Why do I feel this way?

Chapter 11: The Follow Up

TW: Suicidal ideation, abuse... um emotional whiplash

The beginning is quite heavy, but it does take a good turn... kinda... bare with me

Today is Siobhan's follow up appointment. She gets dressed for the day and covers the new bruises with make up. She had made Roger mad the day before so he grabbed her by the neck and slammed her against the wall.

I should have known better. I deserved it. As I'm covering the handprint bruise on my neck, I can feel the pressure as if he still has me in his grasp. I even struggle to take in a breath as my mind flashes back to last night. I really don't know if I want to do this anymore. Honestly, I'm not sure I want to do life at all anymore.

Siobhan is jarred by her own thoughts. She shakes her head back and forth, hoping to refocus, and puts the finishing touches to her make up. Taking one last look in the mirror, she stands and walks to the closet to grab her shoes. Roger comes in behind her grabbing her waist and pulling her towards him. Siobhan rolls her eyes and stands up straight. "Be a good girl today and remember that you belong to me." Siobhan closes her eyes and clamps her teeth down before responding, "Yes, of course Roger." Roger remembered that Siobhan had her follow up scan today and wanted to make sure she didn't have loose lips.

"I need to go to the nursery to update the system again before my doctors appointment." Roger didn't really think too much of her going to the nursery. The system had had a lot of updates lately, but that is just how technology works, always changing. Siobhan gave Roger a kiss on the cheek before she headed out the door.

I know that I'm supposed to enjoy kissing my partner, but lately I mostly do it just to appease him.

As Siobhan drives to the nursery, she plays music and tries to put her mind on autopilot for the short journey. The blonde pulls in to the car park, turns her car off and sits in the silence for a moment before exiting the car.

It's getting harder and harder to project this mask, this facade. I want to love life again, I want to love myself again.

"Good morning my love, you alright?" Marjorie beams when Siobhan enters the office. "For goodness sake Marjorie, do you have to be so loud?" Marjorie rolls her eyes as she sighs in frustration, "well it's good to see that your cold demeanor is back, I started to get worried you were turning nice."

I wish I could tell her the truth. That I long to be more like her, but I wouldn't be able to survive my reality if I let myself feel so deeply.

Vivian arrives at the nursery to drop off Jamie and pick up Siobhan. Vivian does hand over with Charlotte and heads to the office. Vivian peeks her head into the office, "Siobhan, you ready to go?" Siobhan's mind had been so muddled that she had lost all track of time. "Yeah, I'm ready. Marjorie, since Autumn had to go home sick, I'll come back after my appointment."

I just feel numb and like I'm being swallowed into a fog.

Vivian and Marjorie look at each other with concern at the younger woman's demeanor and tone. There is a heaviness, even maybe a sadness, to her voice.

I'm glad Siobhan is going to come back and help, but I'm so concerned about her today. I don't think I have ever seen her presence so dark before. Wait a minute, so Vivian is taking Siobhan to her follow up?! Marjorie had been so caught up in her worry for Siobhan that she almost missed that fact.

Vivian opens the door for her friend as she hangs her head getting in the car. Vivian kneels down by Siobhan and places her hand on her knee. "Bon, what is going on?"

The heaviness is palpable and my heart aches for her.

Siobhan just lowers her head even more, hiding the tears that are collecting in her eyes.