Why do I feel this way?

Chapter 4: Monday, Finally

A/N I think my ADHD really became a problem in this chapter! 🤣 Sorry! I haven't really proof read it all the way through yet... I hope y'all are enjoying it so far... feel free to give suggestions and feedback...

Vivian wakes thinking of Siobhan as she makes her way to the kitchen to make coffee.

It's finally Monday and I'm anxious to drop Jamie off at the nursery because just maybe I can see Siobhan and check that she is okay. This weekend has been tough mentally. Once Jamie went to bed and I began to settle for the day, my mind wondered to Siobhan. I wished that I could be there to take care of her, help her rest and heal up.

I had flashbacks of when I was in a similar position as I believe Siobhan is in right now. I'm sure it began much like my relationship with Chris and the "love bombing". When you aren't used to feeling loved and someone makes you feel like you are their everything, you let your guard down. Once my guard was lowered, he would tear me down verbally and I would believe that I deserved it. I should have been a better girlfriend because he deserved better since he had done so much for me.

Then I married him, and that seemed to be the moment it became "open season" for me. I remember the first time he hit me, I was so scared, but I was now his wife. Of course it was gradual enough for me to keep making excuses for him and blaming myself because I wasn't being a good enough wife. As I look back, I can understand how warped my thinking was, but then I just believed every lie he fed to me. He had me isolated by then so I didn't have anyone to help me see different. Maybe I can be the one to help Siobhan see the truth, that what is happening is not her fault and not okay!

I notice the same red flags in Siobhan that I ignored in myself when I was with Chris. Roger seems to have Siobhan isolated even with her still being around others. The people she works with seem to have no connection with her at all. As I'm thinking about Siobhan, I start to get nauseous. I hope he isn't thinking about asking her to marry him! What if it's too late and she is too far already? Too far to be reached?

When I had Jamie, my eyes began to open because my priorities had shifted. Chris also allowed me to take Jamie to my parents house some. The combination of my priority being Jamie and my parents trying to talk some sense into me finally made me see the truth. It took some time and a lot of courage to take the step to leave. If I hadn't had the support from my parents, I probably would still be there. Now I'm leaving in a new place, new sense of self worth, opportunities to make new friends and maybe help someone else find their freedom too.

Across town at Roger's home Siobhan is getting ready to go to the nursery.

It's finally Monday and I'm needed at the nursery today! Roger has actually been better this weekend and helped me rest so I can heal. Maybe he really does love me and wants to change and be better. At the same time, I am apprehensive and don't quite trust this side of Roger will stick around. I have definitely walked on eggshells this weekend to not anger him, but I love him so I have to do my part as his girlfriend. How can I not trust him though? Is it fair of me to feel this way?

He tried so hard this weekend and even cooked breakfast for me Saturday! He really can be so good to me. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, but I just disrespected him. I can do better so he doesn't get mad and do things he doesn't mean to do.

Even though I am still pretty sore from the incident Friday, I am excited to be leaving the house. Sure, it's still painful to stand up straight and my stomach is still tender to the touch, but I'm overall better. My head isn't hurting anymore and I no longer feel nauseated.

I really hope to see Vivian, but at the same time I'm worried about seeing her, she was so disappointed in me. Why does she care so much? And why do I feel compelled to tell her everything? When she looks at me with those ocean blue eyes and I feel her warm touch, I just want to let my wall come crumbling down. I'm not really sure why I feel this way, but I don't think I have ever experienced it before.