Why do I feel this way?

Chapter 9: My Safe Place

A/N I really struggled with this chapter because I had about 5 different ideas to sort through.... It ended up being pretty long

Also... the italics setting didn't stay when I posted so I'm going to fix that soon 🥴

Siobhan had the best sleep she has had in a long while. Her nights have been filled with fear of Roger hitting her or using her for his pleasure. With Roger gone, she can pause her survival mode and just enjoy the little things, like feeling peace in her home. Siobhan's first thought when she awoke was Vivian and their plans for the day. The thought gave her butterflies and her heart began to race.

Vivian woke up to the thought of Siobhan and looked at the clock thinking "just four hours until I see her!" She all but jumped out of bed and began searching through her clothes hoping to find the perfect outfit. She pulled out a pair of her black form-fitting jeans and a solid baby blue top. The elegant top was flowy, one sleeve draping off the shoulder. She chose a pair of classic black flats to finish the outfit. Now it's only three hours!

Vivian arrived early at the restaurant and anxiously waited for Siobhan to arrive. She was able to see the entrance from her table, her eyes darting to the door every time someone came through. Right on time, the most breathtaking woman entered. To Vivian, it felt like everything was in slow motion as she watched Siobhan walk in.

She wore a summer halter dress, the strap draped elegantly around her neck. The waist was decorated with a stylish sash tied on one side with a loose bow. She was wearing three-inch open-toed heels with a wide strap. Vivian took in every inch of her as she approached the table. I think I'm falling for this woman, but that's not what she needs. She is experiencing abuse from a current partner and needs support, not more conflict. I can't get carried away with this. I have to be careful...

Vivian looks so beautiful, her top accentuating her ocean eyes in a way that makes my heart skip a beat. As I walk to the table, I can hardly believe I'm finally spending time with her outside the nursery. This is really happening. What is she thinking? Her radiant smile lights up her face, her chin resting on her curled hand. I catch her biting her lip, then stopping herself, and I can't help but feel a rush of excitement mixed with nerves. Is this a normal reaction to spending time with a friend? It has been a long time since I have had a close friend.

Vivian wraps her arms around Siobhan's waist and pulls her in for a quick hug. Siobhan reciprocates and wraps her arms around Vivian's neck. Her touch ignited something in Siobhan that she had never experienced with anyone, not even Roger. Vivian's nerves melt away as she feels the warmth of Siobhan's touch. They pull away from each other and sit at the table.

Vivian starts the conversation with asking Siobhan how her week has gone. Siobhan stops to take a deep breath and lets out a reserved sigh. She tells Vivian that she has spent most of the week home alone or with Roger. Vivian asks, "Oh, did you and Roger have a date night?" sounding hopeful. Siobhan was grateful for what her friend was trying to do, but she knew Vivian didn't believe that Roger was a good man. "We didn't have a date night. Roger had long days at the office and I like to have some time to myself as well."

The waiter approaches the table to collect their orders. Siobhan orders one of her favorite pasta dishes and Vivian decides on fish and chips. As they order, Vivian is contemplating sharing her past with Siobhan, in hopes it will help her see the truth. Once the waiter has left, Siobhan asked, " Viv, why did you move here? It seems you had a great support system and friends there. Now you are basically starting from scratch. I'm not complaining, just curious." This, this was Vivian's chance to share everything with Siobhan.

Vivian slightly looks down, closes her eyes and takes in a breath then looks up at Siobhan . "My ex, ex-husband, Chris, he was..."Vivian breaks eye contact with Siobhan. "He was abusive and was threatening to kidnap Jamie after our divorce." Vivian's breath caught in her chest as she relived the fear of that time, taking a few seconds to redirect her focus. Siobhan's eyes widened at what she was hearing.

"I really believed that he loved me in the beginning because he doted on me and bought me everything I could ever need or want. He began with the verbal abuse pretty early, but I took on the blame or dismissed it as teasing." Siobhan's heart seemed to stop at the similarity in her own current reality. Her widened eyes turned soft and caring as Vivian pressed her lips together in an effort to stifle the emotion from her voice. It took Vivian a minute to compose herself to continue thinking of how intense the abuse became.

"As soon as I married him, things took a turn for the worse. The hitting started and I was terrified, but he had conditioned me to believe that I was to blame, just like with the emotional abuse." Siobhan reached for Vivians hand, cupping her fingers around Vivian's gently rubbing her hand with her thumb. Siobhan just wanted to comfort her knowing the pain she must feel rehashing her own nightmare. Vivian takes a moment to acknowledge Siobhan's comfort, placing her other hand over Siobhan's.

"He then began to urge me to break contact with my friends and even my mom. I was isolated and didn't have anyone to help me see that the way I was being treated wasn't okay." Siobhan's eyes began to overflow with tears and thought like Roger is doing to me. "When I had Jamie to protect, I began to open my eyes. Chris let me take Jamie over to my moms as well and she noticed that I had become very timid and saw the bruises that were difficult to cover up. Without the help from my mom, I don't think I would have made it out."

I'm overwhelmed with admiration for Vivian and her strength, she made it out! I don't know if I have what it takes to escape Roger. Maybe Vivian can help me find the courage.

The two women sit in silence looking intently into each other's eyes. Siobhan raises her hand slightly and slowly pulls Vivian's hand into hers interlacing their fingers to comfort her. Siobhan struggles to find the courage to speak up, but as she looks at Vivian she is inspired.

Siobhan begins to speak, "Viv..." she pauses, still not certain she wants to verbalize her thought. Vivian leans her body slightly forward towards Siobhan and patiently waits. "Roger does hurt me." She whispered, her voice trembling as she casts her gaze down, shame flooding her.

A tear begins to roll down Vivian's cheek as she feels heartbroken, yet relieved Siobhan admitted this to her. The older woman cautiously gets up to sit by Siobhan and pulls her into her arms. Before she knew it she softly kissed Siobhan on the top of her head. Vivian's thoughts begin to race. What am I doing? This is not being careful.... but I want her to feel the warmth of genuine care.

Siobhan felt the tension in her body disappear and a wave of warmth overtook her. She has found her safe place, Vivian, she has never felt this protected. Just maybe she has a chance of getting her freedom from Roger, an ember of hope beginning to burn within her.