling hurt, no one is ever willing to listen, and those that do, always end up brushing me off. So, I don't exactly, have much practice, when it comes to opening myself up to others, or letting people read my thoughts.

The point I'm trying to get to, is that, I want all of you to know what's going on with me. And for all of you, to understand why I am, the way I am. So... yeah... that's kinda what this is for.

Sorry but, this is gonna be fairly long.

Before everything happened. Before my dad died and the supernatural world got involved with my life. I was apart of a normal family. My parents loved each other. My siblings cared for me, like I cared for them. I didn't particularly have any friends at school. The only person I really spoke to, was Jacob Black. So, I guess I could call him a friend of sorts, but, he only approached me because of our dad's relationships. So I doubt that we would have known each other and got along otherwise. The point is, outside of my home, I was a loner.

I didn't bother with relationships. I never saw the point of them. Not when all the happiness and company I ever needed, was sitting at home, in the form of my family. I guess you could say that I was quite isolated within my tribe. But I was fine with that, preferred it even.

That decision ended up biting me in the arse when everything started going downhill.

First, dad died. And I lost the only person who appeared to truly understand me.

I don't really remember the initial months after his death. Everything just kinda blurred together. But the one thing I do remember for certain, was the feeling of how alone I was. Especially with my mother practically forgetting about my existence due to her grief. And with my siblings ignoring me because of their recent induction into the supernatural world, I was left to grieve alone.

To me, the day my dad died, was the day I lost my whole family. Everything changed after that day, and... until I met all of you... I was convinced it had changed for the worst.

When I ran away I had no intention of ever returning. I wanted to leave everything behind. Get a fresh start. A new life. I only now realise how ironic that was, given that my human life officially ended that night.

Once I became a vampire, I didn't have a direction to go in. Every bone in my body told me that no matter what I chose to do, I would always be alone. And, to be honest, I was okay with that.

The hurt and betrayal I felt because of my family, made me second guess the validity of any sort of relationship and connection with another. It just reinforced the idea for me, that letting others in, would only get me hurt.

I've always had figurative walls up. They've been a part of me for as long as I can remember. Letting them down... is against every instinct I have.

But the more time I spent with all of you, the more I found myself inadvertently allowing my walls to crack and break.

I always thought, that when I became a vampire and a wolf shifter, my walls were reinforced. But meeting all of you, has made me second guess that. I don't know what it is, I don't understand it. But when I'm around all of you... I feel safe. And it's been a long time, since I've felt like that.

When it first started happening, I thought I was delusional. I mean, I was only with you guys because of Bree. In my mind, I had become nothing more, than an extension of her when I imprinted. So... you all being nice to me... I figured it was because you felt like you all had an obligation to Bree, to tolerate my presence. So, I tried to keep all of you at arms length.

I even tried to do the same to Bree. Except that obviously didn't last long. Being my imprint, it was against my very nature to be away from her. So, that decision really just highlighted my ignorance on the subject.

Meeting Bree, tethered me here. Despite my initial reluctance to accept that kind of bond into my fractured life, I still stayed.

The longer I stuck around, the more I found that your kindness was genuine. You had no real reason to give me your trust, and yet, you did. That, still doesn't make any sense to me. Especially since, I struggle so much with putting my faith into others. Even when deep down, I know that they are worthy of it.

I want to be able to let others in. I want to learn how to trust again. But the thought of doing that, really scares me. I don't like not knowing what is going to come next. So when you asked me to join your coven, a million different scenarios flooded through my brain, and the uncertainty of it all, was really overwhelming for me. So much so, that I just couldn't give you an answer at the time...

I feel ready to do so now.

I've come to care for all of you. A great deal more than what I'm used to. Allowing myself to relax around other people, has always been incredibly difficult for me. But when I'm around all of you, either when as a group, or as individuals, I find myself feeling quite calm. I feel different. And it's in a good way.

I didn't realise why, until now. But...

When I'm with all of you... I'm home.

*End of Letter, Back to 3rd Person POV*

Standing up from the fallen tree trunk, Pearl clutched the notepad tightly. Silently second guessing herself about whether she should give the Cullens her letter or not. It was after all, quite embarrassing.

Steeling her resolve, she started the trek back to the Cullen residence. Her pace was slow and hesitant. Her face held an uneasy look as she walked through the forest.

Pearl had lay her heart out on the pieces of paper that were encased so tightly by her hands. And her internal debate between the two different sides, raged on with each step she took. One side desperately wanted to feel at peace, and gain the acceptance of the Cullen Clan. The other side, wanted nothing more than to retreat into the forest and forget about it all. Return to being a loner, not take the chance of getting hurt and rejected again.

The longer Pearl walked, the more anxious she grew. So when she finally broke through the trees and spotted the vampire residence, her hands started trembling and her legs turned to jelly.

Opening the front door and stepping inside the house, Pearl was quite surprised to be greeted by all members of the coven standing in the living room (Excluding Bella and Edward). Her surprise and consequential confusion didn't last long, as she made eye contact with Alice, and noticed that the pixie was grinning from ear to ear. Realising that Alice had already seen everything with her gift, Pearl turned a deep shade of red, and was overcome with embarrassment and panic.

This resulted in her fear driven side, winning the internal argument. Which caused Pearl to immediately thrust the notepad that she had been holding so tightly, into Carlisle's chest. Not waiting for him to take it, Pearl raced out of the house and promptly fled to her territory. Leaving the coven she had grown so close to, to read her letter without her present.